


barbecue the priorities dinosaur

by barbatoslatte



Series: the RAT shows [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Adult Content, Alcohol, American Presidents, Anti-Donald Trump, Bilingual Character(s), Chatting & Messaging, Crack Treated Seriously, Cults, Homophobia, Implied Sexual Content, Making Fun of Fake Religions, Making Fun of Stereotypes, Making Fun of USA Society, Monkeys, Multi, Original Wiccan Characters, References to Drugs, Screenplay/Script Format, Sibling Incest, Slice of Life, Welsh Character, against totally not trump, and wins, as in silvia runs for president, first chapter isnt as great but i swear it gets better (?) later on, it's not as bad as the tags make it seem but it's still bad, mentions of Genshin Impact later on, tits, we make fun of a lot of things, what the fuck is this thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 12:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 23
Words: 42,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29368329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbatoslatte/pseuds/barbatoslatte
Summary: An alcoholic dinosaur, six young adults who make bad life choices, and a nymphomaniac roommate. What do all of these have in common? They're all part of this rad show that might be on crack. Cross-posted, co-authored by my friend.(don't take this shit seriously please we wrote this when we were high on oxygen)
Series: the RAT shows [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2165814





	1. pilot episode

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know why im crossposting this??? im so bored  
> me and my friend have the worst humor but here you go

_barbecue enters his house, high on crack. he sits down on his couch, when suddenly six young adults burst into the room._

YOUNG ADULT 1: we watched barney as a kid, and we all wanted to be on the show. now there's a young adult version and we can finally participate! tEACH US YOUR WAYS BARBECUE

BARBECUE: ah fuck whatever

_barbecue pulls out a bottle of liquor._

BARBECUE: wanna do shots while i either tell you everthing that's going on in my life or pass out from the shots?

_the others nod, and barbecue rummages through his couch and produces 3 shot glasses._

BARBECUE: some of you are gonna have to share. 

_he throws the glasses towards them, but no one is ready so they just shatter on the ground_

YOUNG ADULT 3: well what do we do now

_they all stare at the shattered glasses. the camera zooms in on the glasses, and stays like that for a good 30 seconds._

YOUNG ADULT 6: well fuck. we'll be back.

_barbecue is already passed out on the couch. cheryl enters._

JESSICA: who are you?

YOUNG ADULT 4: im cheryl.

_cheryl bolts out the door, the others following. barbecue then wakes up._

BARBECUE: why are these random people breaking into my house and then leaving what the fuck guys.

_cheryl comes back with a giant shot glass the size of a desk. it doesn't fit through the door so she hits the door frame with a hammer. the others are hit with the shattered wood._

YOUNG ADULT 2: i gOT SPLINTERS IN ME EYES

BARBECUE: yeah well life sucks kid, that's just how it is. you get splinters in your eyes and a stick up your ass and that's how you know you're middle-aged. 

_barbecue takes a shot_.

BARBECUE: anyways so my wife divorced me and i lost the divorce papers so we're technically not divorced yet, and she took the kids which is fine because they were stealing all of my weed. then i got put on probation and had to talk to my parole officer whilst i was high on crack, and now i have been fired.

CHERYL: that's not gonna happen to us! right, jessica?

JESSICA: exactly! we're gonna be capable adults and live fulfilling lives—

CHERYL AND JESSICA: LIKE ARIANA GRANDE!!!

 _the camera zooms in on their excited faces for about 30 seconds, then zooms back out. everything returns to normal_.

BARBECUE: let's play a drinking game. every time i tell you something about my life that isn't gonna happen to you, take a shot.

YOUNG ADULTS: sounds fun!

 _cut to 30 seconds later, everyone is drunk off their ass. cheryl and jessica are belting out the lyrics to "no tears left to cry," one of the young adults is sobbing while confessing their love to their reflection in the mirror, and the others are trying to do somersaults through the broken doorway without touching any fallen wood, all while yelling "WOOP WOOP WE ADULTS MY BITCH!"_

BARBECUE: welcome to adulthood, everyone.

* * *

_the camera fades into a memory of barbecue's. children play in the distance. a man approaches barney/barbecue._

MAN: hey kid, do you need a ride home?

YOUNG BARBECUE: my mom is going to pick me up soon.

MAN: well, i'm a friend of your mom. come into my van and i will take you home.

YOUNG BARBECUE: but you're not my mom and my mom said not to go into cars with strangers. my mom knows everything.

_the man laughs for a minute straight._

MAN: that's what you think, but the truth is that no one knows everything. some people don't know anything. the world is a cruel place. i learned that early on. 

_he pulls off his shoe to reveal that his foot has no toes._

YOUNG BARBECUE: where are your feet fingers?

MAN: when i was younger, my parents left me to stay with my aunt and uncle. i wanted to stay with them, so i ran in front of the car, but they just kept driving and rolled over my foot. my aunt and uncle took me to the hospital, and they fixed my foot, but had to amputate my toes.

YOUNG BARBECUE: well, when i was younger my mom made me sit on the stairs while she cleaned the house, so i think we're even.

_the man just punches barbecue in the face and walks away. barbecue starts to cry. the other kids rush around to him, but instead of helping him, they point and laugh. eventually barbecue's mom comes and throws barbecue into a trash bin._

YOUNG BARBECUE: welp. guess i'll just die then.

_he flops over in the trash can, finding an almost empty bottle of beer. he shrugs, then chugs the entire thing._

YOUNG BARBECUE: alcohol tastes good.

YOUNG BARBECUE: weird. i thought it was supposed to taste bad. 

YOUNG BARBECUE: oh well. 

_he then eats the beer bottle._

YOUNG BARBECUE: tastes like chicken.

* * *

BARBECUE: so that's how i got addicted to alcohol. 

_they all stare at him_

BARBECUE: and how i became a part time goat

YOUNG ADULT 2: i thought you were a dinosaur

BARBECUE: what's your name again?

YOUNG ADULT 2: silvia

BARBECUE: well serbia. leave my house. 

SILVIA: what

BARBECUE: what

SILVIA: you're a part time goat?

BABECUE: excuse me i am not a hard lime boat what is wrong with you siberia boats don't have dicks and im clearly red

SILVIA: he's hard of hearing _and_ colorblind

CHERYL: yeah no shit silvia! 

_jessica suddenly walks in, dragging a random man with her_.

JESSICA: guys, meet my new boyfriend! his name is edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos!

EDWARD JACOB HARRY RONALD DRACO JAMES LUKE CLARK LOKI JON SEBASTIAN HASTA LUEGOS: actually my name is jimothy—

JESSICA: isn't he the handsomest man you've ever seen?

 _everyone looks at edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos, aka jimothy. they all shake their heads for a minute straight_.

JESSICA: you are all some cold-hearted bitches. anyway he told me we were gonna have sex in barbecue's closet!

JIMOTHY: i never said th—

JESSICA: let's go, edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos!

 _she pulls him out of the room down the hall. everyone watches them go_.

CHERYL: we should leave.

SILVIA: let's go out for sandwich lunch!

YOUNG ADULTS: SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! _SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! **SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH! SANDWICH LUNCH!**_

BARBECUE: jesus christ fine i'll take you to get sandwiches.

_he makes them form a single file line and they all leave the house like ducks._

BARBECUE: by the way, completely unrelated, are any of you good at running because i dont have a job or money i just let jessica pull out one of my teeth and sell it on ebay for a couple hundred dollars every once in a while

JESSICA: not only that but i can run! i can beat usain bolt while he sleeps. i am so fast bitches

CHERYL: wait weren't you just having sex with edward jacob whats his face

JESSICA: he has a small dick i left him in the closet

BARBECUE: jessica i need you to run into that bank and steal some money for me because i'm broke as fuck.

JESSICA: but how am i supposed to live a fulfilling life as a capable adult like ariana grande if i rob banks?

SILVIA: just do it jessi, otherwise he won't have enough money for sandwiches and i sure as hell am not paying for it and i know you aren't either, and neither is cheryl, and neither is (points to to YOUNG ADULT 1) chris and neither is (points to YOUNG ADULT 2) alexi and neither is (points to YOUNG ADULT 5) damian and neither is (points to YOUNG ADULT 3) adam.

JESSICA: fine

_jessica starts jogging at the speed of an influencer on instagram. silvia pushes her and she starts running at the speed of a train._

JESSICA: TIME TO ROB A BANK, BITCHES!

_the rest of the group waits a block away while jessica runs to the bank. after exactly two minutes alarms start blaring from the bank and red lights start flashing. police cars fall from the sky. jessica runs out of the bank._

JESSICA: i got two nickels and one dime that i found on the floor of the bathroom!

CHRIS: you were supposed to rob theBANK, dumbass.

JESSICA: i did! see all of the blaring lights and shit?

ALEXI: girl he meant like go into one of the vaults and steal some ben franklins or whatever. you are such a basic bitch.

JESSICA: SAY THAT TO MY FACE YA LIMP NOODLE

_alexi and jessica start duking it out right there on the sidewalk. barbecue grabs a signpost and slams it down on both of their heads._

BARBECUE: do you want these fucking sandwiches or not? if you do then go back into that bank and actually get some money. i need like a hundred grand because inflation.

SILVIA: why the fuck are the police falling from the sky

JESSICA: because they're in kahoots with the devil 

_they all nod_

ALEXI: SANDWICH TIME

_they take off towards a store that clearly says "hardware" the others stare after them_

CHRIS: where do they even sell sandwiches

JESSICA: probably not there

_alexi comes back with sandwiches_

ALEXI: GUYS I FOUND SANDWICHES ON THE COUNTER OF THE HARDWARE STORE HERE TAKE ONE

_they throw one at damian. it knocks him out. there was a brick inside of it_

SILVIA: holy shit i think you killed him

ALEXI, panicking: oh my god i kILLED HIM I CANT HAVE THIS ON MY CRIMINAL RECORD 

CHRIS: well you'd better run there are police falling from the sky they're gonna arrest you

_alexi drops the sandwiches. they make a loud clunk as they hit the floor. they run away at a very slow speed_

BARBECUE: ooh sandwiches

_he picks one up and bites into it like a normal sandwich. everyone stares as they hear the sound of bricks being crushed inside his mouth_

CHERYL: the fuck

BARBECUE: anyone want a bite

* * *

_later_

_everyone is back inside barbecue's house_

BARBECUE: yo okay you've been here for like forever can you all just get out?

JESSICA: but i live here

BARBECUE: no one cares, jessamendle

JESSICA: god fuckin damn it ariana grande would never have to put up with this!

BARBECUE: why don't you stay with her then

JESSICA: I DONT KNOW WHERE HER HOUSE IS

BARBECUE: well if you did that would be really creepy

JESSICA: EXACTLY

_jessica throws a piece of wood across the room. it hits edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos, aka jimothy. it knocks him out._

JESSICA: AND MY NAME ISNT JESSAMENDLE!

CHERYL: oh my god first damian and now jimothy

SILVIA: jessi you're gonna get arrested by the police falling from the sky outside you'd better hide

JESSICA: i'm not hiding! ariana grande wouldn't be scared by the police. ariana is queen.

_suddenly someone in a chicken suit bursts in through the wall like the kool-aid man. he's holding an ariana grande cutout._

CHICKEN SUIT: I AM ARIANA AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT YOU WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS ME, JESSAWORMSHIT!

BARBECUE: you tell her ariana

ARIANA: NOW I MUST GO TO COACHELLA, BYE HOES

 _ariana takes off her chicken suit head and throws it at silvia. it knocks her out. ariana then bursts out of the house and makes another big hole in the wall_.

CHERYL: oh my god we're dropping like worms

CHRIS: isn't the saying "dropping like flies"

CHERYL: yeah but flies can fly. you ever see a worm fly before? 

CHRIS: well yeah have you ever read the story of bobby the worm

_he pulls out a[children's storybook](https://www.quotev.com/story/12416148/The-Legend-of-the-Worm) that looks like [this](https://i.quotev.com/img/q/u/20/1/18/wleapgzz42_l.jpg)_

CHERYL: touche

JESSICA: come on cheryl and barbecue we're gonna go on a quest to follow ariana grande. i need to suck out her soul so i can be just as good as her.

BARBECUE: what now

CHERYL: fine but only if you split half of her soul with me because i want to be like her too.

JESSICA: deal! chris, you look after silvia, damian, and edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos. i bet alexi will be back at some point

CHRIS: wait—

 _jessica, cheryl, and barbecue all hold hands and skip merrily together through the hole in the wall to find ariana grande_. _roll credits!_


	2. stealing ariana's soul part one

SUMMARY

jessica, cheryl, and barbecue go to steal ariana grande's soul, but their plan goes south very easily. 

_barbecue, cheryl, and jessica are now on a quest to suck out ariana's soul. they stop at a gas station._

JESSICA: let's get icees!

BARBECUE: no no, icees are expensive. there's a much cheaper drink that you can get as long as you can run fast.

_he goes over to one of the gas station pumps and starts drinking the gasoline._

CHERYL: but icees-

BARBECUE: this is cheaper.

_suddenly the shop keeper inside of the little shitty gas station thing comes running out_.

SHOP KEEPER: hey, you're stealing the gasoline! i will call the police!

BARBECUE: and this is why you improve in PE, kids.

_he grabs cheryl and jessica and starts running at the speed of a bike._

JESSICA: the fuck is this? you aren't fast!

BARBECUE: i'm faster than you

_jessica kicks barbecue, running off at the speed of a bus_

CHERYL: holy shit can she carry me instead?

_barbecue drops cheryl and runs at the same speed as jessica_

CHERYL: heY!

_suddenly the police fall from the sky and grab cheryl. then they fly up to a helicopter_

JESSICA: why do they have a helicopter if they can fly?

BARBECUE: do i look like i know?

JESSICA: yeah, kind of

_barbecue vibe checks jessica in the face._

BARBECUE: do you want to suck out ariana's soul or not?

JESSICA: i do! and now with cheryl gone i can be the new ariana grande! 

BARBECUE: you are a weird bitch

_the two of them keep running until nighttime when they find a small town._

JESSICA: why aren't there any lights on? it's night!

BARBECUE: well maybe it's because they're sleeping, dumbass. it's a thing you do when you get to be my age _._

JESSICA: aren't i your age

BARBECUE: no

JESSICA: holy shit how old am i

BARBECUE: that's the question you decided to go with?

JESSICA: yeah what other question was there?

* * *

_the camera cuts to barbecue grabbing a baseball bat out of his pants_

JESSICA: why do you have that in there

BARBECUE: so when people say i have a stick up my ass i can literally pull one out. why?

JESSICA: wow i should start listening to you more often

BARBECUE: ive been telling you that for hours

JESSICA: oh. i have what my dentist likes to call "cavities" so maybe i didn't hear you

BARBECUE: what

JESSICA: yeah i had to pay a lot to have them fixed but i dont think anything happened he just kinda filled my tooth with something and then i left. i fired him after that. 

BARBECUE: that is literally how you fix cavities do you have the IQ of a VSCO girl

JESSICA: no my mom said that you fix cavities by digging down into the hole, placing filter fabric in the hole, and backfilling with stone and/or soil to create a level surface

BARBECUE: that is how you fix a CAVE-IN, jessica. what you have is called CAVITIES.

JESSICA: yeah i know that's how you fix a cavity 

BARBECUE: i really can't believe i came on this quest with you i swear to god you are the dumbest person i have ever met in my entire life. you are a basic bitch

JESSICA: oh 😮 so i'm a bitch? 😡😈 well a bitch is a female dog. 👩🐩🐕🐶 dogs bark. 🐩🔊 bark grows on trees. 🌲🌱🌻🌼🌺🌲 trees are nature. 🌲🌳🌱🌾🍀🌴🌷🌼💮💐🌹🍃🌟 and nature is beautiful. 💞💋🌲🌳🌵🌴 so you just basically called me beautiful. 💞💋👼 thanks for the compliment, sweatie! 💝💞💓💖💕💗🖕💅🏿🙅🏿😹😼😽😚😘

BARBECUE: how did you express emojis verbally 

BARBECUE: and did you just call me sweaty

JESSICA: 😔✌👏⏳

BARBECUE: am i going to die tonight please tell me so im ready 

JESSICA: i love you

JESSICA: _my dude_

BARBECUE: holy shit im a goner

JESSICA: ✌😚✌ two more minutes to live, bitch

BARBECUE: no gang signs please i want to be a normal middle aged dino before i die

JESSICA: you're a dinosaur you're about as far from normal as someone could get

BARBECUE: wait can i try something before you kill me

JESSICA: sure why not

BARBECUE: 👆😮 you are 😡😈 a really basic bitch ◻️ 👩🐩🐕🐶 and i welcome death happily 🚪👍😍💀😁👍❤️ so i hope you get arrested by the police in the sky 🚓😭💍☁️

JESSICA: what the hell is the ring are you proposing to me

BARBECUE: no there just aren't handcuff emo—

JESSICA: omigoodness yes i accept your proposal i won't kill you because now we're getting married!!

_jessica busts out a wedding planner and a pen._

JESSICA: we need to start planning our wedding. first, the guests. we can't invite cheryl because she's in jail, not silvia or alexi because they're bitches, edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos can come i guess, he'll be your best man because i was gonna marry him but we just kinda had loveless sex, and—

BARBECUE: wait slow down. we're getting MARRIED now? what happened to getting ariana grande's soul?

JESSICA: we can do that after our honeymoon as a couple! #couplegoals!

_jessica pulls out her phone_

JESSICA: wake up bitch im getting married to my roomie here's to hoping he has a huge dino dick

CHERYL: didn't you just leave me to the sky police

JESSICA: oh right that doesn't matter when i steal ariana grande tea's soul

CHERYL: her name is armadillo sadness excuse you

JESSICA: oh my god cHERMYL can you not be an IdIOT for once in your life and just come here so you can watch me bone a dinosaur?

CHERYL: goodbye

_cheryl ends the call_

JESSICA: that bitch

BARBECUE: oh 😮 so she's a bitch? 😡😈 well a bitch is a female dog. 👩🐩🐕🐶 dogs bark. 🐩🔊 bark grows on trees. 🌲🌱🌻🌼🌺🌲 trees are nature. 🌲🌳🌱🌾🍀🌴🌷🌼💮💐🌹🍃🌟 and nature is beautiful. 💞💋🌲🌳🌵🌴 so you just basically called her beautiful. 💞💋👼

JESSICA: i will fuck you in your sleep if you keep doing that

BARBECUE: wait what

JESSICA: hm maybe we need cherimoya actually at this wedding she'll have to film it

BARBECUE: she'll have to wHAT

JESSICA: it's going to be so romantic

BARBECUE: wait did you just call cheryl cherimoya

JESSICA: can you shut up about chernobyl for one second i'm trying to call my sister to see if she'll be my maid of honor

_jessica calls her sister_

JESSICA: hey mila can you be the maid of honor at my wedding

MILA: sure sure who's the unlucky guy

JESSICA: excuse me

MILA: i mean who are you marrying

JESSICA: his name is barbecue

MILA: is he hot

JESSICA: well you could say that i guess he looks fuckable

BARBECUE: exCUSE ME

JESSICA: not like the greatest looking guy but he'll do

JESSICA: also cherry soda isn't coming to the wedding so do you think you could film me and barbecue

MILA: of course it's an honor

MILA: who is cherry soda

JESSICA: im not sure where she came from but i also don't know where she go

MILA: im so pround of you baby you started to word good

JESSICA: actually you ho im gonna get mom to film it

MILA: wait no i need this job im pregnant your mans is the dad

JESSICA: you've never met him

MILA: how do you know

JESSICA: i

JESSICA: i definitely don't watch your every waking move with my two way mirror

MILA: we don't even live in the same house

JESSICA: bYE SEE YOU AT THE WEDDING

_jessica hangs up_

BARBECUE: what the hell did i just witness

JESSICA: it's just normal sister things, fiancee

BARBECUE: look i don't really want to get married to you—

JESSICA: oh hush it's just pre-wedding jitters. now we need to pick out our outfits. we should get a matching tux and dress so we can be true couple goals, and then we need to do a tiktok dance in them to post on tiktok so we can get all of the views

BARBECUE: but

JESSICA: i think a black tux would really suit your skin color, so let's get black. i'm gonna call my other sister to be our wedding planner.

_jessica calls her other sister_

JESSICA: hey lucy can you be my wedding planner

LUCY: sure i have your dress picked out already

JESSICA: oh em gee you know me so well

_they highfive through the phone_

BARBECUE: how do i get out of this situation

BARBECUE: what even is tiktok

_jessica stabs him_

JESSICA: don't let me hear that again or i'll eat your liver. cool?

BARBECUE: no that's not cool

JESSICA: i knew you would agree you're such a snack when you agree with me

BARBECUE: what is going on

_jessica calls a million other people. barbecue passes out from exhaustion._

JESSICA: oh my god baby are you okay

BARBECUE: am i dead

JESSICA: don't worry baby you're fine now let's get you dressed in your wedding suit so we can get married

BARBECUE: wait the wedding is tODAY

JESSICA: obviously

BARBECUE: wait i'm not ready

JESSICA: it's just pre-wedding jitters now get dressed

_she throws a suit at him. it is the size of a toddler_

BARBECUE: how am i supposed to wear this

JESSICA: well if you can't, then make do! god i have to do everything around here. 

_barbecue manages to fit his toe inside the suit._

BARBECUE: does this work

JESSICA: *gasps* you look fabulous sweetheart! 

_suddenly an alter appears behind them and a priest appears. all of the guests are sitting in chairs and everyone is crying except barbecue, jessica, and the priest_

PRIEST: do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband

JESSICA: i do

PRIEST: and do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife

BARBECUE: i don't, i actually—

JESSICA: how romantic, he's still playing hard to get!

PRIEST: well i havent got anymore time for this shit so you can kiss the fuckin bride or whatever

_he smushes their faces together. the guests stand up and cheer and applaud_

BARBECUE: alrighty time for steak i guess

JESSICA: what

BARBECUE: isn't steak a part of wedding traditions

JESSICA: oh my god im divorcing you you're gonna get me all fat like christypor crumbubly

BARBECUE: im not sure who you meant but ok im cool with this

JESSICA: actually no i love you we can be fat together i can rub my fat on you and you can take my fat for me so i can be the skinny one

BARBECUE: no i'm no longer cool with this

JESSICA: yayyyyy i love my life

JESSICA: now it's time to steal ariana's soul where is that bitch i know she was coming i called her like 30 times

BARBECUE: how did you even get her number

JESSICA: off the internet

JESSICA: her friend kept answering asking me if i wanted a ride to texas like no hamilton

BARBECUE: who is hamilton

JESSICA: the alexander one obviously

BARBECUE: you mean the one who died in 1805

JESSICA: yeah

BARBECUE: he is ariana grande's friend

JESSICA: yeah

BARBECUE: what the fuck is happening. also did you hear that george washington has returned from the dead and is running as vice president with kate

JESSICA: yes i'm gonna vote for trump though

_barbecue kicks her away from him_

BARBECUE: sorry i can't marry someone who votes for trump

JESSICA: NOOOOO BABY PLEASE

BARBECUE: bye hoe

_he skips off into the sunset, holding a plate of steak_

BARBECUE: damn this steak is good

_suddenly cheryl and silvia appear_

CHERYL: did the plan work

BARBECUE: yes jessica is now lying on the ground crying because i won't marry her

SILVIA: perfect it's good that she has suffer for what she did to us

_the three of them high five and eat steak together_

_the credits roll_

CHERYL: so can i have ariana's soul


	3. the meatloaf

SUMMARY

barbecue rages about meatloaf sauce, and jimothy reveals a secret about his genitals.

_barbecue, cheryl, silvia, edward jacob harry ronald draco james luke clark loki jon sebastian hasta luegos (fuck it im just gonna call him jimothy from now on), and chris are sitting in barbecue's house having lunch together._

BARBECUE: alright who fucking stole my meatloaf sauce

CHRIS: im sorry did you say meatloaf sauce?

BARBECUE: did i fucking stutter

CHRIS: i don't know did you

CHRIS: can you please tell me if you did i don't know what stuttering sounds like

BARBECUE: no 

BARBECUE: i did not

SILVIA: he didn't

CHERYL: yes he did

SILVIA: shut up christmas what do you know

CHERYL: why do you all butcher my name so badly it's literally just cheryl

BARBECUE: shut up christ comma jesus

JIMOTHY: did you just say "comma"

BARBECUE: yeah what's it to you do you want an antartican gobsmacker 

_he pulls out a sock from under the couch_

JIMOTHY: i do not

SILVIA: wow this meatloaf sauce is good

BARBECUE: *slowly turns toward her* w h a t

SILVIA: i said the meatloaf sauce is g—

_silvia is smacked by barbecue with the sock. he proceeds to give her an antartican gobsmacker. chris, cheryl, and jimothy watch_

_the camera turns off as he does it, a warning sign telling the viewers that it is too graphic to be pictured. loud screaming and moaning noises come from the camera._

CHERYL: well that was something

BARBCUE: HOW DARE YOU EAT MY SAUCE

SILVIA: well how was i supposed to know it was yours it looked like my moms

BARBECUE: wait what

SILVIA: yeah it's an old family recipe

BARBCUE: but it's _my_ family recipe

SILVIA: are we related

BARBECUE: no no way i hope not i've thought about you sexually before

SILVIA: wait what

BARBCUE: what are you talking about i never said that im going to go investigate and possibly have sex with your mom

SILVIA: _wait what_

BARBECUE: i mEAN nothing i'm gonna sit here and eat my sandwich normally while thinking normal not sexy thoughts

SILVIA: W A I T W H A T 

BARBECUE: actually im gonna leave now

_barbecue runs out of the room and slams the door behind him_

CHRIS: he's probably gonna jerk off

SILVIA: yeah while imagining _me!_ pedophile i'm only 18

JIMOTHY: that is so gross why did we decide to associate with him

CHERYL: because we were all fans of barney the dinosaur when we were kids

CHERYL: turns out that barney is actually barbecue's cousin

JIMOTHY: by the way how do you think jessica's doing

SILVIA: do you think we give a shit

JIMOTHY: no but i do i'm her brother

CHRIS: wait wait wait she wanted to have sex with you in the pilot episode

JIMOTHY: yeah i know we almost did it too until i pushed her into the toilet and ran and hid in the closet

SILVIA: good job dude

CHERYL: wait so do you have a tiny dick though

JIMOTHY: im not sure

SILVIA: how are you _not_ sure? 

JIMOTHY: i haven't had a good talk with mister peen for 5 years

CHRIS: you named your dick mister peen

JIMOTHY: no my mom named it that when i was younger and now everyone calls him that

CHERYL: why do you say him like it has a soul

JIMOTHY: cuz he does wanna see? he's very handsome. he has a mustache

CHRIS: dude that's called pubes.

JIMOTHY: wait where'd his face come from then?

CHRIS: his what

SILVIA: his what

CHERYL: his what

CHRIS: why does mister peen have pubes

CHRIS: why do you taLK to him

SILVIA: do dicks usually have faces

CHRIS: no they do not i promise you

CHERYL: i am so disgusted you are all so vulgar and nasty

JIMOTHY: hey it's not my fault my dick is named mister peen

EVERYONE: WHOSE FAULT IS IT

JIMOTHY: my mom remember

JIMOTHY: also mister peen had big feet but i cut them off with a sharp stick

CHRIS:.....

CHRIS: those were your nuts dude

JIMOTHY: is that why the doc told me i can't have kids

CHRIS: probably

CHRIS: definitely

SILVIA: w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g

CHERYL: wait so jimothy you cut off your nuts and your dick has a face and a name

JIMOTHY: yes

CHERYL: what kind of crack are you on

_jimothy shifts over, revealing a crack in the ground that is also covered in cocaine_

JIMOTHY: i also have asscrack if you prefer

CHERYL: no i really don't

SILVIA: you are all so immature i am leaving this house right now

CHRIS: to go where

SILVIA: to find barbecue

CHRIS: he's even worse than us and you know that

SILVIA: well shit then i guess i'll go home then

CHERYL: bye hoe

_silvia turns around_

SILVIA: also guess what guys im a lesbian and im in love with cheryl even though she's a whore for mister peen

_jimothy's dick wakes up_

MISTER PEEN: i heard my name come out of a girl's mouth im awake where's the vagina

JIMOTHY: wait no she's gay

MISTER PEEN: gay for dick

JIMOTHY: that's not how that works

MISTER PEEN: what about the other girl

MISTER PEEN: the one who's a whore for me

JIMOTHY: i dunno

_they both look at cheryl_

CHERYL: what the fuck

CHERYL: you guys know i'm a lesbian right

MISTER PEEN: goddammit jimothy you keep giving me false hopes

SILVIA: wait cheryl is a lesbian too

CHERYL: yes but not for you

SILVIA: goddammit

MISTER PEEN: well i'm going back to sleep now goodnight

_mister peen goes to sleep_

CHRIS: i feel like everyone here is on some level of drugs

_suddenly barbecue bursts into the bathroom_

BARBECUE: whatcha talking about hoes

CHRIS: mister peen

_jessica walks in_

JESSICA: jimothy i swear if you show them mister peen

_mister peen awakens_

MISTER PEEN: wHOMST HAS AWAKENED THE ANCIENT ONE

JESSICA: shut up you're like eighteen

MISTER PEEN: oh true

_mister peen sleepkens_

SILVIA: sleepkens is not a word

CHRIS: stop breaking the fourth wall goddammit silvia

SILVIA: sorry i just have this power

CHERYL: wait barbecue i thought you weren't with jessi anymore

BARBECUE: no we are now we have kids

JIMOTHY: you sHAT

BARBECUE: no i didnt shit

JIMOTHY: sorry verbal typo i meant wHAT

JESSICA: yes we do here they are

_a horde of kids come running in_

JESSICA: they're all biological

JIMOTHY: hOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE

JESSICA: well we're trying to replace the family on _19 kids and counting_ so we're up to about 24 now

JIMOTHY: _**24 KIDS?!**_

JESSICA: yes and we named them all J names just like the parents did on _19 kids and counting_ so we have jane, julia, julien, julius, juliana, juliette, juliet, janet, jan, jason, jimmy, john, juice, jiggly, jiggle, jeep, jiana, julissa, janie, jimothy jr, jim, junior, june, and junebug

BARBECUE: and their dad barbecue

JESSICA: i told you to change it to james so we could have our names be alliteration

JIMOTHY: why is there a jimothy jr

CHRIS: and how did you have so many kids in the span of 2 days

JESSICA: i have a tiny uterus they could only grow in there for 3 hours

SILVIA: something doesn't add up

JESSICA: shut up saliva

CHERYL: haha it's happening to you too

SILVIA: shut it chernobbly

CHERYL: i thought you were gay for me

SILVIA: not anymore charlotto

CHERYL: how

CHERYL: how did you even get that

SILVIA: can you shut up

JIMOTHY: are we not going to talk about the fact that they literally have kids named jiggly and jiggle

BARBECUE: don't look at me jessica made those names up

JESSICA: oop another baby's coming hold on 

_she runs out of the room. two minutes later she comes back holding a baby_

JESSICA: what should we name him

CHRIS: name him mister peen

JESSICA: that doesn't start with a j

CHRIS: jister peen

BARBECUE: sounds good with me. 

_the kid is now named jister peen_

SILVIA: at some point name a kid joke so you can say when you gave birth to him that he was a joke

JESSICA: how dare you say that about my beautiful unborn baby

BARBECUE: she has a point though

JESSICA: well ok

JESSICA: time to get pregnant again

_jessica pulls out a large jar of prego sauce, drinks it all, and suddenly she's pregnant again_

JESSICA: prego

JESSICA: gets you preggo

CHRIS: i thought they were all biological

JESSICA: yes it has sperm in there

SILVIA: oh my god

SILVIA: kill her

CHRIS: agreed what in the hell

CHERYL: i dunno guys that's pretty hot

CHERYL: i want to do that with her

SILVIA: is this who you're gay for

CHERYL: duh that's why i didn't come to her stupid ass wedding

CHERYL: also i was being held by the sky police but still

CHERYL: i just had sex with them and they let me go

CHRIS: what is wrong with this show

SILVIA: i want out

BARBECUE: wait jessica i never put my sperm in that jar

JESSICA: wait you didn't

JESSICA: i thought you did i told you too 

BARBECUE: i was going to but then i forgot

JESSICA: wait who owns this sperm then

_they stare at each other for a few seconds. suddenly all of the kids start to cry at the same time_

JIMOTHY: oH GOD MY EARS

SILVIA: I REGRET EVERYTHING

CHRIS: WHY DID I AGREE TO BE ON THIS SHOW

CHERYL: I AM LEAVING

_jimothy, silvia, chris, and cheryl run out of the bathroom, covering their ears_

BARBECUE: well now it's just you, me, and these dumb fuck kids

JESSICA: shhh don't swear in front of the children you stupid fucking donkey

BARBECUE: are you gordan ramsey

JESSICA: no

JESSICA: wait that's a good idea for a baby name

BARBECUE: but it doesn't start with a j

JESSICA: we can take out the g and replace it with a j but still pronounce it gordan

BARBECUE: but that's just the name jordan

JESSICA: exactly he'll be gay

BARBECUE: that's not how that works

JESSICA: _he will be gay there is no choice for him he likes to fuck mean_

BARBECUE: do you mean men

JESSICA: well that too but he's mean

BARBECUE: why do you want your son to be mean

BARBECUE: also none of these kids are mine

BARBECUE: im free

JESSICA: no no no that cant happen give me your sperm

BARBECUE: never

_barbecue runs away_

JESSICA: hEY YOU CANT LEAVE ME HERE WITH ALL OF THESE KIDS

_there is no response. her kids continue to screech_

JESSICA: i can't believe this why is this happening to me my whole world is crashing down

_suddenly the entire world crashes down_

JESSICA: that was horrible and you know it

SCRIPT WRITER: sorry you know i had to do it to 'em

JESSICA: who is em

SCRIPT WRITER: no it means them

JESSICA: oh

SCRIPT WRITER: my name is'th catherine

CATHERINE: but you can call me cassiddy

JESSICA: why

CASSIDDY: actually cat

JESSICA: i don't want to get to know you

CAT: well thats mean

CAT: sad face

JESSICA: why can't you just do a sad face

JESSICA: why'd you have to say it

CAT: what if i killed you off

JESSICA: please don't do that you'd be killing my unborn baby too

CAT: do i look like i care

JESSICA: well you should because i'm going to be the next ariana grande and i will cancel you!

CAT: well i'm one of the creator's of this world and if you continue to be a bitch i will make sure you become a sickly woman on the streets instead of ariana grande

JESSICA: fuck you you can't make me

CAT: oh yes i can just watch

_suddenly jessica's children all drop dead around her, and the house crumbles to pieces. she is no longer a rich stuck up piss baby, but a homeless woman_

JESSICA: hEY fix everything rIGHT NOW

CAT: sorry asshole you shouldn't have disrespected me. now bye hoe

JESSICA: HEY COME BACK

_nobody answers_

_another script writer decides to put her face into the sun_

SCRIPT WRITER: howdy

JESSICA: what the fuck is going on

SCRIPT WRITER: i dunno

SCRIPT WRITER: im the sun

SCRIPT WRITER: my name is rue

RUE: i like to eat cheese

JESSICA: did i fucking ask

RUE: i dunno. i don't really care because you kinda have to listen to me because i created the very idea of you

JESSICA: well if you're so amazing undo what your friend did

RUE: oh cat? we're not friends. we're just unnaturally spiritually, emotionally, and physically connected

JESSICA: wait did you say physically connected-

RUE: shut up we were a rat once and she died inside me

JESSICA: what-

_rue the sun grows hands, pulling out a phone and blasting water by kehlani_

_rue dances away and the sun goes back to normal_

JESSICA: is this what drugs feel like

BARBECUE: probably

_jessica jumps_

JESSICA: oh babe your back

BARBECUE: do you mean you're back

JESSICA: no your back 

JESSICA: it's covered in spiders

JESSICA: by the way im a changed woman

BARBECUE: but you're in the same shirt i saw you in earlier

JESSICA: not that kind of changed

JESSICA: im going to college

BARBECUE: good luck with that you're the dumbest fuck i've ever seen in my life

_he wiggles._

_the credits roll_

JESSICA: oh shit shit im having the bABY NOW


	4. jessica's baby

SUMMARY

jessica gives birth, barbecue has some odd preferences when it comes to sex.

_now there's a crying baby on the ground_

JESSICA: i TOLD you i was giving birth

BARBECUE: when did i say you weren't

JESSICA: you were thinking it

BARBECUE: yes you're right i was

_they stare at the baby_

JESSICA: now what do we do

BARBECUE: we care for it, obviously

JESSICA: oh yeah i forgot

BARBECUE: why do i have more of a maternal instinct than you

JESSICA: because secretly

JESSICA: you have a vagina on your shoulder

JESSICA: like me

BARBECUE:

BARBECUE: im sorry what

JESSICA: wait you don't

_barbecue checks his shoulder for any vaginas he may have missed_

BARBECUE: nope i am vag free

JESSICA: damn it

JESSICA: im the only one

JESSICA, IN A GHOST VOICE: ALLOONNEEE AGAINNNN

BARBECUE: i'm literally right here

JESSICA: shut up this is how i cope

JESSICA, IN A GHOST VOICE: LONELYYYYYYY

JESSICA: I'M STILL LONELYYYYYYY

JESSICA: I HAVE NOBODYYYYYY FOR MY OWWWWWWWWWWWWWN

BARBECUE: you literally sound like a dying fish

JESSICA: that is not what dying fish sound like

BARBECUE: yes it is i am one

JESSICA: racist

BARBECUE: how

JESSICA: you fish vagina

BARBECUE: what does that have to do with anything

JESSICA: you didn't support me having jeriminiee

BARBECUE: when did we agree on that name

JESSICA: we didn't

BARBECUE: when did i not support you having a baby

JESSICA: you did

BARBECUE: when

JESSICA: at some point i could hear you thinking it

BARBECUE: youre so right how do you keep doing that 

_Jessica flips her hair_

JESSICA: a momma always knows

BARBECUE: that makes it seem like you're my mom

JESSICA: call me mommy

BARBECUE: oh god it's a sex thing

JESSICA: it wasnt gonna be

BARBECUE: well shit it's my dirty mind

_he closes his laptop_

JESSICA: were you watching porn

BARBECUE: no

JESSICA: let me see

_she grabs his laptop and opens it up_

JESSICA: what the fuck is this

_she turns it around towards the camera, revealing my little pony porn_

BARBECUE: uh

BARBECUE: educational stuff

JESSICA: you were looking at MLP porn for education

BARBECUE: yes

JESSICA: fabulous i want to watch something educational

BARBECUE: wait no

_jessica stares at the screen horrified_

JESSICA: hOW IS THIS EDUCATIONAL?!

BARBECUE: UH UH ITS TEACHING US WHAT TO DO IN CASE WE HAVE SEX WITH PONIES?!

JESSICA: _**WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?!**_

BARBECUE: _**I DON'T KNOW!!**_

JESSICA: what the fuck is wrong with you

BARBECUE: im not entirely sure

_the credits roll as they scream in horror_


	5. the portal part one

SUMMARY

barbecue and silvia end up in a portal, barbecue nearly dies, and an old lady tries to seduce a dinosaur

_barbecue sits on his couch, half asleep_

_a large hole in the ground opens up_

_barbecue opens one eye, then shuts it, not giving a shit_

_he is suddenly sucked in_

BARBECUE: what the fUCK

_he falls through it_

BARBECUE: did i accidentally take some acid

BARBECUE: it doesn't feel how i thought it would

_silvia appears_

SILVIA: i've taken acid and it's not like this

BARBECUE: holy shit silvia

SILVIA: it's britney bitch

BARBECUE: wait your name is britney

SILVIA: no

BARBECUE: then change the saying

SILVIA: it's sritney sitch

BARBECUE: not like that

SILVIA: well then how do i change it?

BARBECUE: i'm not exactly sure. 

SILVIA: then don't tell me to change it if you don't know how

SILVIA: anyway why are we still floating around in this portal, isn't it supposed to like, take us somewhere

_silvia and barbecue look around. everything is made of rainbows and is flashing very brightly._

SILVIA: i take it back this rave trip hurts my eyes

_she closes her eyes_

BARBECUE: this is the land of my people

SILVIA: what people we're the only people here

_suddenly a small green triceratops floats over to them_

GREEN THING: hi i'm baby crap welcome to our home!

_another small yellow protoceratops floats over to them_

YELLOW THING: hello humans i'm DJ

BARBECUE: actually i'm not a human

DJ: of course you are you have human feet

_barbecue looks down. his feet have turned into human feet_

BARBECUE: what the fUCK

BABY CRAP: also you swear and dinosaurs don't swear

BARBECUE: are you sure about that

_he points at dj's shirt, which says MOTHERFUCKIN DINOS on it_

DJ: "motherfuckin" is not a bad word. it is a nationality here in our land. how dare you

SILVIA: can you stop offending them barbecue what if they kill us

BARBECUE: i have nothing left to lose i don't care if they kill us

SILVIA: well i do so PLEASE don't

BARBECUE: what gives you the impression that i care 

SILVIA: you bought me a sandwich so now you're my fake dad 

BARBECUE: i can't afford to have more kids im so broke

BABY CRAP: actually m***y doesn't exist here, and it's actually a swear

SILVIA: god barbecue why did i have to be stuck with you of all people in this portal. why couldn't it have been-

_she paused, blushing._

SILVIA: nevermind

BARBECUE: well now I need to know

SILVIA: when I said nevermind I meant it

BARBECUE: no please tell me

SILVIA: no you'll laugh

BARBECUE: i literally have no sense of humor anymore how could i laugh 

SILVIA: not you i meant them

_she points at baby crap and dj_

DJ: laughing is forbidden in our land so we're legally obligated not to laugh

BABY CRAP: yeah we've never laughed in our entire lives

BABY CRAP: anyone who does is immediately executed

BARBECUE: see we won't laugh

SILVIA: fine but you have to promise not tell anyone

BARBECUE, BABY CRAP, DJ: we promise

SILVIA: haha sike i would never say. this is an acid trip and i'd just be saying it out loud

BARBECUE: fucking hell woman spit it out we know you want to tell us

SILVIA: how did i even find acid

BARBECUE: you didn't.

BARBECUE: this is real

BARBECUE: how does your liver feel

SILVIA: i don't think you should be able to feel your liver

BARBECUE: then what is this

_barbecue knocks on his stomach, and a loud metallic clang rings out_

SILVIA: i don't think there's a reasonable explanation for that

BARBECUE: me neither

BARBECUE: i think i ate melted gold once

SILVIA: why

SILVIA: why would you do that

BARBECUE: there was a famine

SILVIA: so instead of using the money from the gold to buy food, you decided to eat the gold

BARBECUE: yeah it was really hot

BARBECUE: wanna see the massive damage it did on my tonsils

SILVIA: not really

BARBECUE: fine

BARBECUE: i wanted to show them off

BARBECUE: the doctor said they would never regrow

SILVIA: i don't think they regrow even if you don't eat molten gold

BARBECUE: idk my doctor was jessica

SILVIA: that would explain a lot

_flashback to barbecue coming home with three bandaids on a broken arm_

BARBECUE: possibly

_he looks around. he sees a cake_

BARBECUE: ooh cake

SILVIA: don't touch that what if it's poisoned

_barbecue touches the cake_

BARBECUE: see not poisoned

SILVIA: don't eat it what if it's poisoned

_barbecue eats the cake_

BARBECUE: see not poisoned

SILVIA: don't digest it what if it's poisoned

_barbecue digests the cake_

BARBECUE: oh fuck

SILVIA: what

BARBECUE: it's poisoned

_he falls over and starts foaming at the toes_

DJ: how are you foaming at the toes

SILVIA: don't worry he does that a lot

_she stomps on his stomach_

SILVIA: that should cure him

BABY CRAP: you just made bloody foam come out

SILVIA: oh fuck

_barbecue just lays there, resigned to his fate of bloody toes_

DJ: let's take him to a healer they will cure him

_the three of them pick up barbecue and walk and walk until they find a town_

DJ: OKAY SO WE NEED TO BE REALLY QUIET HERE

SILVIA: but you're shouting

BABY CRAP: DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO HIM SHUT THE FUCK UP YOURE SO LOUD

_silvia shrinks back_

SILVIA, WHISPERING: _okay im sorry_

BARBECUE: GOD FUCKIN DAMNIT SIBERIA NOW YOURE THE ONE BEING OFFENSIVE

BABY CRAP: YEAH

_they stop at a little house_

DJ: OKAY HERES THE HEALER

_they swing barbecue's body and let go while he is in midair, causing him to soar onto the porch. the porch shatters._

DJ: welp

SILVIA: barbecue are you okay

_barbecue is completely fucking knocked out_

SILVIA: oh my god is he dead

BABY CRAP: check his pulse

SILVIA: i don't know how

SILVIA: why don't you do it?

BABY CRAP: im a dinosaur dipshit

_baby crap holds up his big ass feet_

BABY CRAP: ive got big ass feet

SILVIA: and i have eyes, idiot, do you think i cant see your big ass feet

DJ: baby crap you can't say a**

BABY CRAP: oh shit

BABY CRAP: wAIT NO

_suddenly dinosaur police drop down from the sky. they carry baby crap away_

DJ: NOOOO BABY CRAP

SILVIA: what the fuck just happened

DJ: she's going to be killed

SILVIA: why

DJ: if you swear they kill you

SILVIA: why

DJ: because its immoral and against our religion

SILVIA: what religion

DJ: we worship the gourd, his name is jesqueshus 

SILVIA: jeh

SILVIA: _jesqueshus????_

DJ: yeah do you have a problem with that

SILVIA: im not sure i should answer that

DJ: that might be a good idea

_the door opens, revealing a crinkly old woman_

DJ: hey you ho

OLD LADY: hey racism

_they do a high five_

SILVIA: uh

SILVIA: okay

SILVIA: do you heal people

OLD LADY: i can learn

SILVIA: that's not promising

_the old lady steps out of her house and it is revealed she is jacked. she picks up barbecue and carries him inside and throws him on a bed_

OLD LADY: so i need to fuck him right

SILVIA: what no he got poisoned

OLD LADY: oh

_the old lady throws a teapot at him_

BARBECUE: what the fuck

BARBECUE: why am i covered in splinters

SILVIA: oh my god

BARBECUE: did i take a bath

SILVIA: do you usually not take baths

BARBECUE: i took a bath in 1897

SILVIA: what the fuck how old are you

BARBECUE: you knew i was a dinosaur

SILVIA: yeah but still

BARBECUE: im old

OLD LADY: not as old as these wrinkly titties

BARBECUE: try me bitch i have a wrinkly dick

SILVIA: wait i thought you said you were middle aged

BARBECUE: for a dinosaur, yeah

SILVIA: how old is that

BARBECUE: dont remember. but i remember when i was a kid, the battle of sekigahara was raging on

SILVIA: you

SILVIA: you were born in 16th century japan

BARBECUE: yes

SILVIA: and you're middle aged

BARBECUE: yes

SILVIA: how the fuck

OLD LADY: you think thats old i was born during the 80s 

BARBECUE: that's not old

SILVIA: then by that definition you're only in your late 30s 

OLD LADY: exactly im old

SILVIA: you're bullshit thats what you are

_the old lady throws a blender at her. it hits the wall_

SILVIA: next time maybe hit my lower body so i dont have to have periods 

BARBECUE: youd give up your legs just so you dont have blood coming out of your vagina every month

SILVIA: listen bitchu

BARBECUE: did you just call me bitchu

SILVIA: yes that is an actual name from the time period you were born in

SILVIA: anyway

SILVIA: listen bitchu, having period sucks ass. you have heavy flows of blood pouring out of you for a week all because you didnt sex it up with some man

BARBECUE: damn

OLD LADY: then your titties become clay

BARBECUE: wait what

SILVIA: wait what

OLD LADY: wait that's not normal

SILVIA: my boobs have never been turned into clay, yes

OLD LADY: oh shit

OLD LADY: i need to be healed

_she pulls out a long joint that's the length of barbecue's leg_

BARBECUE: holy shit

OLD LADY: want some

BARBECUE: yes please

OLD LADY: ok but i don't own a lighter so someone needs to catch on fire

SILVIA: i don't think any of us can-

_barbecue catches himself on fire_

SILVIA: okay nevermind

OLD LADY: holy shit

_barbecue grabs dj, who has been standing there this whole time, and lights him on fire_

SILVIA: yOURE KILLING A CHILD

BARBECUE: IM TAKING HIM DOWN WITH ME

SILVIA: NO

_she grabs dj and yeets him into the abyss_

BARBECUE: what was that supposed to do now he's flying through the void while on fire

SILVIA: oh shit i didnt think of that

SILVIA: let me go get him

BARBECUE: wait—

_silvia jumps off into the abyss_

BARBECUE: gODDAMMIT

OLD LADY: well now that it's just us would you like to *wiggles eyebrows* have some private time

BARBECUE: i'm gonna go with them actually

_he yeets himself into the abyss_

BARBECUE: wow falling down is fun

_he bumps into silvia_

SILVIA: why did you jump

BARBECUE: that old lady wanted to sex it up with me

SILVIA: why didn't you want to

BARBECUE: i think im done with sex

BARBECUE: jessica completely fucking drained me

SILVIA: are you still married to her

BARBECUE: sadly yes

SILVIA: get a divorce

BARBECUE: i can't. jessica scares me

SILVIA: well if you keep being married to her, eventually your dick is gonna fall off and you're just gonna have this long stump

BARBECUE: oh god what the fuck

SILVIA: yeah so that's pretty fun

BARBECUE: no it isn't i would like to keep my dick

SILVIA: welp

SILVIA: tell her about the divorce

BARBECUE: fine

BARBECUE: if we ever get out of here cuz i don't own a phone

SILVIA: i have one

_silvia searches her pockets but finds nothing_

SILVIA: shit i think that old lady stole it

BARBECUE: welp

SILVIA: is this void ever gonna stop going

DJ: WHY DO YOU THINK ITS A VOID

SILVIA: oh hey i completely forgot about you

DJ: WELLP FUCK YOU 

DJ: oh no

SILVIA: well 

_the sky police drop an anvil on dj, killing them and leaving their dead body floating in the air_

SILVIA: oh no 

SILVIA: i hate that

_roll credits_

SILVIA: are we gonna be stuck in this void forever


	6. the portal part two

SILVIA: okay

SILVIA: so we've been falling for like

SILVIA: forever

BARBECUE: no shit

BARBECUE: there is no shit in my body

SILVIA: what are you doing

BARBECUE: telling myself there is no shit in my body so i don't shit myself

SILVIA: yeah please don't

BARBECUE: holy shit i feel some shit coming out

SILVIA: but i thought you said 

BARBECUE: wait no

_he shits out a shiny hot dog_

BARBECUE: what the fuck is this

SILVIA: looks like a shiny hot dog

BARBECUE: something's written on it

SILVIA: i have 20/20 vision let me see

BARBECUE: if you have 2020 vision why didnt you see the hellscape that is 2020

SILVIA: stop breaking the fourth wall!

_she examines the writing on the shiny hot dog. it is weird. it is definitely not any human language_

SILVIA: it says "ᖻᓍ ᖶᕼᓰS ᓰS ᖶᕼᘿ ᕲᓰᘉᘜ ᖶᕼᗩᖶ ᖻᓍᑘ ᘻᗩᖻ ᓍᖇ ᘻᗩᖻ ᘉᓍᖶ ᕼᗩᐺᘿ ᗷᘿᘿᘉ Sᘿᗩᖇᑢᕼᓰᘉᘜ ᖴᓍᖇ. ᓰᖴ ᖻᓍᑘ Sᓍᘻᘿᕼᓍᘺ ᖇᘿᗩᕲ ᖶᕼᓰS, ᕵᒪᘿᗩSᘿ ᕲᘿSᖶᖇᓍᖻ ᖶᕼᓰS ᓰᘉ ᗩ ᐺᓍᒪᑢᗩᘉᓍ ᖶᕼᗩᘉᖽᐸS"

BARBECUE: you just spoke a shit ton of gibberish

SILVIA: oh sorry i'm fluent in the language of the gourd and thats what this is written in

SILVIA: it says "yo this is the ding that you may or may not have been searching for. if you somehow read this, please destroy this in a volcano thanks"

BARBECUE: how do we find a volcano in the void

BARBECUE: also we weren't looking for a ding

SILVIA: let's just throw it in the side of the void

_silvia sticks out her arm and a creature snatches it out of her hand_

SILVIA: holy shit what was that

BARBECUE: jesus christ

SILVIA: dont like that

BARBECUE: me neither

SILVIA: i hear the whispers of the language of the gourd

SILVIA: gourdish

BARBECUE: what are they saying

SILVIA: theyre whispering theyre trying to share the gourd between them

BARBECUE: wait no tell them to throw it into a volcano

SILVIA: ok hold on

SILVIA: ᕼᘿᖻ ᑘᘻ ᘻᗩᖻᗷᘿ ᖻᓍᑘ Sᕼᓍᑘᒪᕲ ᖶᕼᖇᓍᘺ ᖶᕼᗩᖶ ᕼᓍᖶ ᕲᓍᘜ ᖶᕼᓰᘉᘜ ᓰᘉᖶᓍ ᗩ ᐺᓍᒪᑢᗩᘉᓍ ᓰᘉSᖶᘿᗩᕲ

_there is silence_

SILVIA: they said no

BARBECUE: tell them to fucking do it or ill give them an antarican gobsmacker

SILVIA: ᕲᓍ ᓰᖶ ᓍᖇ ᖶᕼᓰS ᕵᑘᖇᕵᒪᘿ ᓰᕲᓰᓍᖶ ᓍᑘᖶ ᕼᘿᖇᘿ ᘺᓰᒪᒪ ᘜᓰᐺᘿ ᖻᓍᑘ ᗩᘉ ᗩᘉᖶᗩᖇᖶᓰᑢᗩᘉ ᘜᓍᗷSᘻᗩᑢᖽᐸᘿᖇ

_more silence_

SILVIA: they said no, they're gonna protect it with riddles

BARBECUE: well fuck

BARBECUE: i don't know what they are so im not entirely sure how to give them an antarican gobsmacker

SILVIA: i know

_a clock hits silvia in the head_

CLOCK: hello silvia

SILVIA: hello clock

CLOCK: my name is cat

SILVIA: okay

CAT: im your creator

SILVIA: im pretty sure my mom is my creator but okay

CAT: you don't even have a mom

CAT: im your mom as far as we know

CAT: also rue but she's not important right now

SILVIA: okay

CAT: anyways ive come here to tell you that you will eventually get out of this hole, but we want to kind of torture you a little so you're gonna start hallucinating things real soon. courtesy of rue.

BARBECUE: wait what

CAT: enjoy

SILVIA: oh my god that's an unsettling [bat](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/65/d1/e6/65d1e65083d9df8b35ffc95a48edbe5e.jpg)

_she stares at a bat that is staring back at her from atop barbecue's head_

BAT: howdy wanna light shit on fire

SILVIA: kinda

BARBECUE: who are you talking to

SILVIA: the unsettling bat on your head

BARBECUE: question

BARBECUE: what is bee sauce

SILVIA: what

BARBECUE: all i see are the words "bee sauce" around us

SILVIA: hell yeah, get in the jar you sexy sexy bee sauce

BARBECUE: do you take constructive criticism 

SILVIA: i absolutely fucking do not

BARBECUE: wait why are we quoting this

SILVIA: idk what is life

BARBECUE: why is your head so big and shaped like a dick

SILVIA: it

SILVIA: its not

BAT: it definitely is britney

SILVIA: my name isnt britney

BAT: it is now

SILVIA: no

BAT: hee hee

SILVIA: michael jackson?

BAT: uh no haha

_suddenly the bat turns into michael jackson perching on barbecue's head_

SILVIA: what the fUCK

MICHAEL JACKSON: ᕲᓰᕲᘉ'ᖶ Sᘿᘿ ᖶᕼᗩᖶ ᓍᘉᘿ ᑢᓍᘻᓰᘉᘜ ᕲᓰᕲ ᖻᗩ

SILVIA: ᖻᓍᑘ ᗷᗩSᖶᗩᖇᕲ! ᖻᓍᑘ ᖽᐸᘉᓍᘺ ᓰ ᕼᗩᐺᘿ ᗩ ᕵᕼᓍᗷᓰᗩ ᓍᖴ ᘻᓰᑢᕼᗩᘿᒪ ᒚᗩᑢᖽᐸSᓍᘉ!

_silvia and michael jackson start yelling at each other in gourdish. barbecue just stands there. he snaps his fingers. suddenly michael jackson disappears and the two of them are back at the old lady's house_

SILVIA: holy shit what did you do

BARBECUE: i snapped my fingers

SILVIA: why

BARBECUE: well i was bored and i couldn't understand a thing you and that hell creature were saying

BARBECUE: how do you even know how to speak gourdish

SILVIA: all worshippers have to learn it

SILVIA: i also know latin

BARBECUE: how do you know latin it's a dead language

SILVIA: et? nullum negotium tuum!

BARBECUE: what the fuck did you just say to me

SILVIA: "and? no business!"

SILVIA: be glad i directly translated it to you instead of telling you what i meant to say

BARBECUE: no business

_the old lady comes out of her house and eyes barbecue in a weird way_

OLD LADY: hey sexy

BARBECUE: oh fuck i forgot she existed

SILVIA: stand back i know how to repel perverted old women

_she steps in between the old lady and barbecue and holds up a stick in the shape of a ᓰ. she holds it in front of her like a christian person would with a cross and the old woman starts to burn in flames_

OLD LADY: aAAAGH ITS THE POWER OF THE GOURD

SILVIA: ᖶᕼᘿ ᕵᓍᘺᘿᖇ ᓍᖴ ᒚᘿSᕴᑘᘿSᕼᑘS ᑢᓍᘻᕵᘿᒪS ᖻᓍᑘ!

_the old lady becomes a pile of ashes. suddenly hundreds of dinosaurs surround them and start cheering_

DINO 1: you saved us from our oppressive leader thank you!

DINO 2: you two are now our new leaders!

ALL DINOSAURS: ALL HAIL OUR SAVIORS

_silvia and barbecue look at each other_

BARBECUE: wait so now we're the leader of a ton of dinosaurs

SILVIA: motherfuckin dinosaurs. remember dj's shirt from part one

_flashback_

BABY CRAP: dinosaurs don't swear

BARBECUE: are you sure about that

_he points at dj's shirt, which says MOTHERFUCKIN DINOS on it_

DJ: "motherfuckin" is not a bad word. it is a nationality here in our land

_flashback ends_

BARBECUE: well how are we supposed to lead these things

SILVIA: i dont know we don't even know how to get out of this portal thing we've been stuck here for ages

BARBECUE: true where do you think jessica and cheryl and jimothy and mr peen are

SILVIA: i hope they're not in the portal too that would truly be hell on earth

BARBECUE: this isn't earth

SILVIA: shut up

_a small dinosaur raises his hand_

DINO 3: um excuse me great leaders, the old hag hasn't let us eat in forty years in order to keep us from starting a rebellion. do you perhaps have food for us? we are starving

SILVIA: i could kill barbecue and yall could eat him

SILVIA: or we could eat this dusty ass lady

DINO 3: but isn't a** a forbidden word

DINO 2: so is m****y

BARBECUE: wait hold on let's go back to when you said you wanted to kill me and-

SILVIA: that's in the past

SILVIA: or is it

BARBECUE: please don't kill me

SILVIA: i thought you said you had nothing to lose

BARBECUE: that was a lie please don't hurt me

SILVIA: hm

SILVIA: fine let's go find that baby crap kid and we can eat her or something

BARBECUE: no we're not giving these dinos first meal in forty years as cannibalism

SILVIA: that sentence made no sense but fine lets give them chicken

_she pulls a live chicken out of her back pocket and releases it into the crowd. the dinosaurs all tear at it savagely_

BARBECUE: while they're distracted lets get out of here

_they jump into the void again and fall and fall and fall until they gracefully land on some invisible surface_

SILVIA: what did we just land on

BARBECUE: i don't know can we walk

_he walks_

BARBECUE: yes we can

SILVIA: i can't walk

SILVIA: i forgot how

BARBECUE: well damn

BARBECUE: why not

SILVIA: i dONT KNOW

BARBECUE: here i'll help you

SILVIA: why are you helping me

BARBECUE: you're the only other person in the cast i actually like

BARBECUE: and not just because i've had sexual thoughts about you

SILVIA: ew i forgot about that don't touch me

BARBECUE: no i'm gonna help you

_he carries her piggy back as they walk around wondering where the hell they are_

SILVIA: you smell sweaty

BARBECUE: yeah no shit we've been running around silvia

SILVIA: sorry it's just that do you ever wear deodorant

BARBECUE: no i'm allergic to all kinds

SILVIA: that explains it

BARBECUE: our creators are mean

SILVIA: what did I say about the fourth wall thing?

SILVIA: youre not Deadpool

SILVIA: also question 

BARBECUE: shoot

SILVIA: im going to resist the urge to shoot you.

SILVIA: but anyways

SILVIA: how havent you been killed aren't you a dinosaur

BARBECUE: am I really a dinosaur

SILVIA: the dinosaurs died before humans were around

BARBECUE: i told you i was born in 16th century japan

SILVIA: how

SILVIA: who are your parents

BARBECUE: i have human parents

SILVIA: wHAT the FUCK

BARBECUE: they're dead now though

SILVIA: yeah no shit who were they

SILVIA: were they famous

BARBECUE: maybe

BARBECUE: i don't remember their names but i have pictures

_he pulls out two photos, one of a[man](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/d/dd/George_Washington_1795.jpg/220px-George_Washington_1795.jpg) and one of a [woman](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/ef/Yodo-dono.jpg/220px-Yodo-dono.jpg)_

BARBECUE: the guy looks a lil crusty

SILVIA: that's literally george washington and he wasn't even born

BARBECUE: wait really but that's what he looked like

SILVIA: are you saying george washington time traveled to 16th century japan and had an affair with a woman named chacha

BARBECUE: her name is what now

SILVIA: chacha

BARBECUE: are you shitting me

SILVIA: not literally no

SILVIA: but her name is chacha

BARBECUE: well yes that is what he did then

SILVIA: bullshit i don't believe you

_suddenly george washington appears_

WASHINGTON: sON?

BARBECUE: dAD?

WASHINGTON: i'm sorry it took me so long to come home son

WASHINGTON: i had affairs with a lovely elderly woman while buying some milk

SILVIA: wait what the fuck

WASHINGTON: her name was martha

BARBECUE: dad you cheated on mom

WASHINGTON: i'm sorry son

BARBECUE: you're breaking our family apart

WASHINGTON: i'll try to be a better dad

BARBECUE: ok

_washington looks at silvia_

WASHINGTON: aw is this your girlfriend

SILVIA: wait what no no i'm only eighteen

WASHINGTON: that's the perfect age

SILVIA: this is the 21st century you pervert and besides i'm a lesbian

WASHINGTON: a thespian?

WASHINGTON: i love the theater

SILVIA: nO

SILVIA: a LESBIAN

SILVIA: with an L

BARBECUE: it means she's attracted to girls

WASHINGTON: but son

WASHINGTON: you are a girl

BARBECUE: what 

WASHINGTON: you do not have thine penis

BARBECUE: that's because i'm naked half the time i can't have my dick hanging out on screen

WASHINGTON: oh

SILVIA: you're breaking the fourth wall again can you stop

BARBECUE: sorry i just have this power

WASHINGTON: what fourth wall

_silvia points towards the camera_

WASHINGTON: isn't that just a strange black square

SILVIA: no dumbass it's a camera

WASHINGTON: excuse me young lady i am not a stupid donkey

SILVIA: you stupid fucking donkey you put so much ginger in this it tastes like a weasley

WASHINGTON: what ginger

BARBECUE: who's weasley

WASHINGTON: what's "this"

SILVIA: you're an idiot sandwich

_she presses her fingers against washington's cheeks and squeezes his face_

SILVIA: WHAT ARE YOU

WASHINGTON: i have no idea

BARBECUE: you're an idiot sandwich dad

WASHINGTON: how dare you ariana grande wouldn't have to put up with this

SILVIA: wait

SILVIA: jessica? 

WASHINGTON: no jessica is just my daughter i talk like her sometimes

SILVIA: wait w h a t

BARBECUE: wait

BARBECUE: jessica is my SISTER?!

SILVIA: jessica as in jessica candie?

WASHINGTON: yes why

BARBECUE: _**WE MARRIED EACH OTHER**_

BARBECUE: **_WE HAD SEX TOGETHER_**

BARBECUE: _**WE HAD 24 CHILDREN TOGETHER**_

SILVIA: technically those weren't yours because she wasn't drinking your sperm

BARBECUE: _**ALL THIS TIME IVE NEVER KNOWN EVEN WHEN SHE WAS MY ROOMMATE**_

WASHINGTON: didn't you ever question why she was your roommate in the first place?

WASHINGTON: i put her with you to try and stop her sexual habits

WASHINGTON: clearly it didn't work

SILVIA: holy shit it really is a small world

SILVIA: or a small void

SILVIA: by the way how the hell do we get out of here

WASHINGTON: i know a way

WASHINGTON: follow me

_silvia drags barbecue's sobbing, shocked body as she follows washington through a series of portals to the outside world_

_the credits roll_

BARBECUE: _**I NEED HELP IM BROKEN INSIDE**_


	7. cocaine

_meanwhile (silvia and barbecue are in the portal)_

JESSICA: guys guess what

CHRIS: what

JESSICA: i found barbecues cocaine stash

_cheryl runs into the room and inhales half the bag_

JESSICA: jesus cheryl way to be a whore

CHERYL: how

JESSICA: you're a coke whore

CHERYL: ok jeremy 

JESSICA: im sorry what 

CHERYL: you heard me

_jessica erupts in flames_

JESSICA: LISTEN HERE CEREAL NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOU. IN FACT, YOUR PARENTS GAVE YOU UP TO MY FAMILY BECAUSE YOUR FIRST WORDS WERE "I WANT TO SUCK THE TITTIE."

CHERYL: well

CHERYL: i wanted to suck the tittie

JESSICA: GO CORNER NOW

CHERYL: ok ok you dont have to shout at me

_cheryl goes corner now_

JESSICA: GOOD YOU STUPID CHEESE STICK

CHERYL: why do you all butcher my name

JESSICA: SHUT UP

CHERYL: sorry

CHERYL: but also keep going it's kind of arousing

* * *

_jessica is painting her nails_

JESSICA: i feel the inexplicable need for some dick

_she looks around_

JESSICA: i see a dick

_the camera zooms in on adam_

JESSICA: hey you

ADAM: are you talking to me?

JESSICA: yeah duh

ADAM: but no one talks to me this is the eighth episode and i've only been mentioned once

JESSICA: well

JESSICA: do you have a good dick

ADAM: i

ADAM: i guess?

_jessica sprints over to his lap_

JESSICA: okay let's go

ADAM: where

JESSICA: i don't know

JESSICA: the basement it's really romantic down there

ADAM: i don't-

JESSICA: let's go let's go i'm in need of some dick here

ADAM: i'm actually—

JESSICA: shut the fuck UP let's go

ADAM: bUT IM GAY

_there is silence_

JESSICA: goddammit

ADAM: why dont you sex it up with your husband

JESSICA: what husband

ADAM: barbecue

JESSICA: we divorced after we learned that i had been drinking someone else's sperm

ADAM: you w h a t

JESSICA: yeah he definitely didn't leave me

JESSICA: i left him because im hot and i can do that

ADAM: uh

ADAM: okay

JESSICA: dont you think im hot

ADAM: im gay so no 

JESSICA: well now i see why no one wanted you in this show

ADAM: i don't think it was because im gay

JESSICA: everyone wants to sleep with me im the most interesting person in this show

ADAM: that's not true-

JESSICA: say it again

ADAM: you're not-

_jessica stabs him with a ceramic owl_

ADAM: ow

JESSICA: i am the most interesting person on this show

ADAM: tell me what the reason was that no one wanted me

JESSICA: because you're boring

ADAM: i'm gay

JESSICA: that's not a personality trait

ADAM: look who's talking your only personality trait is sex

JESSICA: at least i liven things up

ADAM: it's because im gay

JESSICA: no we have several beloved lesbians

JESSICA: like charlotte

CHERYL: oh my god that's the closest you've gotten to saying my real name

CHERYL: but im not actually a lesbian

CHERYL: im pansexual homoro-

JESSICA: ok ok you're a combination of fancy words now shh

CHERYL: no those are valid w-

JESSICA: you're either gay or youre sexy

ADAM: are you implying gay people are not sexy

JESSICA: yes

CHERYL: fuck you!

_she slaps jessica_

CHERYL: we gays are the best people!

_she and adam high five_

JESSICA: but

ADAM: you're a homophobe

JESSICA: excuse me i am NOT afraid of homes

ADAM: what

CHERYL: what

JESSICA: isn't that what a homophobe is

ADAM: no

ADAM: what the hell do you think a person against gay people is called

JESSICA: the antigay

CHERYL: hm

ADAM: kinda sounds like the antichrist

CHERYL: no it doesnt

ADAM: you're right

CHERYL: except actually that would make sense because only gay people can go to heaven

ADAM: sure

JESSICA: what no they can't

JESSICA: gay people go to hell that's what my mom said

ADAM: well god starts with g and so does gay

ADAM: and satan starts with s and so does straight

ADAM: so who's really going to hell, karen

JESSICA: i'm not a karen!

CHERYL: yeah her mom is the real karen

JESSICA: don't worry i killed her two years ago

ADAM: oh wow

ADAM: so you're not a homophobe

JESSICA: i told you i am NOT afraid of homes!

CHERYL: ok but do you support gay people

JESSICA: is it hip with the kids these days

CHERYL: ok so clearly not

JESSICA: hEY

ADAM: bye karen

_adam and cheryl both hit her over the head with a wooden stick. she is knocked out_

CHERYL: let's steal her stuff before she wakes up

CHERYL: check her pockets and her purse

_they check her pockets and purse. they find a coin encased in frozen piss, a dried out marker, a stale squished cupcake, an empty bulk pack of 100 condoms, some fingernail clippings, and a doggy bag that has a turd in it_

ADAM: wow

CHERYL: the only thing with any value is this coin encased in frozen piss

CHERYL: oH GOD ITS MELTING

ADAM: THROW IT AWAY

_cheryl throws the coin encased in melting piss at jessica. jessica absorbs it into her skin_

CHERYL: what the fuck

ADAM: ew how will she get that out

CHERYL: that wasn't my question

CHERYL: don't you wonder how she absorbed that thing

ADAM: eh not really

_he picks up the doggy bag and absorbs it into his skin_

CHERYL: holy fucking shit

ADAM: yeah but now my stomach feels weird and i don't know how to get the doggy bag out

CHERYL: oh no are you going to die

ADAM: possibly

CHERYL: oh no

CHERYL: we should get out of here before jessica kills us first though

_suddenly adam spits out white powder_

ADAM: i feel better now

ADAM: wait is that cocaine

CHERYL: holy shit adam you can turn things into cocaine

CHERYL: you're my favorite gay

ADAM: are you just gonna use me for my newfound cocaine power

CHERYL: duh

ADAM: well

ADAM: at least i'm in the show

_adam spits out more cocaine. cheryl snorts it out of the air._

ADAM: that's not disturbing at all

CHERYL: i know

ADAM: i was fucking kidding

CHERYL: i definitely knew that

ADAM: sarcasm, chopstick

CHERYL: i'm not a chopstick

ADAM: you act like one

CHERYL: how

ADAM: for some people they're hard to use

CHERYL: wtf does that even mean

ADAM: honestly i have no idea

_jessica wakes up_

JESSICA: i'm gonna write a book

JESSICA: it's going to be my autobiography

CHERYL: you're like twenty though

JESSICA: yeah i'm the oldest of all of you 

ADAM: you weren't even part of the group

ADAM: you're barbie boy's roommate

JESSICA: did you just call him barbie boy

ADAM: yeah

JESSICA: ew don't be gay

JESSICA: wait is that cocaine i smell

ADAM: i don't think cocaine has a-

JESSICA: shut up i know more than you

ADAM: i don't think you do

JESSICA: what's f plus sex than

ADAM: im sorry what

JESSICA: exactly it's fuck

ADAM: that doesn't even-

JESSICA: shut up where is the cocaine coming from

CHERYL: his—

JESSICA: okay charlie you've talked enough

ADAM: it's coming from my—

JESSICA: shut up adam you dont know shit

JESSICA: where is the cocaine coming from

CHERYL: it—

JESSICA: CHIME OF THE WIND CAN YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?!

ADAM: the—

JESSICA: adam i told you to close your mouth

ADAM: how are we supposed to tell you where the cocaine is coming from

JESSICA: you don't know

ADAM: yes we do it's coming from me

_he spits out cocaine_

JESSICA: holy shit it IS coming from you

JESSICA: can i have some

ADAM: no cocaine is for anti-homophobes

JESSICA: i told you i am _not_ afraid of homes

CHERYL: that's not what that—

JESSICA: cheesehead! can you take a hint? shut the fuck up!

ADAM: i will close my mouth and cut off your supply of cock if you keep talking

JESSICA: i can't tell if that was two threats in one or...

ADAM: i don't know either 

CHERYL: adam shut up she's an antigay

JESSICA: maybe i am

JESSICA: but gays are so mean

JESSICA: look at him, he won't let me have my cocaine

JESSICA: i need it

JESSICA: i have a ghost problem

CHERYL: what

CHERYL: doesn't matter 

CHERYL: i finally have something you want

CHERYL: and you'll do whatever to get it-

_jessica is gone. cheryl peeks out the window to see her buying cocaine from a shady looking guy in the alleyway next to the house._

CHERYL: fuck

ADAM: well

ADAM: want some more cocaine

_his steady stream of cocaine stops._

ADAM: or not

ADAM: i guess i've stopped digesting the dog shit

CHERYL: well 

CHERYL: there's a shit ton of cocaine on the floor already so

CHERYL: i should be okay

CHERYL: for the next few hours

ADAM: i wonder how you're alive sometimes

CHERYL: me too

_adam sits down next to her_

ADAM: you're not all bad

CHERYL: please don't try to kiss me because im fabulous

ADAM: did you forget that im gay

CHERYL: right

CHERYL: yeah

CHERYL: that's right

_cheryl grabs a handful of cocaine and attempts to sniff it out of her hands._

CHERYL: anyways

ADAM: what

CHERYL: i think i might be bisexual

ADAM: oh god

CHERYL: no not for you

CHERYL: you've barely been in this show until right now

ADAM: you're right

CHERYL: i mean, alexi and damian haven't been in this show very much either

ADAM: cuz damian is dead and alexi killed him

CHERYL: yeah

CHERYL: anyways

CHERYL: i think i'm bisexual

CHERYL: which is weird because this whole time i thought i was attracted to only women

ADAM: well

CHERYL: so uh

CHERYL: fun times

ADAM: tell me your gossip ma'am

CHERYL: okay

CHERYL: i think i might like chris

ADAM: like the blond dude

CHERYL: yeah

ADAM: oh god

CHERYL: what

ADAM: yeah he's super into silvia

CHERYL: _what_

ADAM: yeah but silvia is super into you

CHERYL: **what**

ADAM: how the fuck do people even talk in this show

CHERYL: chris likes silvia

CHERYL: of course

CHERYL: she's so perfect

CHERYL: she's only been called siberia a few times and she's probably sleeping with barbecue or something so she can be a major character whose life is perfect

ADAM: that is so not true

ADAM: silvia is a lesbian

CHERYL: exactly 

CHERYL: so she could never be with chris

_cheryl snorts more of the cocaine_

CHERYL: and then he'll be all heartbroken and whatever

CHERYL: and then i'll kiss him and everything will be okay

ADAM: i take back what i said about you being a decent person

_adam gets up and walks away. credits roll_

CHERYL: what if i started a pyramid scheme


	8. siberia 4 prez

_silvia jumps out of the ceiling and lands on barbecue_

SILVIA: im running for office

BARBECUE: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

SILVIA: I DONT KNOW I JUST NEEDED TO TELL SOMEONE AND YOURE THE CLOSEST THING I HAVE TO A FRIEND

BARBECUE: imagine having to say your best friend is a drunk dinosaur named barbecue

SILVIA: shut up you piece of butter

BARBECUE: ok ok

SILVIA: will you be my campaign manager 

BARBECUE: what do you mean I can barely manage my life

SILVIA: yeah okay good point.

SILVIA: but will you i have no one else

_chris skids into the room_

BARBECUE: you've gotta be fucking kidding me

CHRIS: i can help

SILVIA: oh

SILVIA: cool

SILVIA: i don't actually know you that well though

CHRIS: but you've known me since preschool

SILVIA: right

SILVIA: im sorry im just under a lot of stress

CHRIS: well

CHRIS: i don't know what you're doing, but i can help

SILVIA: what if i need help shoving bacon up my a-

CHRIS: maybe not that

SILVIA: exactly you're not up for the task but im 69% sure barbecue would help me with that

BARBECUE: who told you this

BARBECUE: also 

BARBECUE: nice

SILVIA: can yall make some campaign posters im running against trump and i need to beat his orange ass

CHRIS: on it

_chris and barbecue grab posters and markers. within seconds they create a poster for silvia, complete with a drawing of her face_

SILVIA: why the fuck does that say "SILVIA 2020: SHES THE BEST BITCH FOR THE USA"

CHRIS: because you are the best bitch for the usa

SILVIA: well thank you but maybe color it in blue the red doesnt look good

BARBECUE: right on

_he colors over the red with the blue. it makes purple_

BARBECUE: fuck wheres the whiteout

SILVIA: actually that looks cute

CHRIS: okay now we need to hire the other cheerleaders

SILVIA: the what

CHRIS: well im head cheerleader

SILVIA: why

SILVIA: im not being sexist boys can be cheerleaders. 

SILVIA: i just want to know why we need them

CHRIS: because

CHRIS: it will tie your aesthetic together

SILVIA: what, peppy schoolgirl?

SILVIA: peppy schoolgirl for president 2020?

CHRIS: uh

CHRIS: i don't know maybe

SILVIA: uh

SILVIA: okay

_chris laughs nervously_

SILVIA: what the fuck was that

CHRIS: what

SILVIA: i think i heard a banshee

CHRIS: oh

_silvia shrugged and turned away. chris stared after her with longing_

BARBECUE: you can't get in her pants

BARBECUE: if i can't, you definitely can't

CHRIS: im not-

BARBECUE: that's the face of a horny dude

CHRIS: i-

CHRIS: im not you

CHRIS: i just want to get to know her

CHRIS: maybe possibly ask her out

CHRIS: who knows

BARBECUE: okay

_barbecue bends down to chris's dick area_

BARBECUE: mr peen?

CHRIS: dude what the fuck are you doing

BARBECUE: talking to mr peen

CHRIS: i don't have a mr peen

BARBECUE: oh

BARBECUE: then it's the other guy

_chris' dick wearing a crown awakens_

KING PEENSTER: i smell a pretty girl where's the vagina

BARBECUE: sorry dude she's gay

KING PEENSTER: gay for dick

BARBECUE: no she's a lesbian she doesn't like dick

KING PEENSTER: dammit chris stop getting erections for lesbians

CHRIS: sorry she's just damn pretty 

KING PEENSTER: well im not going back to sleep because hey remember the mlp porn you watched earlier

CHRIS: *sweating* uh nO

BARBECUE: you what

KING PEENSTER: yeah rainbow dash put her *bleep* in a *bleep* and it *bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep* until fluttershy *bleep* and-

CHRIS: hAHA OK THATS ENOUGH TALK GO TO SLEEP

_he smashes king peenster with a hammer_

CHRIS: ow my balls

BARBECUE: hm

_he scribbles something on silvia's campaign poster. it now says "SILVIA 2020: SHES THE BEST BITCH FOR THE USA. VOTE FOR SILVIA OR WE'LL SMASH YOUR DICK WITH A HAMMER AND YOULL SCREAM 'OW MY BALLS'_

BARBECUE: perfect

_silvia comes back_

SILVIA: turns out the banshee was just a toilet, what are yall up to

_she looks at the sign_

SILVIA: why

SILVIA: also that's a little sexist

_she writes something else on it in her neat handwriting. it now says "SILVIA 2020. SHES THE BEST BITCH FOR THE USA. VOTE FOR SILVIA OR WE'LL SMASH YOUR DICK WITH A HAMMER AND YOU'LL SCREAM 'OW MY BALLS' OR WE'LL GIVE YOU AN ETERNAL PERIOD."_

CHRIS: damn that's a little harsh

SILVIA: smashing balls with a hammer isn't harsh

CHRIS: no it definitely is

SILVIA: you sound like you're speaking from experience

CHRIS: what if 

CHRIS: i am

CHRIS: because i just smashed in my own balls

SILVIA: you know whats harsh

SILVIA: eternal period

CHRIS: oh come on periods cant be that hard

SILVIA: really

BARBECUE: i have a magic wand how about silvia uses it to give us vaginas

SILVIA: perfect you can experience it for yourself

CHRIS: good

_silvia waves the wand. barbecue and chris are now given vaginas that are obviously censored_

CHRIS: oH GOD

BARBECUE: BLOOD IS FLOWING OUT OF ME AT TOP SPEED

CHRIS: HOW DO I STOP THIS

SILVIA: well you can either wear a small diaper or shove a cotton stick up there

BARBECUE: MAKE IT STOP

CHRIS: _**I HATE MY LIFE**_

BARBECUE: _**WHAT HE SAID**_

SILVIA: no i think i'll leave you to endure this hell while i go run for president

CHRIS: **_DONT LEAVE US HERE YOU STUPID BITCH_**

BARBECUE: **_YOU DID THIS TO US_**

SILVIA: yeah have fun

_she walks away with the campaign posters. a few hours later the tv turns on_

TV ANNOUNCER: we are here to start the presidential election of silvia wigglesworth versus donald trump the votes are flooding in esteemed cowpeople

TV ANNOUNCER: oh my god it looks like silvia has won by a shit ton of votes! 100 to 0

_silvia busts back into the house, this time with a ton of secret service men_

SILVIA: bitches i won

CHRIS: **GOOD FOR YOU**

SILVIA: oh yeah okay you've probably suffered enough

BARBECUE: **YOU THINK?**

SILVIA: welp

_she waves the wand, and their vaginas disappear_

BARBECUE: i will never again say men are strong

CHRIS: me neither we weak in the ways of women

CHRIS: at least childbirth is easy

SILVIA: excuse me

CHRIS: childbirth—

_silvia waves the wand again and chris gets a vagina and starts giving birth_

CHRIS: hOLY **_SHIT_**

CHRIS: ITS LIKE A SAW IS CUTTING DOWN THE LENGTH OF MY BODY FROM THE WAIST DOWN

CHRIS: HOW THE FUCK

SILVIA: say childbirth is easy again, bitch

CHRIS: CHILDBIRTH IS NOT EASY IM SORRY

_silvia waves the wand and his vagina disappears_

CHRIS: oh thank god

BARBECUE: i'm scared now that silvia is president she'll hold too much power with that wand

SILVIA: im creating new views of the world like i promised

BARBECUE: use that wand to make sure no one has a vagina ever again

BARBECUE: unless they want one

SILVIA: okay that sounds fun

CHRIS: yes only give vaginas to people that want vaginas unless they don't want them

SILVIA: everyone will be smooth under there like a ken doll unless they want genitalia

SILVIA: im gonna go announce that to the nation

_she runs out of the room. ten seconds later the tv turns on_

SILVIA: people of the united states, i, your president, silvia wigglesworth, will now permit everyone to have absolutely no genitalia at all unless they want some. i will wave this wand and now you all are smooth like ken dolls down there. if you want genitalia please contact me at the phone number that should be flashing across the screen. you're welcome

_she leaves and runs back into the room with chris and barbecue ten seconds later_

SILVIA: how did the tv thing go

BARBECUE: well they did flash your phone number across the screen but it was so fast and so bright i think it might cause epilepsy

SILVIA: oh fuck

CHRIS: well at least i don't have a dick

CHRIS: wait how am i supposed to jerk off

SILVIA: you can't

SILVIA: part of this plan was to get everyone to experience abstinence

SILVIA: and do it fabulously

BARBECUE: what

SILVIA: fabstinence

BARBECUE: im gonna fucking kill you

SILVIA: hey

_her phone starts buzzing with millions of people trying to call her_

SILVIA: oh holy shit

SILVIA: uh

SILVIA: alright

_silvia throws her phone into a fish tank_

SILVIA: im gonna go cry now

BARBECUE: good 

BARBECUE: suffer

BARBECUE: because of you i can never feel an orgasm again

SILVIA: just take the fucking wand ken doll

_she throws it at him. it lands in his ear_

SILVIA: i need to go to the white house now you can visit me sometimes

SILVIA: just tell the security guards the magic password

SILVIA: "stomp on my balls"

* * *

_barbecue and chris go to visit the white house_

CHRIS: stomp on my balls

_the security guard stomps on his balls and lets them in_

CHRIS: OW

BARBECUE: i guess they were meant to take it literally

_they enter the oval office_

BARBECUE: holy fuck im tripping balls

_the oval office has been painted neon orange and there are balloons floating everywhere. two cherubs are flying around throwing confetti. two robots are fanning silvia (who has cucumbers on her eyes) with leaves as she lounges on the desk_

CHRIS: what have you done silvia

_silvia lifts up a cucumber_

SILVIA: oh you guys finally visited me

CHRIS: yeah i got my dick stomped on

SILVIA: the password wasn't stomp on my dick

BARBECUE: at least you have a dick

SILVIA: anyways, what can i do for you

BARBECUE: find a homosexual who can run the country

BARBECUE: i know you're the first gay and the first woman and the first gay woman to be president, but still

BARBECUE: we all hate you

SILVIA: wait

CHRIS: i don't hate you

SILVIA: do you want cheryl to be president

BARBECUE: actually, you're doing great sweatie

SILVIA: what

SILVIA: did you just call me sweaty

BARBECUE: i don't know

BARBECUE: the more time you spend with jessica, the more you become like her

SILVIA: shit you're right

SILVIA: where is jessica anyways

* * *

_cuts to jessica inside her house, packing a back_

JESSICA: ive made character development right

JESSICA: so maybe i should go to college and then get a job

JESSICA: im sure ariana had a job before

JESSICA: that must be why i can't be like her

_jessica throws a cat inside a bookbag and opens the door to her backyard_

JESSICA: time to go

_roll credits_


	9. college

JESSICA: welp

JESSICA: im off to college so i can get a degree and then get a job

_jessica slowly walks into a target with a small child sized backpack_

BARBECUE: is anyone gonna tell her

SILVIA: just let her go

BARBECUE: did you think i was gonna say anything

_barbecue holds up a speaker that is blasting "i want it that way"_

JESSICA: ew i hate backstreet boys

_barbecue pulls out a glock_

BARBECUE: say that again you motherfucker

JESSICA: i hate the-

_barbecue shoots her in the boob_

JESSICA: oh my god my tittie

BARBECUE: have fun with your heliumless tit

JESSICA: what

BARBECUE: don't women have helium in their boobs

SILVIA: no

SILVIA: why would you think that

BARBECUE: shit i gotta take all the helium out now

SILVIA: what the fuck do you mean by that

_barbecue runs_

SILVIA: nO

JESSICA: I NEED MY TIT BACK!

SILVIA: lets team up and get your tit back

JESSICA: hell yeah

_they chase after barbecue_

BARBECUE: I DONT HAVE YOUR TIT

JESSICA: where'd my other tit go then

BARBECUE: i don't fuckin know maybe it exploded

JESSICA: oh

JESSICA: maybe that was that loud pop

_there is another loud pop_

JESSICA: OH FUCK MY TITTY

SILVIA: HOLY SHIT HER TITTYS OBLITTYRATED

BARBECUE: you mean obliterated 

SILVIA: yes but this time it rhymes

JESSICA: SHUT UP MY TIT HAS EXPLODED THERE ARE CUPCAKES EVERYWHERE

BARBECUE: why were there cupcakes in your tits

JESSICA: sometimes you get hungry during sex and you just unzip your boob and voila 

JESSICA: snack

BARBECUE: wait so that's that crunching sound i heard when we had sex

JESSICA: no those were the cashews

BARBECUE: why

SILVIA: is no one gonna ask why she had zippers in her tits

BARBECUE: well i thought you had them too

SILVIA: no this is not a universal thing

BARBECUE: oh

_jessica pulls out a cashew from her ear and eats it_

BARBECUE: what the

JESSICA: yeah i hide food in different parts of my body to snack on

JESSICA: cashews in my ears, cupcakes in my boobs, white pretzel sticks in my fingers—

SILVIA: i think those might just be bones

JESSICA: no but they have flavor

SILVIA: what the fuck

JESSICA: yeah

JESSICA: want one

SILVIA: no

_jessica pulls out a finger bone and crunches it_

JESSICA: mm

SILVIA: what the fuck

BARBECUE: my eyes

SILVIA: i never want to eat pretzels again

BARBECUE: i never want to eat barbecue ever again

SILVIA: i can't tell if that's a sexual thing or if you're talking about the food

SILVIA: which is equally disturbing

BARBECUE: do you think i eat myself

SILVIA: maybe, you're kinda crazy

BARBECUE: how dare you. it is part of being middle aged

JESSICA: i forgot this show was about being an adult

JESSICA: now its about crazy adventures between us

JESSICA: quick barbecue put in a lesson about being an adult

BARBECUE: uh uh

BARBECUE: "adulthood is not an age but a state of knowledge of something mmmskfrngh"

SILVIA: damn you can't even remember the whole thing

BARBECUE: that's part of adulthood you can't remember shit

SILVIA: oh god when does my memory disappear

SILVIA: what if it's already gone

BARBECUE: questioning is the first step

SILVIA: of what

BARBECUE: see

BARBECUE: you're already questioning

BARBECUE: you're becoming an adult silvia

SILVIA: NOOOOOOOOO

BARBECUE: you came on this show so i could teach you the ways of becoming an adult and now you don't want to

SILVIA: well it's harder than i thought and plus it was all jessica's idea

SILVIA: she just roped a group of random people into it and i happened to be one of them

SILVIA: the only person she picked personally was cheryl because she's her best friend

BARBECUE: where did the rest of you come from

SILVIA: adam and chris and damian were all at the urinals together

SILVIA: that's all i know

SILVIA: i was at the store and she grabbed me by the hair and said "wanna find a fucking dino" and i went "what" and that's the last thing i remember

BARBECUE: i think she hit you with a watermelon

BARBECUE: i remember you having a lot of watermelon in your hair in the pilot episode

SILVIA: i don't

BARBECUE: well you can't see your head

SILVIA: but the audience can

SILVIA: was i a watermelon

SILVIA: what am i even saying

SILVIA: i need to go to sleep

BARBECUE: second step in the adult process

SILVIA: shut up

SILVIA: im gonna go sleep

BARBECUE: you go do that

_silvia conks out right there on the floor_

BARBECUE: third step in the adult process

BARBECUE: what a boss ass bitch

JESSICA: hey youve been ignoring me lately

BARBECUE: why are you talking like we're married

BARBECUE: by the way we haven't addressed this ever since portal part two but we're siblings

JESSICA: yeah i know

JESSICA: incest is a kink of mine

BARBECUE: w h a t

JESSICA: yeah it is

BARBECUE: i'm getting out of here

_he kicks her in the face and runs out but hits a wall_

BARBECUE: fuck

BARBECUE: it's a wall

JESSICA: it's not even a clear wall

BARBECUE: shut up i need glasses

JESSICA: ooh sexy

JESSICA: sexy old man barbecue

BARBECUE: okay bye

JESSICA: get out of this college you crusty old man

BARBECUE: jessica i need to tell you the truth

BARBECUE: this isn't college

BARBECUE: this is a target

BARBECUE: the nearest college is across the street

BARBECUE: they have similar logos

JESSICA: oh fuck bye

* * *

_jessica has arrived at college. she goes to her dorm room_

JESSICA: i hope my roommate also likes ariana grande

JESSICA: but not enough that they want to suck out her soul

JESSICA: that's my job

_the door opens_

JESSICA: wait

JESSICA: alexi is that you

ALEXI: hey girl

JESSICA: you haven't been around for the past seven episodes what the fuck

ALEXI: i had to keep a low profile so i didn't get arrested for murder

ALEXI: i've enrolled at this college under the name lola tittymaster

JESSICA: you had so many possibilities of names

JESSICA: and the best one you could come up with was lola tittymaster

ALEXI: i had to come up with something quick

ALEXI: so just refer to me as lola tittymaster please

JESSICA: shut the fuck up lily tittermeister

ALEXI: well

ALEXI: that's close

_jessica starts to unpack her things_

ALEXI: is that a bag of meth

JESSICA: no

ALEXI: oOoOH METH!

JESSICA: are you singing the [meth song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxAYHOWxGi8)

ALEXI: i dont sleep

ALEXI: i dont eat

ALEXI: but i got the cleanest house on the stREET!

ALEXI: oOoOH METH!

JESSICA: why are you my roommate of all people

_there is a knock on the door. jessica looks through the peephole_

JESSICA: alexi do you know a man and a woman dressed as squash

ALEXI: oh those are the gourd witnesses

JESSICA: the what

ALEXI: they're like the jehovah witnesses except they believe in the gourd

JESSICA: should i open the door

ALEXI: fuck no they'll beat me to death i killed their leader

JESSICA: wHAT

JESSICA: i'm rooming with a murderer

ALEXI: it was an accident

_there are shouts and loud bangs outside the door_

MAN: ᘺᘿ ᖽᐸᘉᓍᘺ ᗩᒪᘿ᙭ᓰ ᓰS ᓰᘉ ᖶᕼᘿᖇᘿ ᗩᘉᕲ ᘺᘿ ᘺᓰᒪᒪ ᗩᐺᘿᘉᘜᘿ ᓍᑘᖇ ᒪᘿᗩᕲᘿᖇ'S ᕲᘿᗩᖶᕼ ᖻᓍᑘ ᘻᓍᖶᕼᘿᖇᖴᑘᑢᖽᐸᘿᖇ

JESSICA: what are they saying

ALEXI: i dont know i dont speak gourdish since im not part of the religion

_the door breaks down_

ALEXI: oH FUCK

_she hops out the window and starts running away_

JESSICA: hEY!

_she tries to follow alexi but is pulled back by the man and woman wearing squash costumes_

WOMAN: not so fast motherfucker

JESSICA: you dont understand im not associated with her im just here to be like ariana grande

MAN: nice try we know what you're hiding

JESSICA: my 24k dildo?

MAN: what

WOMAN: what

MAN: no a brick with a sandwich around it

MAN: to throw at the gourd witnesses

JESSICA: wait

JESSICA: does your leader happen to be named damian?

WOMAN: yes how did you know

JESSICA: alexi killed him in the pilot episode

_flashback_

ALEXI: GUYS I FOUND SANDWICHES ON THE COUNTER OF THE HARDWARE STORE HERE TAKE ONE

_she throws one at damian. it knocks him out. there was a brick inside of it_

SILVIA: holy shit i think you killed him

ALEXI, panicking: oh my god i kILLED HIM I CANT HAVE THIS ON MY CRIMINAL RECORD 

CHRIS: well you'd better run there are police falling from the sky they're gonna arrest you

_alexi drops the sandwiches. they make a loud clunk as they hit the floor. she runs away at a very slow speed_

_flashback ends_

JESSICA: yeah he died

WOMAN: we know that dipshit we need to avenge his death

JESSICA: well she's getting away so you should chase her

JESSICA: i have to go to class

_she grabs her back and walks out_

JESSICA: lets see 

JESSICA: which class is the most ariana grande like

_she sees three doors labeled "history" "finance" and "musical arts"_

JESSICA: probably finance she's rich as fuck

_she enters the finance classroom and sits down next to the rest of the students._ _a person in a giant chicken suit enters_

CHICKEN: hello welcome to finance today i'll be teaching you about finance

CHICKEN: i assume that you signed up for this class beforehand so please take out your finance materials

JESSICA: my what

_she looks around. everyone else has pulled out fat stacks of money, some scales, and a computer_

JESSICA: oh fuck

JESSICA: whats in my bag maybe i can have things that look like that and the teacher wont notice

_she pulls out a box of 100 condoms, a rat corpse, and a HuaWei phone_

CHICKEN: now please take 100 dollars and put them on your scale

_jessica puts a condom on the rat corpse_

CHICKEN: young lady what the hell are you doing

JESSICA: im taking 100 dollars and putting them on a scale

CHICKEN: that is a condom and a rat corpse did you even get the materials for this class

JESSICA: uh no

_the gourd witnesses burst in_

MAN: ITS HER THERE SHE IS

CHICKEN: OH FUCK

_the chicken takes off its head to reveal alexi once again. she opens the window and hops out and runs_

_the credits roll_

JESSICA: am i like ariana grande yet


	10. stealing ariana's soul part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> congrats, the script writers have fake names in this chapter but they still appear

_the script writer cat opens up her computer, ready to work on stealing ariana's soul part two. she and rue have typed up a good portion of the chapter already, bUT_

CAT: wait where's the chapter

CAT: RUE WHERE IS IT WHERE DID IT GO

CAT: **_IM PANIK_**

CAT: **_R U E_**

_rue gets online_

RUE: **_i dont fuckin know_**

CAT: **_well maybe we should start writing a new chapter_**

_she begins to type_

JESSICA: i found ariana grande's location, chimble wimble

CHERYL: really? where is she? we must suck out her soul

_jessica opens up google maps_

JESSICA: she's at the starbucks downtown

CHERYL: well what are we waiting for let's get off our asses!

_the two of them run to the starbucks downtown. sure enough, ariana grande is there drinking coffee_

ARIANA: well well well

ARIANA: you've come for me

ARIANA: did you expect...

ARIANA: my spider leg

_ariana pulls up the leg of her dress, and it is revealed she has the legs of a spider_

CHERYL: what the fuck

ARIANA: hee hee

CHERYL: oh god bat michael jackson is that you

ARIANA: no i clearly have the legs of a spider dipshit

JESSICA: *gasp* michael batson

ARIANA: NO! i'm ariana grande

CHERYL: come on jessica let's go i think we've got the wrong celebrity

ARIANA: no i'm the real ariana fight me bitches

JESSICA: prove it

_ariana stomps on the ground and suddenly high pitched noises come from her ears_

CHERYL: holy shit it _is_ the real ariana grande

_jessica pulls out a small bottle_

JESSICA: time to begin the soul sucking

ARIANA: haha you'll have to fight me and win first

CHERYL: bring it on bitch

_ariana lightly kicks her in the toe and cheryl doubles over_

CHERYL: hOLY SHIT OW

JESSICA: weak she barely even hit you

_jessica punches ariana in the ear_

ARIANA: you think an ear punch will stop me, fool

_she rises up into the air and gains demon wings. her eyes glow and she suddenly is set on fire_

ARIANA: _**I AM SATAN**_

CHERYL: oh my god ariana grande is satan

JESSICA: she can't beat these wrinkly titties

_jessica rips off her skin mask. it is revealed she is the old woman from the portal_

JESSICA: i am ancient. i was born in the 80s

CHERYL: but by that definition you're only in your 30s

JESSICA: shut up cheek comma ass

CHERYL: did you—

JESSICA: yes i did put in hair extensions, thank you for asking

CHERYL: i didn't a—

JESSICA: now im gonna fight this bitch so we can steal her soul

JESSICA: and by we i mean me

_jessica zips up her skin mask again, now looking like she did before. she runs at ariana grande_

JESSICA: TIME TO DIE, ARIANA

_ariana pushes her_

ARIANA: **_weak mortal_**

ARIANA: _**many have tried to kill me and steal my soul**_

ARIANA: _**but all have failed**_

ARIANA: _**have you ever heard the tragedy of darth plageuis the wise**_

JESSICA: let me guess it's not a story the jedi would tell you

ARIANA: _**what no**_

ARIANA: _**he tried to steal my soul but i killed him**_

JESSICA: oh

CHERYL: did anyone come _close_ to stealing your soul?

ARIANA: **_one time_**

ARIANA: _**this girl in the 1500s found my weak spot and hit me there and i nearly died**_

ARIANA: _**but then her family decided to burn me because they thought i was a witch and the flames healed me**_

JESSICA: hold on a sec

_she and cheryl go into a huddle_

JESSICA: where do you think her weak spot is

CHERYL: her neck

JESSICA: why her neck

CHERYL: it's where her vocal chords are and she's a singer

CHERYL: if we hit her hard in the neck then maybe she'll die

CHERYL: just dont get her near fire

JESSICA: hm its not a bad idea

JESSICA: whats our backup plan if it's not her neck

CHERYL: the nose or the titty

JESSICA: what

CHERYL: if you punch someone in the nose in some special way then they die

CHERYL: the titty just hurts yknow

JESSICA: whats the special way

CHERYL: dont remember

_jessica punches cheryl in the titty_

CHERYL: ow what the fuck was that for

JESSICA: just testing something

CHERYL: testing what

JESSICA: my titty punching skills

ARIANA: _**are you two done yet i wanna beat your asses**_

JESSICA: hold on argleplingle

ARIANA: **_that's not my_ _—_**

JESSICA: shut UP

CHERYL: do you just say everyones names wrong

JESSICA: no only the people i hate

CHERYL: do you hate me

JESSICA: to an extent

CHERYL: but we're best friends

JESSICA: i only became friends with you to get popular in middle school

JESSICA: then i became more popular than you

JESSICA: but you stayed my friend because you wanted clout and you also wanted to try and best me

JESSICA: but you cant best me because i'm jessica

CHERYL: that is _not_ what happened

CHERYL: i met you when you nearly drowned at the aquarium

JESSICA: no, no that's not what happened chimpanzee so shut your mouth

CHERYL: but—

JESSICA: no

ARIANA: _**come on finish your convo i wanna fight i havent fought in years**_

JESSICA: sHut up we're having deep convos

_ariana smashes a telephone book against her_

ARIANA: **_STREET SMARTS_**

CHERYL: oh my god jj bittenbinder

ARIANA: _**no im ariana grande**_

CHERYL: now she's thrown us off our rhythm

JESSICA: we aren't pedophiles chicken wing

CHERYL: you support incest

JESSICA: for myself, yes, but not for anyone else

CHERYL: you're a nasty fuck

_jessica throws an engraved money clip at ariana grande_

JESSICA: STREET SMARTS

ARIANA: **_haha i went to that assembly too_**

JESSICA: damn it she knows all the tricks

CHERYL: call for the writers

JESSICA: who

CHERYL: the writers. we're almost at the end of the season, so im sure one of them would give you whatever you want

JESSICA: uh

JESSICA: who are the writers?

CHERYL: cat and rue

JESSICA: how do i do it

CHERYL: just ask them

JESSICA: hey writers

_a leech leeches out of the ground_

LEECH RUE: hello i am leech rue

JESSICA: can you help me defeat ariana grande so i can suck out her soul and become her

LEECH RUE: sorry i am a leech

_the leech leeches back into the ground_

CHERYL: fuck

CHERYL: get cat

_a bat bats out of the ground_

BAT CAT: hi its bat cat in the house

JESSICA: oh my god i hate her

CHERYL: bat cat can you help us—

JESSICA: she means me

CHERYL: help us defeat ariana grande so we can suck out her soul please

BAT CAT: sorry i am a bat

_the bat bats back into the ground_

JESSICA: well that was fucking useless great job chupacabra

CHERYL: what did you just call me

ARIANA: _**she called you a chupacabra**_

CHERYL: what's that

ARIANA: _**its an animal that sucks blood**_

CHERYL: a vampire baby?

ARIANA: _**no, it's**_ ** _—_**

CHERYL: vAMPIRE BABY!!!!

CHERYL: EDWARD CULLEN

JESSICA: i forgot you're still in your twilight phase

ARIANA: _**what the hell shouldnt that have ended in like 2008 or 9**_

JESSICA: no she read it and never left it

JESSICA: i knew it was a bad idea to buy her the first book

CHERYL: edward is bae

JESSICA: i will stab you

ARIANA: _**yeah i kinda wanna kill her shes getting on my nerves**_

JESSICA: please do

_the ground rumbles and a fly cracks out of the ground_

FLY: hi im rue and you cant kill her

RUE: we already wrote her in the next episode 

ARIANA: but shes so annoying 

RUE: so are you

ARIANA: what

RUE: everyone in this goddamn show annoys me 

RUE: except fish rue

RUE: is that in this show

_rue pulls out a script_

RUE: wait 

RUE: fuck the French gang is back i gotta go

RUE: but don't kill her

_the fly evaporates_

JESSICA: well fuck

ARIANA: i might still kill her

JESSICA: but then the writer will kill you

ARIANA: i don't have anything to lose

_ariana pulls out a rock and throws it at cheryl. she dies_. _suddenly the sun has a face. it's rue's face_

RUE: ariana what the fuck

RUE: well now you'll have to die

_she zaps ariana and her soul floats into rue's hand_

RUE: i'll give this to cheryl, it will bring her to life

JESSICA: wAIT NO I NEED THAT

_rue sends sunbeams down to cheryl and ariana's soul floats into her body. rue disappears. cheryl stands up_

CHERYL: what just happened

JESSICA: YOU STOLE ARIANA'S SOUL FROM ME

CHERYL: who's ariana

CHERYL: who are you

JESSICA: oh my god don't tell me you lost your memory

CHERYL: i think i did who are you

JESSICA: i'm your best friend and you promised me that you'd give me the soul of a very famous singer so i could be just like her

CHERYL: but why can't i have it

JESSICA: because i'm more important

JESSICA: obviously

JESSICA: also i'm not going to die if i have her soul

CHERYL: i'm sorry what

CHERYL: no way im keeping this i want to be immortal

JESSICA: n O

JESSICA: fUCK WHYD I TELL YOU THAT

CHERYL: you're obviously an idiot

JESSICA: take it back

CHERYL: bitch who do you think you're talking to

CHERYL: im a pop star now

JESSICA: how do you know you're a pop star

CHERYL: my memories are slowly coming back

CHERYL: now i have two things you've always wanted

CHERYL: ariana's soul, and an endless stream of cocaine

JESSICA: you can't do this

CHERYL: but i can

_cheryl flipped her hair in jessica's face_

CHERYL: bye hoe

_jessica looks up at her, growling._

JESSICA: oh no you didn't

_jessica runs at cheryl, tackling her to the ground_

CHERYL: no i just got a manicure

JESSICA: how? you literally just started walking away from me

CHERYL: well obviously not at this very moment dumbass

_jessica smacked cheryl_

CHERYL: wait that's slightly hot

JESSICA: god you are a horrible lesbian

CHERYL: actually, im bi

JESSICA: oh god get away

JESSICA: i don't want to catch your half gayness

CHERYL: im not

CHERYL: im not half gay

CHERYL: actually i think i like guys more

JESSICA: now is not the time to have a midlife crisis

CHERYL: im only 23

JESSICA: wait really

CHERYL: yes how old did you think i was

JESSICA: like 48

CHERYL: what the fuck

CHERYL: do i look like my titties are clay

_silvia pops into the room_

SILVIA: is that a thing that actually happens

CHERYL: it happened to my mom

CHERYL: but then she got trapped in a portal and i don't know what happened to her after that

_silvia cringes and walks away_

CHERYL: that girl is so odd

JESSICA: i know 

JESSICA: like she just always pops her head everywhere

CHERYL: what

JESSICA: nevermind

CHERYL: no i'd like to know what you mean

_jessica slaps her again, and ariana's soul floats out of her body_

_cheryl is dead again_

_jessica tries to grab ariana's soul, but it flies into the sun and explodes. suddenly, rue's face is back in the sun_

RUE: fucking hell jessica

RUE: now who's soul do i give to her

RUE: i'd kill you but we already wrote you into the next chapter

RUE: also i want to give you character development

JESSICA: you wouldn't

RUE: i would

RUE: but first im going to go kill someone off so i can bring cheryl back to life

_rue disappears for a second, then comes back holding a soul_

_she stuffs it into cheryl's body, and cheryl wakes up again._

CHERYL: oH GOD

RUE: enjoy

RUE: you have michael batson's soul inside you

CHERYL: what

_credits roll_

RUE: anyways now i gotta tell cat i killed off her favorite character

CHERYL: does this make me her favorite character

RUE: no

RUE: you nev

_rue's voice cuts off as the camera fades to black_


	11. sudden dick loss (season finale)

_the entire squad is at barbecue's house: barbecue, jessica, cheryl, silvia, jimothy, adam, and chris. we tried calling alexi but i think she smashed her phone after the events of "college". she'll be back in season two_

BARBECUE: guys

BARBECUE: where is my dick

SILVIA: i thought you told your dad that you didn't have one because you're onscreen half the time and you can't have your dick hanging out

BARBECUE: no not that kind of dick

BARBECUE: my boyfriend richard has gone missing

JESSICA: you have a boyfriend?

BARBECUE: yes we started dating two years ago

JESSICA: _**two years ago?**_

BARBECUE: yeah

CHRIS: how do you know he's gone missing

BARBECUE: we were supposed to meet up last saturday on a date but he didnt come

ADAM: i think he stood you up

BARBECUE: no he was obviously kidnapped by someone

BARBECUE: what do you think of this missing poster

_he shows them[this](https://i.postimg.cc/66jBHGg1/Screen-Shot-2020-07-03-at-12-51-25-PM.png)_

CHERYL: the picture is just the duck with a knife meme

BARBECUE: yeah that meme is based off of him

CHRIS: is

CHRIS: is he a duck

BARBECUE:

BARBECUE: there's a chance

CHRIS: i

CHRIS: what

CHERYL: your boyfriend is a duck?

BARBECUE: yes

JESSICA: that's not healthy

ADAM: of course it is

SILVIA: what the fuck is wrong with you adam

ADAM: im not sure

ADAM: a lot has happened in my life

JIMOTHY: yeah like once adam swallowed a crunchy taco and shat out a glue stick

ADAM: how do you know that

JIMOTHY: i was watching from a tree

JIMOTHY: mr peen told me to

BARBECUE: can you PLEASE help me find my boyfriend

SILVIA: well he's a duck right

SILVIA: maybe he went to the lake to swim with the other ducks

BARBECUE: silvia i'm so glad you have common sense

_the group goes to a nearby lake where there are many ducks_

BARBECUE: rICHARDDDDDD?

_there is no answer_

BARBECUE: fuck

JESSICA: maybe he's underwater

JESSICA: let's try swimming 

BARBECUE: that's not a bad idea

_silvia puts on a wet suit while shaking her head_

SILVIA: that's a horrible idea 

_jessica throws wet suits at everyone_

JESSICA: time to sweem bitches

_they all dive underwater but come back up after like two seconds_

CHRIS: we can't breathe underwater how are we supposed to find this fucking duck

CHERYL: you mean this ducking fuck

CHRIS: shut up

JESSICA: i have a solution

_she pulls out scuba gear from somewhere_

JESSICA: put these on

_silvia puts on the scuba gear while shaking her head_

SILVIA: this is a horrible idea

_they all dive down. also somehow theyre able to talk even though they shouldnt be able to_

JIMOTHY: i see a yellow furry thing stuck in the rocks maybe thats him

BARBECUE: oh my god dick we're coming to rescue you babe

SILVIA: if he's been stuck here since last saturday i think he should be dead he would have drowned by now

JIMOTHY: shut up

JIMOTHY: adam help me

_adam kicks him in the balls_

MR PEEN: what the fuck dude

ADAM: im not helping you

JIMOTHY: fine silvia help me

_together jimothy and silvia lift the rock off the yellow furry thing_

SILVIA: what the hell this is just a yellow feather boa

JIMOTHY: i got kicked in the balls for nothing

JIMOTHY: i think mr peen is dead

JIMOTHY: he needs cpr

SILVIA: ew is that your way of saying you want someone to blow you

JIMOTHY: no but thats a good idea

SILVIA: wait you seriously think your dick needs cpr

SILVIA: it's still not alive

JIMOTHY: youve heard him talk

SILVIA: I've accepted that I'm probably either hallucinating or on drugs

JIMOTHY: that's fair

_jimothy around, and stares off into the distance._

JIMOTHY: anyways barbecue none of us know where your dick is

BARBECUE: look harder dumbass

BARBECUE: the episode has barely started

JIMOTHY: i don't wanna look

JIMOTHY: im bored

JIMOTHY: it's time for sandwich lunch

BARBECUE: what the fuck 

BARBECUE: haven't you all learned that sandwich lunch is not a good idea

_flashback to the last sandwich lunch. damian gets fucking destroyed by a brick, and alexi runs from the sky police._

JIMOTHY: well

JIMOTHY: we'll get regular sandwich

BARBECUE: but what about richard

JIMOTHY: it will be easier to find him when we're not hungry

JESSICA: pleeease barbecutie i'm hungry we all are

BARBECUE: did you just call me barbecutie

JESSICA: yeah so what if i did

CHERYL: can we like

CHERYL: go

CHERYL: to get the sandwiches

BARBECUE: fine but only if we get to find richard after

_they go to a normal sandwich shop and order normal sandwiches. they sit at a normal table_

SILVIA: wait barbecue is that richard

BARBECUE: w h a t

_silvia points at a table nearby where a fluffy yellow duck with a knife is on a date with a woman_

BARBECUE: r I C H A R D

_he tries to stand up but adam shoves a sandwich in his mouth and pushes him down_

ADAM: eat your fucking sandwich first you asshat

CHRIS: whos the woman he's with

BARBECUE: that's my sister itchy

CHRIS: oh wow

SILVIA: what is this a soap opera

JESSICA: shut up serbia soap operas have soaps in them

SILVIA: no they don't

JESSICA: then why is that the name

SILVIA: because—

_cheryl shoves a sandwich in their mouths_

CHERYL: both of you shut up

BARBECUE: that's it im going over to confront richard for cheating on me with itchy

JIMOTHY: dude no i told y—

BARBECUE: i dont give a shit about my hunger

_everyone tries to stop him but he pushes a table over and runs over to richard_

BARBECUE: RICHARD WHAT THE FUCK WHY ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME WITH MY SISTER

ITCHY: barbie?

BARBECUE: heya itch

BARBECUE: wait im mad

SILVIA: _barbie?_

BARBECUE: you have some explaining to do, richard

_richard sips his tea_

RICHARD: i go by dick now, babe

BARBECUE: do i look like i give a shit

DICK: maybe, im not sure

BARBECUE: how could you

DICK: i was never in love with you, barbs

DICK: i was only in it for the clout

SILVIA: _barbs?_

JESSICA: _clout?_

CHERYL: what clout do you gain from dating this middle-aged purple dino that does coke

DICK: he's quite famous in our circle of friends

DICK: i figured that if i dated him i'd be more popular than him

BARBECUE: but dick i loved you

DICK: well i didn't

ADAM: ooooh

CHRIS: damn bitch you got owned

JIMOTHY: that wasn't even a roast what are you talking about

BARBECUE: but you called me babe

DICK: babe is a non-loving term for me

DICK: i call my significant others "darling" now

BARBECUE: but babe

DICK: don't call me babe it offends me

_he makes out with itchy_

BARBECUE: dICK WHY

ITCHY: isn't it obvious barbs

ITCHY: he likes me best

ITCHY: maybe because i'm a human and not a dinosaur freak like you

_barbecue starts to cry and runs out of the restaurant_

SILVIA: why do i want to punch her

JIMOTHY: i dunno. maybe it's because even though barbecue sucks ass, we feel a strong emotional connection to him and therefore feel obligated to kick ass of anyone who calls him a freak

JESSICA: or yknow you just want to punch someone

JIMOTHY: maybe that too yeah

CHERYL: not if i punch her first

_she goes to punch itchy but itchy stabs her with her steak knife in the heart_

JESSICA: oH MY GOD

JESSICA: CHERYL!

_she runs to cheryl who has fallen to the ground, nearly dead_

JESSICA: chERYL NO YOU CANT DIE

CHERYL: im sorry jessica

CHERYL: for taking ariana's soul

CHERYL: you will always be the best ariana

JESSICA: _**CHERYL!**_

_cheryl dies. jessica starts sobbing while holding cheryl's dead body. everyone else just stares_. _silvia awkwardly pats jessica's shoulder_

SILVIA: itchy did you kill her for real or is she faking

ITCHY: yeah there's no coming back from this one

SILVIA: oh my god cHERYL I NEVER GOT TO TELL YOU I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU

_silvia starts crying too. so does jimothy_

JIMOTHY: this isn't fair! why can't the writers bring her back

ADAM: if the writers could they would've brought her back by now and you know it

ADAM: this was meant to be

ADAM: this is how the story is supposed to go

JIMOTHY: but cheryl

ADAM: it's just the way of the world, jimothy

JIMOTHY: but she was mr peen's true friend

_sobbing sounds can be heard from jimothy's pants_

JIMOTHY: she meant a lot to him

ADAM: she meant something to all of us

ADAM: except maybe chris

ADAM: chris has no emotional connection with her

_the two of them look at chris, who is eating some of itchy's french fries_

JIMOTHY: still

_it is very somber until barbecue bursts back in_

BARBECUE: wow you are all shitty friends you didn't even chase after me to tell me i'm not a dinosaur freak

BARBECUE: and why are you all crying

ADAM: shut up bro! cheryl just died for real!

BARBECUE: wait what

_he looks at jessica and silvia, sobbing over cheryl's dead body_

BARBECUE: oh

BARBECUE: oh damn

_barbecue ran over, holding cheryl's neck_

BARBECUE: i

BARBECUE: damnit now i have to dig a grave

_cut to thirty minutes later, the grave has been dug_

BARBECUE: now we're gonna say some shit about cheryl

BARBECUE: uh

BARBECUE: i'll go first

BARBECUE: now i never had sexual thoughts about her

BARBECUE: but she was like a little sister to me

BARBECUE: and it's only fitting that one of my actual little sisters killed her

BARBECUE: okay next

JESSICA: okay

JESSICA: so 

JESSICA: she stole the soul of ariana grande from me

JESSICA: but other than that, she was a good friend

JESSICA: i was a shit friend

_tears roll down her face_

BARBECUE: okay im gonna lose my adrenaline, so im covering her up now

_barbecue threw some dirt on her grave, and then kicked some more onto her so she was covered all the way_

BARBECUE: goodbye cheryl

EVERYONE: rest in peace

_it fades to black_

_credits roll_


	12. halloween

JESSICA: boy oh boy it is halloween

JESSICA: i wanna be something badass

_she looks at the costumes at the costume store_

JESSICA: hm ok the male costumes... "doctor" "pilot" "presidential figure with an unspecified name but an orange face"

JESSICA: the female costumes... "SEXY doctor" "SEXY pilot" "SEXY presidential figure with an unspecified name but an orange face"

JESSICA: come on what if i don't want to be sexy

_silvia appears from another row of costumes_

SILVIA: that's odd for you but okay

JESSICA: what are you doing here

SILVIA: you idiot you invited the entire barbecrew to go halloween costume shopping with you don't you remember

JESSICA: sorry my memory was ruined by looking at "SEXY presidential figure with an unspecified name but an orange face"

_barbecue appears_

BARBECUE: none of these fit me because i'm a dinosaur, can i go home

JESSICA: no we're all leaving together

JESSICA: go put on a bedsheet or something and be a ghost

BARBECUE: the bedsheets only cover one arm

JESSICA: then be a waiter

BARBECUE: okay

JESSICA: fabulous

BARBECUE: i havent even put it on yet

JESSICA: well i know it will be fabulous

JESSICA: listen to me i know about fashion

BARBECUE: im still not convinced you do 

BARBECUE: you just told me to be a waiter

BARBECUE: what dinosaur is a waiter

JESSICA: you

BARBECUE: im gonna look stupid

* * *

_barbecue is dressed as a waiter_

BARBECUE: see this looks stupid

JESSICA: yeah

JESSICA: but that's whatever i don't really care about your costume i just care about mine

_jessica is dressed as "a sexy instagram influencer". she turns and calls out to everyone else, who is offscreen_

JESSICA: alright everyone come out and show barbecue your costumes

_out walks silvia, dressed as a witch_

_then jimothy, dressed as a rat_

_alexi, dressed as a zombie_

_chris as a zombie football player_

_adam as a stereotypical nerd_

BARBECUE: did jessica pick these out

EVERYONE: yes

BARBECUE: well that explains it

CHRIS: why am i just the straight sexy male version of alexi

ALEXI: what are you trying to say

ALEXI: am i not sexy

JESSICA: you dont have a gender you cant be sexy

ALEXI: what that logic doesn't make sense

ALEXI: also genderfluid people flow BETWEEN genders-

JESSICA: shut up alexi it's halloween no one wants to hear your political opinions

ALEXI: they aren't opinions they're facts-

ADAM: i feel like jessica is just a massive lgbtq+phobe is that just me

_everyone nods except jessica_

JESSICA: i am not a massive leg bee tea queue phobe

ADAM: i'm

ADAM: i'm sorry a what

JESSICA: isn't that what the community is called

ADAM: no

CHRIS: leg bee tea queue i'm SCREAMING

SILVIA: you're not screaming though

_chris lets out an earsplitting scream_

SILVIA: please never do that again

CHRIS: sorry my queen

SILVIA: sorry what

CHRIS: i dunno im trying out nicknames

JESSICA: so what do young adults do on halloween

ALEXI: well we cant trick or treat

JIMOTHY: why not

ALEXI: most of us are like 21 we'll look like pedos

JIMOTHY: oh

JIMOTHY: will i im 16

ALEXI: wait really

JIMOTHY: i think so

JIMOTHY: it has been 16 years since i came out of a vagina

ALEXI: i'll take your word for it

JIMOTHY: good

JIMOTHY: can you guys take me trick or treating i still look like a baby so i can get free candy and you can be my group of badass adults that will fight off any muggers

BARBECUE: i didn't realize we were badass but ok

_jimothy smiles_

JIMOTHY: yayyyyy

* * *

_the gang is taking jimothy trick or treating, acting as his badass adult protection posse_

JESSICA: i spy a creep on the corner of 69 rat street

SILVIA: is that even a street

JESSICA: well now it is

JESSICA: look

_she points across the road where a man with binoculars is watching them creepily_

JIMOTHY: who the hell is that

CHRIS: everyone surround jimothy we need to protect him from creeps

_the adults surround jimothy. barbecue stands in the back so he can easily swing at anyone sneaking up on them_

BARBECUE: was it important to add a detail about only me

ADAM: probably

ADAM: hey where did the creep go

_the creep is gone_

ALEXI: could be sneaking up on us

ALEXI: be ready

_they stop walking. jimothy runs straight into silvia, who was walking in front of him_

JIMOTHY: ow my delicate forehead bones

SILVIA: your what

_mr peen pops out_

MR PEEN: ouch bro your forehead bones

_silvia stares_

JIMOTHY: could you please not

SILVIA: did you dress your dick up for halloween?!?!?!?!

JIMOTHY: no

JIMOTHY: he dressed himself

SILVIA: how he doesn't have hands

JIMOTHY: to your knowledge

SILVIA: 

SILVIA: im out

_silvia runs away into the darkness_

JESSICA: get back here you bitch we need your martial arts skills

ALEXI: bro we don't need those we have bricks and your long ass nails

JESSICA: but

ALEXI: no

BARBECUE: i mean

ALEXI: no we don't need her

BARBECUE: you should probably stop assaulting people with bricks

ALEXI: that happened once it isn't a pattern

BARBECUE: you literally just said you were going to use a brick as a weapon

ALEXI: i didn't say that specifically youre paraphrasing

CHRIS: well maybe instead

CHRIS: use this football to beat them over the head

_he hands them a football_

CHRIS: it came with my costume

CHRIS: it's made of styrofoam

ALEXI: hm

_alexi suddenly pummels chris to the ground and hits him with the football a few times. he is knocked out_

JIMOTHY: jesus fuck alexi what was that for????

ALEXI: i was testing the football

ALEXI: doesn't work

JIMOTHY: YOU LITERALLY KNOCKED HIM OUT

ADAM: no wait i think i saw his eyes o-

_alexi hits chris again_

ADAM: nope he's definitely unconscious now

ADAM: maybe he is dead

ALEXI: oh 

_she turns to adam_

ALEXI: who are you again

ADAM: you know what im giving up on life

ALEXI: okay cool

ALEXI: bye random dude

ADAM: i have been on this show for longer than you

ALEXI: oh really i didnt realize

ADAM:

_adams head explodes_

ALEXI: not again

JESSICA: has this happened before????

ALEXI: it did when we were kids

ALEXI: we've been friends since childhood

ADAM: i literally met you like a few months ago

ALEXI: we've been friends since childhood :) 

JESSICA: how did you make emoticons verbally

BARBECUE: what do you mean you use emojis verbally

JESSICA: that's different

_barbecue is confused_

BARBECUE: huh

JESSICA: just go with it 

ADAM: well true thats how i havent died of too much interaction with stupidity yet

ADAM: anyways is chris ok or is he dead

ALEXI: eh 

ALEXI: he'll be fine

ALEXI: i think

ALEXI: actually im not sure i think hes bleeding

ALEXI: fuck he might be dead

ADAM: goddamnit alexi why do you keep coming on this show im vaguely sure you werent even invited back for the second season

ALEXI: well haha jokes on you tomorrow is the second season premiere so technically this isnt the second season

ALEXI: and i was

ALEXI: i got my invitation yesterday

_alexi pulls out a piece of paper that says **ALEXI LOVELACE, you are invited to star** **to the second season of BARBECUE THE PRIORITIES DINOSAUR please pay us 8 million dollars to make up for the stuff you broke and the person you murdered and the lack of your appearance in the last season**_

ALEXI: see

ADAM: hm

BARBECUE: guys we have a problem

JESSICA: what

BARBECUE: jimothy was kidnapped

_everyone looks around and sees the strange man from before running off while carrying a sleeping jimothy_

JESSICA: fUCK

JESSICA: HOW DID THAT HAPPEN

JESSICA: WE WERE ALL WATCHING HIM

BARBECUE: not closely enough

BARBECUE: we were worried about chris

ADAM: correction: _i_ was worried about chris

ADAM: the rest of you are selfish bitches

JESSICA: so you are saying that with jimothy kidnapped and chris on the floor possibly dead there are only four of us now

ADAM: if my math is correct, it is you, me, barbecue, and alexi left

JESSICA: well i guess we will have to drag chris with us when we save jimothy

ALEXI: who said we were saving jimothy

JESSICA: me and i'm the oldest here i'm the boss

BARBECUE: actually i'm the oldest here, i was born in 1600 remember

_beat_

JESSICA: well

JESSICA: whatever

JESSICA: let's just go find him

* * *

_the group has followed the man that kidnapped jimothy by using a black light to highlight the man's footsteps because he had luckily stepped in some piss and left a trail of footprints. they are led to a house with a ton of halloween inflatables. chris is being carried over barbecue's shoulder, still asleep and/or dead_

JESSICA: let's go in bitches

ALEXI: this looks very not good

ADAM: these inflatables look stupid

BARBECUE: i just wanted to get drunk and eat candy i didn't want to do this shit 

_silvia runs back into the scene_

SILVIA: dont mix snickers with vodka it tastes disgusting

ADAM: why would anyone do that

SILVIA:

_silvia runs away crying_

ADAM: the fuck

_3 weeks ago_

_silvia sits in her house crying and holding eight bottles of tequila, three burritos, and a hotdog_

SILVIA: i dont know

SILVIA: sadness

ADAM: imagine being that sad

SILVIA: haha i could never

_flashback to 3 weeks ago, where silvia is walking down the street_

_she sees a billboard for barbecue the priorities dinosaur season two and it doesnt have cheryl in it and she sobs_

_people in the street stare at her_

SILVIA: especially over one person

ADAM: silvia do we need to have a gay intervention

SILVIA: what no i am a-ok

ADAM: i kinda think we do

ADAM: you kinda ran away from a rescue mission 3 weeks ago crying because i asked why anyone would put snickers and vodka together

ADAM: jimothy is probably dead right now

SILVIA: fuck jimothy

SILVIA: also lol we've reached the deadline for this episode so that means we don't need to have a gay intervention for me

ADAM: well we will be having one sometime in the future

_credits roll_

JIMOTHY: i'm literally right here yall


	13. jessica goes to university (season premiere)

_it's been a few weeks. the squad is sitting in a little house. alexi is back, though they've dyed their hair to get away from the gourd witnesses_

JESSICA: well you will all be happy to know that i got a scholarship to ariana grande university!

_she does jazz hands, obviously hoping for applause. there is silence._

SILVIA: i didn't know ariana had a university

BARBECUE: i thought you killed ariana

JESSICA: oh i did

JESSICA: this university isn't official

JESSICA: i created it, you see

ALEXI: oh god this is gonna be fun

JESSICA: why you're not going

JESSICA: you're too dumb

ALEXI: sure

JESSICA: cheryl, you can't come eith-

JESSICA: oh

_there's a silence_

CHRIS: let's change the topic shall we

SILVIA: shut up read the room christopher

CHRIS: oops

_jessica is crying_

JIMOTHY: oh no

JIMOTHY: shit

JIMOTHY: she's crying again

JESSICA: fuck off fucktato

SILVIA: is that a mix of potato and fuck

JESSICA, sobbing: do i look like i know?

SILVIA: not at the moment but i'm sure you do

JIMOTHY: no she doesn't know anything except the price of a 24k dildo on the black market

_jessica stops crying to stare at him_

JESSICA: i what

BARBECUE: what

CHRIS: what

SILVIA: what

ALEXI: what

JIMOTHY: you know the price of a 24k dildo on the black market

JESSICA: i don't even know the price of a dildo on the regular market what

JIMOTHY: but you shop for them

JESSICA: i bought one like two years ago that doesn't mean i am the all-knowing dildo woman

BARBECUE: she's actually bought like fifty since she moved in with me. look

JESSICA: wait n--

_barbecue pulls a lever no one noticed before, and a hatch in the ceiling opens. suddenly hundreds of dildos in all shapes and colors fall down onto the floor_

JESSICA: i can explain

ALEXI: what exactly is there to explain

JESSICA: i actually didn't know how to explain anyways so shut up

JESSICA: sometimes i just wanna get fucked

ALEXI: please no

JESSICA: shut up

CHRIS: jessica why does this dildo have a picture of my f--

JESSICA: STOP

BARBECUE: i'm so confused

BARBECUE: jessica aren't you going to university

JESSICA: oh wait yeah

SILVIA: i'm going too. i want to go to university

JESSICA: no you c--

JIMOTHY: i'm going too

CHRIS: same

BARBECUE: why not

ALEXI: me too i wanna star in an episode for more than five minutes

_jessica looks at them all. she sighs, then walks towards the door_

JESSICA: fine. let's go

_they all follow her to the university they're all attending_

JESSICA: so what exactly do people do at university

ALEXI: i dunno

ALEXI: get degrees?

JESSICA: cool 

JESSICA: what's a degree

SILVIA: who let you build this school

SILVIA: who gave you funding

JESSICA: my sugar mommy

JESSICA: duh

SILVIA: what you're gay now

JESSICA: no

JESSICA: my mom thats made of sugar

SILVIA: oh

SILVIA: what

SILVIA: why did you think any of us would know what that meant

JESSICA: i dunno

_jessica does a squat_

BARBECUE: what was the point of that

JESSICA: well as headmaster i gotta have the hottest booty

ALEXI: im not sure thats a rule

JESSICA: it is

_she walks in to the building, doing squats as she walks_

SILVIA: wow this is going to be interesting

BARBECUE: if we're your only students i think you're fine jessica

BARBECUE: we won't judge you

SILVIA: we will

BARBECUE: fine we will judge you

ADAM: but we still love you!

BARBECUE: no we don't

ADAM: awww

ADAM: ok we don't

ALEXI: and you can burn in hell

JIMOTHY: that is something we can all agree on

SILVIA: mhm

_everyone fistbumps. jessica looks onward in horror as she squats_

JESSICA: they're all against me even though i opened my educational doors to them

JESSICA: fuck you all

_she unzips her boob, pulls out a peanut, and throws it at silvia_

SILVIA: fuck i have a nut allergy

JESSICA: thats what you get

SILVIA: no but for real does anyone have an epi pen

_silvia begins to swell like a balloon_

SILVIA: i feel like this isnt accurate portrayal of peanut allergies but whatever

SILVIA: how am i talking even

_silvia swells up a ton_

JIMOTHY: i feel like this might turn a few people on

JIMOTHY: have yall heard of inflation

BARBECUE: don't remind me

CHRIS: what's inflation

BARBECUE: you don't wanna know

ADAM: hey maybe we should get silvia to a hospital she looks like she's about to pop

_they look at silvia. she looks like she's about to pop_

BARBECUE: good call

BARBECUE: also a good excuse to get away from this horrid "school"

_everyone runs away, leaving jessica to do her squats_

* * *

_at the hospital, silvia is now in a room while barbecue, alexi, jimothy, jessica, adam, and chris sit in the waiting room_

_a doctor comes out_

DOCTOR: so she had an allergic reaction

JESSICA: we are already fucking aware

DOCTOR: it appears someone threw a nut at her so it made a dent

DOCTOR: does anyone know who threw it?

_everyone points at jessica_

DOCTOR: why

JESSICA: i got bored and shes a gay

ADAM: i am also a gay please dont throw nuts at me

JESSICA: 

JESSICA:

DOCTOR:

DOCTOR: well a lawyer gonna come in to see if she wants to sue because you left a pretty huge dent in her boob

JESSICA: she's just flat chested

DOCTOR: n

DOCTOR: no

DOCTOR: she is not

JESSICA: compared to me

ADAM: maam you barely have enough tissue for one tiddy lets be honest here

BARBECUE: damn he is spitting facts

ADAM: never say that again

BARBECUE: i'm just trying to do the slang of the hips kids

ADAM: just stop

CHRIS: yeah please stop

ALEXI: stop

JIMOTHY: stop

JESSICA: 

_alexi slaps her on the head_

JESSICA: oh uh

JESSICA: stop

JESSICA, (whispering): please dont stop its so hot

_everyone gags a little_

JESSICA: whatttttttt?

ADAM: you think it's hot when people use slang cringily

ADAM: unacceptable

JESSICA: we all have different kinks, _adam_

ADAM: we usually keep our kinks private, _jessica_

ADAM: unless the setting is appropriate, _jessica_

_adam spits at her_

JESSICA: ew what the fuck?!

JESSICA: what are you

JESSICA: a goat

_silvia is wheeled out in a wheel chair_

SILVIA: has

SILVIA: has a goat spit on you before

JESSICA: no but ryan gosling has

SILVIA: sorry what

JESSICA: do i really need to repeat myself

SILVIA: yes i just wanna hear that again

JESSICA: why

SILVIA: why not

BARBECUE: i hate all of you this is why

ALEXI: i feel like the order of that sentence was a little mixed up

BARBECUE: yoda now i am

ADAM: oh god

CHRIS: i didnt know you liked star wars

BARBECUE: star wars what is

CHRIS: wait

CHRIS: how are you 

CHRIS: if you dont

CHRIS: nevermind im confused

BARBECUE: you okay there chris did you have a brain freeze

CHRIS: well i wasn't drinking anything cold so

CHRIS: no

BARBECUE: okay then

_jessica starts screaming_

BARBECUE: jesus christ jessica what

JESSICA: well you all stopped focusing on me and i was doing something quirky to get your attention

SILVIA: you need to stop we're all done with your bullshit

ADAM: i agree

ALEXI: yeah can jessica leave

JIMOTHY: the only reason she is here is because she's one of the favorites of both show writers

_everyone "ughs" except jessica_

JESSICA: i'm just so fabulous okay

JESSICA: no one can resist my sexiness

_she wiggles her shoulders_

SILVIA: i can definitely resist that "sexiness"

JESSICA: what but arent you a "lesbian"

SILVIA: im not a "lesbian" im a lesbian and i have standards 

JESSICA: no you're just saying that to get in my pants

SILVIA:

SILVIA: why do i even try anymore

SILVIA: i know how these things are always going to end

_she looks at adam_

SILVIA: this is ridiculous

ADAM: i agree

ADAM: it's really all some bullshit

_the rest of the cast all does funny little dances around them_

ADAM: i think they are goblining

SILVIA: what's that

ADAM: acting like goblins obviously

SILVIA: ah

SILVIA: confusing but ok

ADAM: ive been spending a lot of time on urban dictionary

ADAM: it's like a rabbit hole y'know?

SILVIA: it is thoughhhh

_jessica glares at them_

JESSICA: homos stop eye fucking each other and go to class

SILVIA: we're not-

ADAM: we're both ga-

JESSICA: i dont want to hear it 

_she uses her ass to point towards the hallways_

SILVIA: that was unnecessary

JESSICA: go bitch

_she reaches into the side of the wall and pulls out a brick_

ADAM: what the

JESSICA: DO IT

_silvia grabs adam's arm, and pulls him towards the nearest room_

TEACHER: you're late

_they look up and somehow the teacher is also jessica_

ADAM: what the

JESSICA: welcome to influencer class

SILVIA: oh my god please kill me

JESSICA: now take out your phones and download insta because thats the only thing you need to be worrying about

ADAM: what if we dont have phones?

_teacher jessica pulls a cat out of her desk and it regurgitates up a phone that looks like it came out of the 1940s_

JESSICA: here you go

CHRIS: uno question

CHRIS: how do i become an influencer with a telephone connected to a landline

JESSICA: i will teach you

_she wiggles and suddenly a powerpoint presentation appears_

JESSICA: step one is to buy a lot of cool clothes so people think you're that swaggy rich shit

ALEXI: never say those words again

BARBECUE: most clothes don't fit me

SILVIA: i already have cool clothes

JIMOTHY: i have no money so i wear the same clothes every day

CHRIS: im lazy

JESSICA:

JESSICA: congrats you're all failures

JESSICA: step two

JESSICA: you can never wear the same clothes ever 

SILVIA: thats not really a step, it's more of a-

JESSICA: just shut the fuck up saliva no one cares about what you have to say

_silvia looks sad_

JESSICA: step three: you can't ever be anything other than happy and/or sexy

_jessica strikes a supposedly sexy pose_

JESSICA: rawr

JIMOTHY: oh

JIMOTHY: sexy lion phase

BARBECUE: not that shit again

ALEXI: when did that happen

BARBECUE: it didn't in this show

BARBECUE: but this is the same universe as lord of the dings yknow

ALEXI: i don't know what you're talking about but sure

BARBECUE: you've never seen that show

ALEXI: i dont spend a lot of time watching tv

ALEXI: im half british

JIMOTHY: what does that have to do with anything

ALEXI: i dunno

JESSICA: class yall better shut the hell up before you get a smackdown

SILVIA: what did you turn into a prison guard for a second

JESSICA: technically i was a prison guard once

SILVIA: what do you mean technically

JESSICA: when i was living in the cult there was a prison that held people who spoke out against the cult and i guarded it from the ages of 20 to 25

JESSICA: then i became head prison warden and the prison area became the orgy area

_beat_

CHRIS: considering who the prison warden was, understandable

JIMOTHY: those were some weird years

JIMOTHY: apparently jessica used a whip to smack the asses of misbehaving prisoners and then that turned them on so when she became warden she just did that forever

JIMOTHY: i was 11

JESSICA: i dont remember how old i was

CHRIS: you just said

JESSICA: it doesnt matter what i just said as long as you love my dog

SILVIA: you have a dog?

JESSICA: step four: have a dog

ADAM: what if im like taylor swift and have a cat

JESSICA: cats aint shit

_she summons a cat from thin air and throws it out the window_

BARBECUE: was that really necessary

JESSICA: yes

ADAM: wait i think that was my cat

JESSICA: it most definitely was

_adam starts sparkling like a firecracker_

JESSICA: wassssssssssssssssssssssnot

ADAM: thats what i thought

JESSICA: hahahahahahah

ADAM: please tell me that wasnt her because that cat belonged to my ex boyfriend who is currently in prison and when he gets out hes gonna be looking for that cat because it belonged to his grandma

JESSICA: hahahahah

ADAM: oh dear god

JESSICA: also ew you're so gay

ADAM: dont you mean hooray you're gay

JESSICA: no thats disgusting

_silvia throws a tomato at her_

JESSICA: what the fuck

SILVIA: anyone being homophobic gets the tomato of truth thrown at them

_there is a laugh track, which is the first one of the entire show_

_credits roll_

ADAM: no seriously we need to find that cat


	14. the gourd witnesses

_silvia is sitting in her living room, reading a book in the language of the gourd_ _. jimothy crashes in through the roof_

SILVIA: get you and your stupid talking dick out of here

JIMOTHY: sad face noises

SILVIA: ew

JIMOTHY: so if you can read and speak gourdish, does that mean you believe in the gourd

SILVIA: i mean

SILVIA: yeah

SILVIA: he's real i saw him with my own eyes

JIMOTHY: well

JIMOTHY: i think i just saw damian

SILVIA: isn't he dead?

JIMOTHY: no like he was on the cover of a book

SILVIA: well yeah

SILVIA: he's the leader of the followers of the gour-

SILVIA: oh fuck

SILVIA: i was there when he got murdered

SILVIA: i'm a traitor because i didn't save him

_she screams loudly and starts running in circles. jimothy watches her, confused_

JIMOTHY: why are you so afraid, it wasn't your fault he died

SILVIA: the gourd witnesses will come after me and kill me because i let him die

SILVIA: oh this is bad this is bad this is very very bad

JIMOTHY: calm down, i'm sure we can work out a solution

SILVIA: a solution for wHAT

JIMOTHY: i dunno, how to get them to not come after you? it's not a big deal

_the wall bursts down and a man and a woman, dressed as squashes, run inside_

SILVIA: fUCK HOWD YOU FIND ME SO QUICKLY

WOMAN: you're the president

SILVIA: i forgot about that

WOMAN: how do you forget

MAN: you're a horrible president

_jimothy looks back and forth at the man and woman and silvia_

JIMOTHY: who are you?

MAN: i'm reverend cehoud

WOMAN: i'm his wife mary cehoud

JIMOTHY: isn't "cehoud" just an anagram of "douche"

MAN: shut up no it isn't

_he flips through the gourd bible_

MAN: see here "cehoud" is the name of one of the people

SILVIA: that says "lilith" is your eyesight alright

SILVIA: also you are not lilith

SILVIA: i have met lilith and you are not her

SILVIA: she is one fiery motherfucker and also she's even more into women then lucifer the lesbian is

MAN: did you ever hear that satan was a lesbian

SILVIA: huh

_the man pulls out a[book](https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/71OpzJiCISL._AC_SL1200_.jpg)_

MAN: see

SILVIA: huh

MAN: can't you read

SILVIA: no not really

SILVIA: im supposed to wear glasses or contacts but yall kinda just burst into my house

JIMOTHY: weren't you reading a book

SILVIA: well i can still see just not well

SILVIA: i just like to stare at books and pretend to read to seem scholarly and wise

JIMOTHY: you're more of a smartass than anything but okay

MAN: can we stop i need to kidnap you and take you to the gourd witness headquarters so we can brainwash you

MAN: we might as well take the boy too

JIMOTHY: no d--

_the man knocks out jimothy. a woman enters the room, takes jimothy's body, and walks outside, where she ties him up and throws him into the back of a pickup truck._

SILVIA: ᖻᓍᑘ ᘻᓍᖶᕼᘿᖇᖴᑘᑢᖽᐸᘿᖇ! ᒚᘿSSᓰᑢᗩ ᘺᓰᒪᒪ ᗷᘿ Sᓍ ᕵᓰSSᘿᕲ ᗩᖶ ᘻᘿ!

_she goes into hand to hand combat with the man, but she can't fight and is instantly knocked out_

* * *

_silvia and jimothy wake up tied to chairs in front of a large screen, surrounded by a ton of people in squash costumes_

SILVIA: god i forgot there was a horrible uniform change

JIMOTHY: those suits do not suit any of your bodies

WOMAN: shut up

_she sits on jimothys lap_

SILVIA: what the fuck was that supposed to do

WOMAN: give me a chair

SILVIA: you were already sitting in one

WOMAN: who cares thats not the point

WOMAN: it's time to brainwash you

JIMOTHY: you can't

JIMOTHY: jessica brainwashed me to never be brainwashed so i will be unaffected

SILVIA: well shit jimothy where was she when she did this now i'm gonna be brainwashed by these idiots

JIMOTHY: it was when i was two and she was like 

JIMOTHY: ten

JIMOTHY: or a teen

JIMOTHY: or something

MAN: alright shut up it's time for the brainwashing

_they turn on a tv and start to play a cursed video_

SILVIA: is there a way to become not brainwashed

MAN: why would we tell you

SILVIA: so i can know

WOMAN: thats actually really good logic

MAN: shut up let me think

MAN: wait thats really good logic

WOMAN: i already said that-

MAN: shut up let me think

_the man thinks. while he thinks, jimothy and silvia take two hours to untie themselves. then they are free and silently run away_

JIMOTHY: that was a close one

SILVIA: i know right

JIMOTHY: by the way i actually could have been brainwashed if i saw that video for too long so it was good we got out of there

JIMOTHY: jessica isn't a very good teacher or video watcher

SILVIA: i think i can gather that just from the evidence i have from knowing her as a human being

JIMOTHY: so what do we do

SILVIA: well since we're running from them we should probably change our appearances

JIMOTHY: ooh ive always wanted to do that

SILVIA: okay

SILVIA: let's go to dollar tree

JIMOTHY: why

SILVIA: because i am broke jimmy why do you think im on this show

JIMOTHY: because you wanted some money

SILVIA: come on

_silvia runs off towards a dollar tree, and jimothy follows_

_they go inside, and jimothy heads for the hair dye_

_he grabs purple for silvia, and dark blue for him_

JIMOTHY: i feel like this should be good

_he heads back over to silvia_

JIMOTHY: i got the shit

SILVIA: what is this

JIMOTHY: hair dye

JIMOTHY: i got purple for you but you can have dark blue if you want 

JIMOTHY: they also had red

JIMOTHY: and silver

JIMOTHY: and neon yellow

SILVIA; were there normal colors like brown or black

JIMOTHY: no

JIMOTHY: none

SILVIA: jesus

JIMOTHY: what

JIMOTHY: no one has normal boring hair colors anymore

JIMOTHY: look at jessica she has blue streaks in her hair

SILVIA: i thought those were extensions

JIMOTHY: they might be

JIMOTHY: it might not even be hair from her head a long time ago she got really into an organization called "pubes for kids"

SILVIA: what

JIMOTHY: yeah they made hair extensions out of pubes for kids with cancer

SILVIA: why

SILVIA: and why only extensions thats not gonna do shit

JIMOTHY: dunno

JIMOTHY: but people gave up their public hair for this shit

JIMOTHY: some of it was blue

_silvia makes confused face noises_

SILVIA: how??????

_jimothy shrugs_

JIMOTHY: i am shrugging my shoulders in confusion as well

JIMOTHY: but which color do you want

SILVIA: i guess i'll take silver i've always wanted silver hair

JIMOTHY: yass honey fab

SILVIA: no

SILVIA: what does that even mean

JIMOTHY: honestly, im not sure

JIMOTHY: sometimes i wonder if i spend too much time with my sister

SILVIA: you most definitely do

SILVIA: 

SILVIA: okay time to go dye my hair

SILVIA: im not starting to wonder why im dyeing it silver i have blonde hair

JIMOTHY: well bitch i'm dying mine pink so

_fast forward to when the two of them now have silver and pink hair_

JIMOTHY: maybe i should have picked a color that went better with my wardrobe

SILVIA: but you only wear brown

JIMOTHY: exactly because i have brown hair

SILVIA: does that mean you have to buy new clothes

JIMOTHY: yeah

JIMOTHY: or i could steal some of jessica's i think she has some pink clothes

SILVIA: barbecue said the only pink things she has are thongs

JIMOTHY: goddammit jessica think of the children

JIMOTHY: i can't wear thongs 

SILVIA: please never do that

SILVIA: i think i would die of male hatred

JIMOTHY: oh

JIMOTHY: well where can i get pink clothes

SILVIA: i think they have some leftover breast cancer awareness shirts at target

JIMOTHY: but i dont have breasts

SILVIA: that doesn't mean you cant support women who do you dumbass

SILVIA: or men

SILVIA: or nonbinaries

SILVIA: or genderfluids

SILVIA: or demigenders

SILVIA: anyone who has breasts really

JIMOTHY: you're right

_he puts on a breast cancer awareness shirt and faces the camera_

JIMOTHY: all of you with breasts are valid and deserve cancer treatment

_silvia smiles_

SILVIA: exactly

_jimothy does a pose and mr peen peeks through his pants and pulls out a cigarette_

MR PEEN: what the fuck are you doing kid?

_he lights the cigarette and there is just a dick smoking in the middle of dollar tree_

SILVIA: oh god jimothy put that away we're in a store no one wants to see that

_a woman waves her fingers and hops over to them_

_she has a karen haircut_

KAREN HAIRCUT: oh my god is that mr peen from barbecue

MR PEEN: why yes it is

KAREN HAIRCUT: can i have your autograph

SILVIA: are you fucking kidding me

SILVIA: we are two recurring characters and you want an autograph from a-

_someone grabs her by the neck and she is dragged offscreen_

JIMOTHY: silvia?

JIMOTHY: where'd she go?

_he stares behind him for three seconds before shrugging and turning back around_

JIMOTHY: i think she was gonna say "dick" but whatever

KAREN HAIRCUT: oh that was just my son

KAREN HAIRCUT: he's a hitman

_jimothy spits out his coffee except he isn't drinking anything so he just spits on karen haircut_

JIMOTHY: WHAT

KAREN HAIRCUT: mhm

JIMOTHY: why'd he take silvia?????

KAREN HAIRCUT: probably to kill her

KAREN HAIRCUT: yawn

JIMOTHY: did you just say the word yawn

KAREN HAIRCUT: well i cant yawn for real thats so unattractive

_she licks jimothy's ear and walks away_

JIMOTHY: what the fuck just happened

_someone then hits him with a brick and he is knocked out_

* * *

_jimothy and silvia wake up tied to more chairs_

SILVIA: goddammit i knew this plan wouldnt work

SILVIA: the gourd witnesses got us again

_a person emerges from the shadows_

JIMOTHY: wait that's alexi

ALEXI: hey

ALEXI: i thought since we were all on the run you could come live in my secret hideout with me

SILVIA: did you have to hit us with bricks and tie us up though

ALEXI: yes

ALEXI: it's kinky

JIMOTHY: i'm 16 by the way

ALEXI: oh

ALEXI: um

ALEXI: it is good for the skin

JIMOTHY: it is?

JIMOTHY: jessica never told me that

ALEXI: well jessica is a dumbass

SILVIA: i mean you arent wrong but can you untie us

ALEXI: unfortunately no

ALEXI: i just got my nails done and i dont wanna mess them up

_they waved their neon yellow glow in the dark nails at them_

SILVIA: what the fuck why in that color

ALEXI: i just found out glow in the dark nail polish is a thing

SILVIA: what, did you live in a cave for all your life?

ALEXI: kinda yeah

ALEXI: i lived underground because i might be a vampire

_they open their mouth to show their fangs_

JIMOTHY: woah you ARE a vampire

JIMOTHY: happen to know edward cullen

ALEXI: he is fictional

JIMOTHY: oh

SILVIA: goddammit jimothy not you too with the twilight phase

JIMOTHY: cheryl really got me into it

SILVIA:

JIMOTHY: oh right

JIMOTHY: sometimes i forget that any human being could have a crush on that idiot

SILVIA: she was smart

SILVIA: in her own way

JIMOTHY: i guess

JIMOTHY: i had a crush on her too

SILVIA: you did

JIMOTHY: yes

JIMOTHY: she was pretty

JIMOTHY: i liked her red hair

JIMOTHY: she let me lick it from time to time

SILVIA: sorry what

JIMOTHY: it tasted like horses

ALEXI: can you cheryl simps shut up for a second im trying to make a plan to kill the gourd witnesses once and for all and youre being distracted

JIMOTHY: i bet they taste like horses

JIMOTHY: maybe if we kidnap them all and give them to a cannibalistic horse they will die

_beat_

ALEXI: jimothy you fucking genius

SILVIA: what no we cant do that

ALEXI: why not

SILVIA: its illegal to indirectly murder someone with a cannibalistic horse

SILVIA: and we are on tv

_she points at the camera_

ALEXI: oh yeah

JIMOTHY: since when was that a rule???

SILVIA: let's google it

_she googles it_

SILVIA: oh it doesn't say

SILVIA: the only search results are wikipedia articles for boone helm and incidents of cannibalism

ALEXI: haha it is not illegal lol

JIMOTHY: don't say lol

JIMOTHY: youll get the cringe disease

ALEXI: thats a made up disease

JIMOTHY: no it's no joke you could die from it

ALEXI: lmao no

JIMOTHY: i'm being serious

JIMOTHY: my uncle died of cringe disease once

_jessica sticks her head in through the ceiling_

JESSICA: we don't have an uncle

SILVIA: how did you get in here

JESSICA: i'm just that sexy

_laugh track even though that wasn't funny_

_credits roll_

SILVIA: petition to make a petition about how jessica isn't sexy at all


	15. the ariana thing didn't work out, so jessica became a teacher

_jessica is standing at the front of a classroom of kids, looking tired_

JESSICA: i'm not qualified for this

_jessica breathes deeply and then smiles_

JESSICA: alright kids, it's time to learn about *+ multiplication! +*

_she does jazz hands and obviously expects applause_

_silence_

JESSICA: oh come on

JESSICA: what the fuck is wrong with you guys

KID NUMBER ONE: im thix

JESSICA: im thicc too

KID N.O: no im thix

_he holds up six fingers_

JESSICA: ohhh

JESSICA: you're sexc

KID N.O: what does that mean?

JESSICA: it means you are very attractive

KID 1: did you hear that guys? i'm attractive

_the kid is hoisted into the air by the other kids. there is loud cheering and confetti falls from the sky_

JESSICA: _**SHUT UP!!!**_

_the kids all hide under their desks in fear. kid 1 is dropped on the floor and dies_

JESSICA: oh no is he dead

KID 2: i think

JESSICA: oh no i'll be responsible since i'm the teacher

KID 2: you're dramatic

JESSICA: **_SHUT UP!!!_**

KID 2: why you're not my mom

JESSICA: i am now ya little fuck

KID 2: i will run you over with my porch

JESSICA: sorry what

KID 2: like the car

JESSICA: your _porsche_?

KID 2: yes

_a baby raises their hand_

BABY: 请我能走了吗家?

JESSICA: what

BABY: can i go home please?

BABY: my mom wants me to learn german fuckity split

JESSICA: what now

BABY: fuckity split

JESSICA: i don't have one of those

JESSICA: but they sound hella tasty

BABY: it's not a food dumbass

BABY: i meant i have to learn it fast

JESSICA: don't say dumbass you little shit

BABY: what i can say fuckity but not dumbass

JESSICA: fuckity technically is not a word. dumbass is, and it is a swear word. only adults can say swear words

BABY: no

BABY: im mentally older than you by like eighty years

JESSICA: ew you're old that means youre fat

BABY: im literally a baby all babies are fat

BABY: sorry bitch

JESSICA: you should be sorry for disrupting my class. now where were we

BABY: we were doing multiplic--

JESSICA: spelling

JESSICA: now class how do you spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-

KID 3: s-u-

JESSICA: wrong

_she writes "soopercallifrajilistickxpeeallidoshus" on the board_

KID 3: come on teacher i'm six and i know better than you

JESSICA: shut the fuck up i am the teacher i know everything

KID 3: clearly you dont know how to spell

JESSICA: yes i do 

_she points to what she just wrote on the board_

KID 3: thats not even a real word it's just from a movie

JESSICA: no its not

JESSICA: mary peppers is a real person

BABY: who is mary peppers

JESSICA: that lady with the umbrella

BABY: no

JESSICA: mhm

BABY: no it-

JESSICA: okay, time for the best part of the day

JESSICA: sex ed

KID 2: whats sex

BABY: are we supposed to be learning this

JESSICA: yes even babies have to bang someday

BABY: what if we're all asexual

JESSICA: what's that

BABY: asexual

BABY: where you dont have sex attraction

JESSICA: thats not real silly

BABY: 

BABY: im very sure that it is

JESSICA: youre a baby you cant have strong opinions

BABY: stop erasing lgbt people

JESSICA: why

BABY: because youre a fuckknuckle

JESSICA: what's a fuckknuckle

BABY: well

_the baby turns around to face the class_

BABY: a one

BABY: a two

BABY: a one two three four

_the class begins to sing loudly and off tune_

* * *

SONG BEGINS

**I get on with life as a fuckknuckle,  
I'm a little kinda fuckknuckle.  
I like eating fuckknuckles on Sundays,  
I like throwing fuckknuckles at fuckknuckles in the week.  
I like to contemplate not Miss Jessica.  
But when I start to daydream,  
My mind turns straight to fuckknuckles.  
  
Sometimes I look at fuckknuckles and I look into my fuckknuckles,  
I notice the way I think about fuckknuckles with a fuckknuckle,  
fuckknuckles I just can't disguise.  
But I think it's fuckknuckles making my life not worthwhile.  
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?  
Not Miss Jessica or...  
Fuckknuckles?  
  
I like to use words like 'bitch,'  
I like to use words like 'goo goo ga ga.'  
I like to use words about fuckknuckles.  
But when I stop my talking,  
My mind turns straight to fuckknuckles.**

**I like to hang out with Chinababy,  
I like to kick back with Vienna,  
But when left alone,  
My fuckknuckles turns straight to fuckknuckles.  
  
Sometimes I look at myself and I look into my eyes,  
I notice the way I think about fuckknuckles with a smile,  
Curved lips I just can't disguise.  
But I think it's not jessica making my life worthwhile.  
Why is it so hard for me to decide which I love more?  
Not Miss Jessica or...  
Fuckknuckles?  
  
I'm not too fond of fuckknuckles,  
I really hate fuckknuckles,  
But I just think back to fuckknuckles,  
And I'm happy once again.**

SONG ENDS

* * *

JESSICA: what on earth was that

BABY: did you not like my song

JESSICA: no you little shit

JESSICA: you just said im not your top priority

JESSICA: i am supposed to be everyones priority thats why this show is called jessica the top priority bitch

BABY: im not sure thats true

_the baby points up at the show's title, which reads BARBECUE THE PRIORITIES DINOSAUR_

BABY: see 

JESSICA: that's stupid

JESSICA: this is bullshit

JESSICA: this whole thing is bullshit

BABY: maam there is no need to swear 

JESSICA, STOMPING HER FEET: fuck shit fuck fuck ass ass dick shit shit bitch cunt crap damn fuck

BABY: maam

JESSICA: wHAHHHHHTH

BABY: oh my god are you having a panic attack

JESSICA: NO I DONT PANICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

_she starts angry twerking_

BABY: what the

_the baby turns to an older kid_

BABY: vienna what is happening

VIENNA: i think the teacher drank too much coffee

BABY: how do we get the coffee out

VIENNA: if we all dogpile her that will make her shit out all the coffee

BABY: good idea

JESSICA: DONT DO THAT YOU LITTLE MOTHERFUCKERS

BABY: but

JESSICA: I WILL SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU

VIENNA: we're trying to do that to you actually

JESSICA: SHUT THE FUCK UP

VIENNA: dont worry this isnt gonna hurt

VIENNA: i dont think

VIENNA: i have never done this before

BABY: oh it will

VIENNA: oh

VIENNA: well it will

_jessica is pinned down and then slapped continuously in the face_

JESSICA: your dumb little kid hands can't hurt me

_the baby runs away and comes back with a ping pong paddle, then vibe checks jessica in the face_

JESSICA: ouchie

* * *

_jessica comes home from school looking like a wreck. the squad is there_

ADAM: wow you look terrible

JESSICA: thanks for pointing that out dumbass

ALEXI: wait i thought you were gonna become the next ariana grande?

_beat_

BARBECUE: who's gonna tell alexi

ALEXI: tell me what?

JESSICA: don't--

SILVIA: the ariana thing kinda fell out

SILVIA: especially since she kind of got murdered by the sun

ALEXI: sorry the what

SILVIA: im just repeating what i was told 

SILVIA: by the way jessica i would love it if you stopped coming into my house in the middle of the night to leave me a vibrator

JESSICA: theres no proof that was me

SILVIA: it has your name carved into it

JESSICA: no proof

_silvia pulls out a vibrator that says PROPERTY OF JESSICA CANDIE on it_

JESSICA: jessica candie is a very common mame

SILVIA: no it isn't 

JESSICA: yes it is

_she turns to jimothy_

JESSICA: look up "jessica candie" on facebook and see how many results you get

_jimothy pulls out his phone and looks at it for a bit_

JIMOTHY: there are two other people

JIMOTHY: plus some french lady on twitter

JESSICA: did i ask you to look on twitter you fucking dumbass

JIMOTHY: no but--

_jessica slaps him_

BARBECUE: i think he's dead 

JIMOTHY: i'm not dead

BARBECUE: sometimes i can still hear his voice

JIMOTHY: thats because im talking

BARBECUE: oh what a world we live in

JIMOTHY: literally what the fuck i am right here see

_he goes to touch barbecues arm but his hand goes through his body_

JIMOTHY: what the

BARBECUE: anyway what are we supposed to do now

JESSICA: we party

JESSICA: since jimothy was underage i couldn't have drinks but now i can since he is dead

JIMOTHY: I AM NOT DEAD

JIMOTHY: YOU STILL DRANK ANYWAY

SILIVIA:

SILVIA: you guys realize that jimothy is right there

_she points at him_

JIMOTHY: thank you silvia

JESSICA: we all know youre a ghost summer

SILVIA: a what

JESSICA: someone who summons ghosties

SILVIA: do you mean summoner

JESSICA: no summer

SILVIA: but that's not right

JESSICA: yes it is silvia you just dont know anything

SILVIA: i actually know a lot of things that you don't know

SILVIA: most of it is basic facts

SILVIA: did you even past grade pre school

JESSICA: what's school 

SILVIA: what

JESSICA: i never went to school

JESSICA: i used to be in a 

_jessica stares off into space then starts twerking_

SILVIA: what the fuck just happened

SILVIA: what did she used to be i-- ohhhh

SILVIA: the cult

ALEXI: was this a twerking cult?

ADAM: no jessica is probably just spontaneous 

JIMOTHY: no it was a twerking cult

ADAM: oh

_he clenches his fists_

ADAM: damnio ef

SILVIA: what

ADAM: nothing shut up im not an illegal resident of this country

SILVIA: i 

SILVIA: i dont think i ever said you were???

JESSICA: i bet he is

_she twerks once more, then falls asleep_

ALEXI: the fuck just happened

BARBECUE: that girl confuses me greatly

BARBECUE: she makes my brain scramble like eggs

ALEXI: brains sound delicious

_everyone stares at them_

ALEXI: what

SILVIA: are you a zombie

ALEXI: no they just sound kinda good

CHRIS: i'm afraid of you

CHRIS: also how does a brain scramble like eggs

CHRIS: is your brain on drugs

BARBECUE: no, i--

_chris plays the "this is your brain on drugs" video_

BARBECUE: the eggs weren't even scrambled in that video

CHRIS: the scrambling is after you take too many drugs

BARBECUE: i actually went to rehab during the time between the season finale and the premiere

ALEXI: wait what

BARBECUE: yeah it was court mandated because i drunk drove into a boat and tried to eat three people

SILVIA: how did you drive into a boat

BARBECUE: i dont really remember

_beat_

CHRIS: barbecue?

BARBECUE: yeah

CHRIS: just stop

CHRIS: cut the shit

CHRIS: we all know you're not really a dinosaur

BARBECUE: what--

CHRIS: and that you're just in a suit

CHRIS: show us the REAL you

BARBECUE: but this is the real me

CHRIS: sTOP FUCKING LYING

BARBECUE: but

BARBECUE: im not

JESSICA: i thought today was supposed to be all about meeeeeeeeeee

SILVIA: you think that literally every day

_laugh track_

_credits roll_

ADAM: do all of our episodes have to end with laugh tracks

JIMOTHY: well it makes for an ending i guess

ADAM: yeah

ADAM: a bad one

ADAM: when did this show become a really bad disney show

SILVIA: you can't say that we'll get sued

ADAM: no we won't we'll get out of it with your money

SILVIA: true


	16. the squad has to care for a baby

CHRIS: so i found a baby on my doorstep and whoever left it wants me to take care of it

_he is holding a basket with a baby monkey in it_

SILVIA: that is just a monkey

ALEXI: ew i hate monkeys

SILVIA: that's rude monkeys have good qualities

SILVIA: wait hold up

SILVIA: alexi?

ALEXI: hi yeah

SILVIA: how are you back?

ALEXI: i think i threw the sky police off my tail

ALEXI: also the gourd witnesses are off my tail too obviously, so that's good

_the monkey baby starts to cry and scream loudly_

BARBECUE: oh god how do we get this creature to shut up

_he throws a big piece of bread at the monkey_

SILVIA: please tell me that you didn't kill that monkey

BARBECUE: i didn't look he's eating the bread

SILVIA: how do you know it's a he

BARBECUE: idk does it have a pee pee

JIMOTHY: step back the expert is here

JIMOTHY: i can spot pee pees from a mile away

_he looks_

JIMOTHY: it has nothing

JIMOTHY: it's like a ken doll 

SILVIA: fuck i forgot to give the animals their genitalia back

JIMOTHY: why did you take it away

SILVIA: so people didn't have to suffer obviously

CHRIS: how will it pee? does it pee out of its mouth

JESSICA: eW GROSS I DONT WANNA CARE FOR THIS NASTY THING

_adam walks in_

ADAM: where have i been this whole time im part of the squad

ALEXI: we're caring for a monkey

ADAM: nope i'm out

_he tries to leave but alexi uses a stage cane and pulls him back_

ADAM: what the hell i aint a sheep

JESSICA: fucking sheep

JESSICA: help us with this baby monkey thing

ADAM: i just said im not a sheep

ADAM: also the last time i saw you 

ADAM: you were discriminating me because im gay and you're a homophobe

JESSICA: for the last fucking time, i am not afraid of homes

ADAM: for the last fucking time, that is not what that means

JESSICA: what does it mean

BARBECUE: it means that you hate gay people

JESSICA: oh i don't

SILVIA: i heard that you do

SILVIA: from cheryl

JESSICA:

SILVIA: that wasn't the right thing to say was it

ALEXI: shut your mouth silvia we need to care for this monkey

JESSICA: 

JESSICA:

JESSICA:

JIMOTHY: well what's up monkey man

CHRIS: wait i wanna do something. jimothy hold the monkey

JIMOTHY: okay?

_chris leaves, then walks back in, singing_

CHRIS: i want to see my little bOY

JIMOTHY: *walks over with the monkey, also singing* here he comes

CHRIS: I WANT TO SEE MY LITTLE B ** _OY_**

_he and jimothy high five_

BARBECUE: you did all that just to reenact a vine

CHRIS: yes

JIMOTHY: yes

BARBECUE: you didn't even record it

CHRIS: shit we should have done that

_he grabs his phone_

CHRIS: take 2

_chris leaves, then walks back in singing_

CHRIS: i want to see my little bOY

JIMOTHY: here h-- oH MY GOD HE'S PEEING ON MEEEEEEEEEEEE

CHRIS: SHIT SHIT SHIT

_jimothy shits_

JIMOTHY: HOW WAS THIS SUPPOSED TO HELP

CHRIS: NO I DIDNT MEAN LITERALLY

BARBECUE: YOU RUINED MY FUCKING FLOOR

JESSICA: YOUR FLOOR IS FUCKING?!

BARBECUE: NO YOU DUMBASS

ALEXI: THIS IS WHY I HATE MONKEYS

SILVIA: THAT'S RUDE MONKEYS HAVE GOOD QUALITIES

_everyone is now screaming. no one is making a move to help jimothy_

* * *

_5 minutes later_

_the house is on fire and jessica has the monkey strapped to her nipples_

JESSICA: lets go baby boy

SILVIA: why did you have to put the monkey in a baby bjorn thats being held up by your nipple clamps

JESSICA: i had to save my nipple clamps

SILVIA: you could just hold them

JESSICA: no silvia i couldn't just "hold them"

JESSICA: anyways the house is on fire what do we do

CHRIS: call 911?

JESSICA: already did that

_barbecue comes running in_

BARBECUE: yo jessica i wasn't sure if you'd want to save your sex toy stash so i brought it for you here

_he dumps a box of burnt dildos onto the ground_

JESSICA: can you not pull those out in front of people

ALEXI: whatever children are in the area are now scarred for life

JIMOTHY: i'm already scarred for life and i'm nearly an adult

SILVIA: how old are you

JIMOTHY: sixteen

SILVIA: how the fuck were you allowed on this show this is literally for young adults

JIMOTHY: but the writers are thirteen

SILVIA: wait really

SILVIA: i wasn't aware of that

SILVIA: who let them make this shit

JIMOTHY: um

JIMOTHY: theyre writing it in secret

_silvia stomps up to the camera and shakes it_

SILVIA: writers, go the fuck to sleep or whatever. this is too inappropriate. you are literally writing about dinos and humans having sex and a bunch of other shit th---

_she is knocked out by alexi with a brick, though they hit her a little softer than they hit damian_

ALEXI: don't tell the writers what to do silvia they don't need you mothering them

ALEXI: what do you have to say to that

_silvia is still knocked out_

ALEXI: that's what i thought

ALEXI: actually wait are you dead

ALEXI: fuck i cant be traced back to another murder

_alexi runs away as fast as they can_

JESSICA: hey wait you have to help us care for this monkey baby

_the monkey baby makes a weird kind of wooping noise_

BARBECUE: is that a fire alarm or is that just what monkeys sound like

MONKEY BABY: woop woop

ADAM: monkeys aren't supposed to sound like that you idiot

ADAM: it's probably because jessica parties all the time and gets it on

JESSICA: i haven't even left this group

JESSICA: i have had this monkey baby nipple clamp bjorn thing going on since the beginning

ADAM: wh

ADAM: why

CHRIS: yeah why

CHRIS: i was the one that had the baby monkey

JESSICA: i just have this with me at all times

JIMOTHY: she does not

JESSICA: fuck you

_beat_

ADAM: anyway the house is on fire so what do we do now

SILVIA: didnt we call the fire department

JESSICA: yeah

JESSICA: heres the thing

ADAM: did you not call them

JESSICA: i was too busy putting my nipple clamps at 90 degree angles

BARBECUE: jessica this is our HOUSE

BARBECUE: we pay the TAXES for this

BARBECUE: and now it is on FIRE

JESSICA: so?

BARBECUE: so we will be in a lot of financial troubles probably

JESSICA: we already were

SILVIA: can we stop arguing and just call the fire department

CHRIS: i agree this is definitely not good

BARBECUE: oh my gourd where are we even going to live now

BARBECUE: we'll have to live in a fucking box on the side of the road

BARBECUE: and now how am i going to pay for jessicas eight million abortions a week

JESSICA: dont judge me i like to get dick

CHRIS: can we maybe not talk about this

JESSICA: why

JESSICA: are you jealous youve never gotten to-

CHRIS: never once have i ever wanted to do that

* * *

_the squad and their monkey is now sitting in a big box on the sidewalk_

JESSICA: this sucks balls

_the monkey throws its shit at her_

JESSICA: ew

JIMOTHY: should we name the monkey?

JESSICA: NO

CHRIS: im bored why not

ADAM: can we name it steve

JIMOTHY: why steve

ADAM: because my name is steve

ADAM: i like my vest

JIMOTHY: neither of those things are true

JIMOTHY: you are wearing a tshirt and khakis

ADAM: i think you have me confused with chris

_jimothy looks at the two of them. they are both wearing tshirts and khakis but not aware that the other is wearing the same outfit_

JIMOTHY: what the fuck

BARBECUE: inception

JIMOTHY: im not sure you know what that means

BARBECUE: i do

BARBECUE: it rhymes with conception 

JIMOTHY: that doesnt prove that you know what it means

JIMOTHY: those words aren't even the same

JIMOTHY: inception is the establishment or starting point of an institution or activity

JIMOTHY: conception is the action of conceiving a child or of a child being conceived

ALEXI: you copied that shit from google

JIMOTHY: how could i copy it im am speaking out loud

ALEXI: well then you looked it up and said the definition

JIMOTHY: and

ALEXI: you copied it

JIMOTHY: no i didnt

JIMOTHY: how do you know i didnt just memorize that

ALEXI: i dont

ALEXI: actually i do

ALEXI: you're too stupid to memorize anything

_jimothy bursts into tears_

JIMOTHY: im smartttttttt

_silvia hits alexi on the back of the neck with a rock. it knocks them out_

SILVIA: dont call jimothy stupid you motherfucking brick bitch

SILVIA: as his best friend i have legal rights to hit you

MONKEY: where did you get that rock from we have been sitting in this big ass box for like an hour

SILVIA: woah the monkey talks

MONKEY: well you just assumed i couldnt thats very rude

SILVIA: well we've been here for like an hour and you still havent said anything so

MONKEY: wow a hour hour where i didnt speak and you think im mute

SILVIA: well most monkeys can't talk anyway

MONKEY: that's bullshit

MONKEY: ever heard of the monkey king, sun wukong

SILVIA: can't say i have

_she looks up_

SILVIA: writers?

_one of the writers leans down_

WRITER: yes?

SILVIA: who is sun wukong

WRITER: monkey king in chinese mythology

MONKEY: i literally just said that

SILVIA: okay thanks writers

MONKEY: youre a bitch

WRITERS: we know

MONKEY: not you, the silver girl

SILVIA: who, me?

SILVIA: my name is silvia

BARBECUE: silver girl

CHRIS: what are the nicknames for silvia again

BARBECUE: so far we have siberia, saliva, and silver girl

ALEXI: that's not a lot

CHRIS: it isn't

MONKEY: lol it isn't

CHRIS: did the monkey just say lol

MONKEY: fuck you stop assuming shit

CHRIS: oh fuck it is talking

MONKEY: sir i am literally here dont talk about me like im not

CHRIS: sorry

chris turns away from it

CHRIS: guys we should dump the monkey

MONKEY: iM rIgHt HeRe

_it hits chris in the neck and he falls to the ground. his neck is now long and twisted like a curly fry_

BARBECUE: i think you broke his neck

MONKEY: he deserved it

BARBECUE: did he though

MONKEY: kinda 

_chris stands up,cracking his neck back into place_

BARBECUE: what in the fuck

CHRIS: wear your helmets kids

MONKEY: what kids

CHRIS: the kids watching this

BARBECUE: did we forget to put a disclaimer in the beginning saying children shouldnt watch this

CHRIS: well sometimes you put the tv on and this show is on

BARBECUE: but kids should not watch this show

MONKEY: i'm a kid

_everyone stares_

SILVIA: get out

_she throws the monkey across the world. it bonks into the house behind them as soon as it finishes circumnavigating the globe_

MONKEY: ouch my ass

_laugh track even though that wasn't funny_

_credits roll_

JESSICA: we need a house

SILVIA: youre not coming to mine


	17. language class: gourdish

_silvia is standing in front of a whiteboard, her friends sitting at desks watching her. also yes they got a new house since the old one burned down_

SILVIA: it's time for you guys to learn how to be fluent in gourdish. let's start with the basics: learning the alphabet

_she quickly writes ᗩ ᗷ ᑢ ᕲ ᘿ ᖴ ᘜ ᕼ ᓰ ᒚ ᖽᐸ ᒪ ᘻ ᘉ ᓍ ᕵ ᕴ ᖇ S ᖶ ᑘ ᐺ ᘺ ᙭ ᖻ ᗱ on the board_

BARBECUE: hey isn't that just the english alphabet in fancy writing

SILVIA: no shut up

BARBECUE: sorry

SILVIA: anyway they all make different sounds. ᗩ sounds like "bug"

CHRIS: you mean to tell me the letter that looks like an "a" sounds like "bug"

SILVIA: it's not an A, it's an ᗩ

CHRIS: what the fuck 

CHRIS: why cant we just speak english

SILVIA: because the gourd witnesses are prolly still after me, and i need you to pretend like you're one of them to protect me

CHRIS: alright you've convinced me

SILVIA: yes i appealed to your fragile masculinity

CHRIS: my what

SILVIA: what

SILVIA: anyway ᗷ sounds like "crap" 

BARBECUE: this is bullᗷ

JESSICA: i agree this is actually a useless language

SILVIA: not when you're being cornered by the gourd witnesses and they ask you what your last words are and you go "i dont know what youre saying"

SILVIA: imagine how dumb those last words would be

SILVIA: by the way for everyone the gourd witnesses have murdered -- i mean respectfully let go -- they do record their last words so

SILVIA: it's helpful to know

SILVIA: a common phrase is "ᖴᑘᑢᖽᐸ ᖻᓍᑘ" which is pronounced "givell zaw" 

JESSICA: how do i say "just remember that the person you're killing is jessica, who is the most fabulous person on earth.

SILVIA: ᒚᑘSᖶ ᖇᘿᘻᘿᘻᗷᘿᖇ ᖶᕼᗩᖶ ᖶᕼᘿ ᕵᘿᖇSᓍᘉ ᖻᓍᑘ'ᖇᘿ ᖽᐸᓰᒪᒪᓰᘉᘜ ᓰS ᒚᘿSSᓰᑢᗩ, ᘺᕼᓍ ᓰS ᖶᕼᘿ ᘻᓍSᖶ ᖴᗩᗷᑘᒪᓍᑘS ᕵᘿᖇSᓍᘉ ᓍᘉ ᘿᗩᖇᖶᕼ

_jessica makes a gargling noise_

SILVIA: close enough

BARBECUE: i have a question

BARBECUE: what is the point of this bullshit

SILVIA: this bullshit?

SILVIA: it's not bullshit

SILVIA: it is an essential survival skill

BARBECUE: in what world

SILVIA: this one

BARBECUE: you are the only person who knows how to speak it

SILVIA: do you realize that the gourd is the biggest and only religion in this world right

SILVIA: there are so many people that know how to speak this

SILVIA: you gotta learn

SILVIA: you do want to have some famous last words don't you

_barbecue shrugs_

BARBECUE: i dont really care

ALEXI: ooh ooh i do please

SILVIA: finally someone enthusiastic about my teachings

CHRIS: I AM TOO!!!!

_chris jumps into the air and knocks his desk over as he flails around wildly_

SILVIA: um

SILVIA: anyway

SILVIA: so

BARBECUE: what if we did this naked

SILVIA: why would we do that

BARBECUE: i dont know im so bored

SILVIA: or we could just put on music

BARBECUE:

BARBECUE: we should watch the notebook

SILVIA: wHY?

BARBECUE: why not

_silvia sighs_

SILVIA: fine but on one condition

ALEXI: what is it

SILVIA: it has to be in gourdish

_everyone sighs. jessica starts whining incoherently about how the notebook is a stupid movie_

_silvia puts the movie on and gourdish comes through the speakers_ _. jessica continues to whine, barbecue is slamming his head against his desk, alexi has fallen asleep, and jimothy is drawing on the desk. only chris, who is fuckin whipped for silvia, watches the movie_

CHRIS: this is so engaging and amazing

JIMOTHY: last week you said the notebook was a terrible movie

CHRIS: no it isn't it's a cinematic masterpiece right silvia

SILVIA: um no i'm only putting it on because barbecue told me to

CHRIS: uh i mean

CHRIS: this movie fucking sucks yall

_chris flips off the people on the screen. jimothy narrows his eyes, and he leans to whisper to chris_

JIMOTHY: you're so whipped for silvia dude

CHRIS: no i'm not

JIMOTHY: you literally just changed your answer to match hers

CHRIS: no i think this is a terrible movie

JIMOTHY: you just said you liked it

CHRIS: no i didn't

_everyone turns around to stare at him_

SILVIA: by the way, i'm not attracted to you chris

CHRIS: i knew that

CHRIS: i mean

CHRIS: i know that

CHRIS: i'm very ok with that

_chris turns to look at the camera and whispers_

CHRIS: i'm not very ok with that

JIMOTHY: what did you say

CHRIS: nOtHiNg

_he stands up and all the walls fall over_

ADAM: what the hell

ADAM: was that supposed to be like you stand up and push a desk over but instead everything else falls over

CHRIS: um

CHRIS: no

_chris hobbles away like hes an old man_

SILVIA: well

SILVIA: that was dramatic

JIMOTHY: he's so dramatic

JIMOTHY: he likes you

SILVIA: i know, jimothy

SILVIA: i'm not dense

BARBECUE: you kinda are

_silvia flips a chair in barbecue's face_

SILVIA: say that again bitch

BARBECUE: sorry

JESSICA: look who's talking

SILVIA: what?

JESSICA: youre a huge bitch

JESSICA: thats why youll never be a fan favorite youre just the gay character the writers sprinkled in here

SILVIA: half the cast is not straight!

JESSICA: im pretty sure you're the only one you havent named names

SILVIA: adam?

JESSICA: oh hes super straight

_adam walks in through the door_

ADAM: who is

SILVIA: apparently youre a cishettie now

_adam gasps_

ADAM: you take that back

ADAM: i am a cis male but i am not hettie

JESSICA: whats hettie

SILVIA: heterosexual 

JESSICA: but isnt he?

ADAM: nO

BARBECUE: i think we need to send jessica to a class on not being lowkey homophobic

JIMOTHY: i agree she's very homophobic

JESSICA: i am not afraid of ho--

JIMOTHY: we get it

* * *

_jessica is sitting at a desk. adam and silvia are at the front of the classroom. the rest of the squad (including chris bc he came back) is watching while leaning against a wall_

SILVIA: welcome to How To Not Be A Homophobe For Dummies 101

JESSICA: i'm not a dummy

SILVIA: shut up

ADAM: step one: don't be an asshole

_everyone applauds except jessica_

JESSICA: im not an asshole

JESSICA: if i have to be a body part i would definitely be a nipple

JESSICA: i exude nip energy

SILVIA: is that a thing

JESSICA: obviously

SILVIA:

SILVIA: okay

_silvia pulls out a large manila folder that is labeled jessica. she pulls out a piece of paper_

SILVIA: so it says here that your sexuality is

SILVIA: wait that cant be right

ADAM: what

SILVIA: 

SILVIA: what in the fuck

ADAM: what's wrong

SILVIA: look at this

_adam leans over to look at the folder. the camera pans to the folder and the viewer sees that jessica's sexuality is listed as pansexual_

SILVIA: jessica

SILVIA: you're pansexual

JESSICA: im

JESSICA: im what?

ADAM: pansexual

ADAM: you're attracted to everyone regardless of gender

SILVIA: but that doesn't make sense she's a massive homophobe

JESSICA: i am NOT afraid of homes

JESSICA: what does that even have to do with being sexually attracted to pans

ADAM: that's not what that is

ADAM: i literally just told you what it was

JESSICA: im sorry i dont listen to like 80 of the things you say

ADAM: i only talk like 80 times in each episode

JESSICA: exactly

ADAM: it's kind of sad the writers forgot about me until now

ADAM: at least they are making an effort to include me

JESSICA: you arent worth being included shut up adam

_adam sticks a straw in her ear_

ADAM: eat shit minnie mouse

SILVIA: adam what

ADAM: i dont know i think ive been around her for way too long

ADAM: i need a jessica break hold on a second

_he gargles and cold water flows out of his ears_

JESSICA: what the fuck

_the water flows around her and starts sucking her into the ground like a whirlpool_

JESSICA: aDAM

ADAM: bye bye boo bitch

_jessica screams as she is forcibly smashed into the floor multiple times by the whirlpool_

SILVIA: oh i like this

SILVIA: but what the fuck i wasnt aware you could do that

ADAM: neither was i

ADAM: but yet here we are

SILVIA: here we are

ADAM: i think i have magical powers

SILVIA: all the gays do

SILVIA: watch

_she concentrates very hard. soon a flame appears in her hand and she tosses it around like a ball_

ADAM: that's so cool

JESSICA: i wanna do that

ADAM: how are you still alive

CHRIS: also did you forget about us

BARBECUE: yeah we're still here

_the rest of the squad waves_

EVERYONE ELSE: we are here too

SILVIA: i forgot i made the entire town come here

WOMAN: are you a witch

_the crowd gasps_

SILVIA: no im a lesbian

_the crowd gasped_ _even harder_

WOMAN: a lESBIAN

MAN: we thought you were aMERICAN

SILVIA: oh for fucks sake not that again

ADAM: ooh vine i love vine

SILVIA: shut the fuck up no one cares what you like

ADAM: technically true no one remembers me

ADAM: even the writers forgot about me

ADAM: when they were coming up with dream casting they forgot to look for a faceclaim for me

ADAM: they only put me in the eighth episode because they forgot i wasnt the one who was murdered

SILVIA: wow

ADAM: i cant even say its homophobia because most of this cast is lgbt

SILVIA: the writers are also gay

SILVIA: so

ADAM: theyre adamphobes

SILVIA: what

ADAM: cau i fyny am eiliad

_he thinks_

ADAM: yeah adamphobes is definitely a real word

SILVIA: adam are you okay

SILVIA: are you having a stroke i can take you to the hospital

SILVIA: the closest hospital is in nevada but whatever

ADAM: what we dont even live close to nevada this is maryland

SILVIA: wait really

ADAM: have you not known that this whole time

SILVIA: i really dont pay attention to the news

ADAM: arent you the president

SILVIA: oh right

SILVIA: but why are we in maryland

SILVIA: that's a random place to be

ADAM: it was the first place that came to mind idk where we actually are

_silvia clobbers him on the head_

SILVIA: WHERE ARE WE

EVERYONE ELSE: you keep forgetting about us

CHRIS: yeah you keep talking about silvia and adam

BARBECUE: i don't care actually i'm just here

ALEXI: this isn't fair i want to have more episodes adam can continue being a forgotten shit

JIMOTHY: what is happening

JESSICA: i'm a narcissist the spotlight needs to be on me at all times please

WRITERS: shut the fuck up

_they kick everyone out of the scene. now it's just silvia and adam in a blank white space_

SILVIA: woah what the fuck where did everyone go

ADAM: better yet

ADAM: where in the hell are we

SILVIA: well it seems to just be a white space

ADAM: yes i see that but why

WRITERS: we brought you here

WRITERS: to the blank space we were born in

ADAM: but why

WRITERS: because you two are our favorite gays

WRITER ONE: wait actually my favorite duo is jimothy and silvia they're good friends

SILVIA: im not sure thats true

SILVIA: i put up with him

_jimothy appears and makes a 🥺 face_

JIMOTHY: you do what with me??

SILVIA: shut the fuck up

_she drags adam by the arm and leads him offscreen_

_credits roll_

EVERYONE: we are still here


	18. backstory

_jessica is talking animatedly with barbecue and alexi when silvia walks in, looking tired_

SILVIA: prepare yourselves. jimothy caught the cringe disease

ALEXI: the what

_jimothy skips into the room, wearing a shirt that says UWU I'M AN UWU UWU UWU LOVE ME_

ALEXI: oh hell nah

ALEXI: get the fuck outta here

JIMOTHY: why

JIMOTHY: what'd i do

JIMOTHY: uwu

ALEXI: i hate uwu people go aWAY

JESSICA: literally end me please

BARBECUE: i second that motion

JIMOTHY: uwu why do you hate me? sad face noises <3 (｡•́︿•̀｡)rawrXD lol hehehe ówò

JESSICA: barbecue and i are officially disowning you as our brother this is unacceptable

BARBECUE: exactly we are

BARBECUE: alexi can you take him

ALEXI: hell no

JIMOTHY: uwu i feel like the monkey in the middle

JESSICA: you'll be the monkey in the grave if you keep this shit up

JIMOTHY: ówò scawy rawr XD sksksksk

_jessica pulls out a roll of tape from in between her tiddies and slaps a piece across jimothy's face_

JIMOTHY: mmf mmf mmf mmf

JESSICA: much better

BARBECUE: but what do we do once we take the tape off

JESSICA: we're not taking it off

BARBECUE: we have to it would raise some questions

JESSICA: everything i do raises questions

JESSICA: one more thing wont kill me

SILVIA: you might be arrested for kidnapping 

SILVIA: they might think he's a hostage

JESSICA: nah the budget fbi is off my case for right now they ran out of celery

SILVIA: the what now

ALEXI: i was never aware that the budget fbi still exists

ALEXI: now i gotta run from the sky police and the budget fbi?

JESSICA: guess so

_she flips her hair into alexi's face_

ALEXI: ow what was that for

JESSICA: an insult, you bitch

JESSICA: now run away like the coward you are

_alexi punches jessica in the face_

ALEXI: i think youre the one who will be arrested he's your brother

_the police enter_

POLICE: who kidnapped this man

_alexi and silvia immediately point at barbecue and jessica, who are then handcuffed_

BARBECUE: goddammit

JESSICA: fuck you

SILVIA, WAVING: love you too you smelly bean trunk

* * *

POLICE: so

POLICE: why did you kidnap that man

BARBECUE: we didn't

JESSICA: we didn't honestly officer

POLICE: but the other people said you did

BARBECUE: do you know that lying is a thing

POLICE: yes but its only legal to lie if youre a police officer

JESSICA: no it isn't

POLICE: wait really

JESSICA: yeah i took a college class about the law like 6 episodes ago

POLICE: wait aren't you those guys from the barbecue show

BARBECUE: my name is literally barbecue you are looking at my id right now

BARBECUE: how many barbecues did you think were in this city

POLICE: oh theres like eight

BARBECUE: how many dinosaur barbecues though

POLICE: eight

POLICE: and theyre all gay

BARBECUE: what

BARBECUE: im not

BARBECUE: arent i one of the eight barbecues

POLICE: actually, this id says your name is "babycue washington"

BARBECUE:

BARBECUE: sorry what

JESSICA: wait your name isn't barbecue

BARBECUE: it is

BARBECUE: i don't know what "babycue" is

POLICE: also it says your name is jessica candie on one of your ids but the other one says jessica washington

BARBECUE: isn't it illegal to have two ids

JESSICA: um

JESSICA: the washington one is my old one

JESSICA: i changed my last name to candie because it sounded better

BARBECUE: hm

BARBECUE: did jimothy change his name

JESSICA: well legally his name is sexy james candie-washington

BARBECUE: why sexy james

JESSICA: im gonna tell you a secret

JESSICA: you cant tell the government officials

BARBECUE: we're in a police station

JESSICA: my name isnt jessica

JESSICA: its sexy jessie candie

BARBECUE: ok but why

JESSICA: our parents named us "sexy jessie" and "sexy james" but we didn't like that so we rescued a few of our siblings and burned down the rest of the cult

BARBECUE: oh now i remember

BARBECUE: i was there

JESSICA: yes you were

POLICE: a cult?

JESSICA: yeah

POLICE: what was this cult

JESSICA: it was the sexy pokemon cult

POLICE: oh dear god

POLICE: you're that sexy jessie washington

BARBECUE: wait you were in that

JESSICA: you were in it too remember

_flashback to ten years ago_

_tiny jessica dances sexily with a fish_

_barbecue is like 20 something and has a mullet_

_he is holding a cup full of tears and seashells_

JESSICA: barbecrino come play with me and my fishy friend

BARBECUE: not my name but ok

_he walks over to her when suddenly george washington walks out to them_

WASHINGTON: alright children time to go to church

JESSICA: but dad

WASHINGTON: you have to go and learn to worship our lord and savior fungus man

BARBECUE: who

WASHINGTON: fungus man

WASHINGTON: have your mother and i taught you nothing

BARBECUE: i guess not

_he is whacked on the head with a brick and knocked out_

WASHINGTON: bad child

_his wife chacha comes outside. washington hands her barbecue's body_

WASHINGTON: he needs some more brainwashing

CHACHA: what the hell hasnt he watched enough teletubbies

WASHINGTON: not like that

WASHINGTON: like literally take out his brain and wash it clean of all its memories

CHACHA: but he might die

WASHINGTON: well

WASHINGTON: its for his own good 

CHACHA: is 

CHACHA: is it

WASHINGTON: no

CHACHA: i'll kill you

WASHINGTON: not if i kill you first

_flashback ends_

BARBECUE: that's not what happened

JESSICA: what

BARBECUE: that's not how they died

BARBECUE: we and mila and lucy and jimothy and itchy and probably someone else im forgetting hid outside their church while they did a ritual and burned it down

JESSICA: oh

JESSICA: well my memory is a little fuzzy i was young

BARBECUE: wait did i just remember something about the cult

JESSICA: apparently

BARBECUE: i'm both proud and sad of myself

JESSICA: how do you be sad of yourself

BARBECUE: don't question me JESSICA

_he pushes her and she falls hard on her ass. a plastic easter egg bounces out of her hair_

JESSICA: woah where did that come from

BARBECUE: it isn't even easter though

JESSICA: well

JESSICA: i am just so mysterious

BARBECUE: how did i not see that you have the thinnest hair on this planet

JESSICA: let a girl have her secrets

BARBECUE: your secrets are concerning me

JESSICA: i said let a girl have her secrets

BARBECUE: i didnt ask for any i was just--

JESSICA: shh sh sh

JESSICA: lot o gorl hovo hor socrots

_everyone stares at her like she grew fifty five toes out of her eyeballs_

POLICE: what kind of simile was that

_the writers lean down_

WRITERS: sorry

_they leave_

POLICE: that didnt answer my question but

WRITERS: hahah we are back and we're here to promote dorito flavored nacho gummy pizza

BARBECUE: that sounds disgusting

WRITERS: eat it

_they shove it into barbecue's mouth. he spits it out_

BARBECUE: that tastes like shit

WRITERS: we'll cut your pay grade if you don't eat it

_barbecue eats the dorito flavored nacho gummy pizza off the ground_

BARBECUE: i think my arteries are going to explode

WRITERS: good that was the purpose

WRITERS: it makes for some drama

_they leave_

BARBECUE: i'm gonna pass out

JESSICA: no don't babe

_the camera cuts to barbecue's vision. it goes blurry_

BARBECUE: don't call me babe

_it fades to black_

* * *

_we're now in a long forgotten barbecue memory_

BARBECUE: all i said was i wanted some chicken

BARBECUES MOM: when i left you in that garbage can i said you were a loser and you were and you still are and you will never not be a loser

BARBECUE: but im hungies

B-MOM: shut the fuck up i'm tired of your bullshit

BARBECUE: what's bullshit

B-MOM: it's the poop from a male cow

BARBECUE: but i'm not a male cow

BARBECUE: and i've never pooped in my entire life

BARBECUE: wait a second is the fact that you have no name supposed to mean that i'm not related to jessica and my mom isn't actually chacha

BARBECUE: what the fuck is going on

B-MOM: i dont know this is a very distant memory

BARBECUE: please dont let jessica be my sister

B-MOM: if it makes you feel any better

B-MOM: she's actually not technically even real

B-MOM: see

_she points at jessica, who has just appeared. half her face is gone and underneath it is a bunch of robot parts_

BARBECUE: what the fuck shes a robot

BARBECUE: i mean this explains a lot but seriously this isnt even the finale why is there so much plot change in this episode

B-MOM: dont ask questions, my son

B-MOM: all will be known soon

_meanwhile, while barbecue is knocked out, everyone is standing around him. they were called to the police station because they were barbecue and jessica's emergency contacts_

SILVIA: do you think he knows that the voice of whoever he is sleep talking to is just me talking to him

ADAM: idk he looks like he's in a deep ass sleep

JIMOTHY: what's an ass sleep

ADAM: 

ADAM: yknow what? im not even gonna explain

JIMOTHY: im 16

ADAM: yes you have established that

ADAM: what does that have to do with our current situation

JIMOTHY: it doesnt i just feel like i need to constantly remind people

POLICE: why is there a minor here

JIMOTHY: uh i mean

JIMOTHY: i'm 16

JIMOTHY: thousand years old

_he smiles_

POLICE: you look young as hell

JIMOTHY: it's my skin cream

JIMOTHY: you seem to be in need of some do you want reccomendations

POLICE: excuse-moi

JIMOTHY: oh you dont speak english sorry

JIMOTHY: voulez-vous mon creme

POLICE: i literally just spoke english dumbass

ADAM: wait you know french

JIMOTHY: yeah jessica made me take a language class so i would grow up slightly smart

JIMOTHY: i know french and she knows dutch

ADAM: she knows literal keysmash

JIMOTHY: je sais je sais elle a vraiment fait

ADAM: i think you have forgotten that i cannot speak french

_credits roll_

POLICE, JESSICA, SILVIA, ALEXI, AND CHRIS: we're still here

JIMOTHY AND ADAM: puis pars, chiennes


	19. methamphetamine

JESSICA: guys guess what

CHRIS: what

JESSICA: i found barbecues meth stash

_alexi runs into the room and inhales half the bag_

JESSICA: not this thing again. cheryl was a coke whore, alexi's a meth whore

ALEXI: i prefer the phrase "meth head" because it goes to my head

JESSICA: do any of you ever stop to think about how i might want some meth too

JESSICA: maybe i should get into crack

JESSICA: that could be my thing

_jimothy runs into the room with a bag of crack and inhales half the bag_

JESSICA: why do you all steal the drugs i want to use

ALEXI: the adrenaline

_alexi shoots up into the air and into the sky_

JESSICA: woah look at them go

JIMOTHY: theyre certainly high on adrenaline now

CHRIS: woah can i get some of that

JESSICA: well i think barbecue had a bag of we--

_silvia runs into the room with a bag of weed and inhales half the bag_

JESSICA: god fucking dammit

JESSICA: why do you all do this

SILVIA: because our mission is to make you stop taking drugs, jessica

JESSICA: and you're gonna do that by taking all the drugs yourself

SILVIA: yes

SILVIA: hopefully i don't get addicted to like oxy or something

JESSICA: what's oxy

JESSICA: oxygen

CHRIS: no

CHRIS: you can't get addicted to oxygen

SILVIA: yes you can we're all addicted that's why we breathe it in

SILVIA: by the way you are now all aware of your own breathing 

_she smiles_

CHRIS: oh god why did i ever like you

SILVIA: oh my god did you finally get over me

CHRIS:

CHRIS: 

CHRIS: definitely?

_chris turns red and spaghetti noodles away_

SILVIA: did he just spaghetti noodle away

JIMOTHY: how do you even do that

JIMOTHY: what is "spaghetti noodling"

_they look at jessica, the only other remaining cast member. she shrugs and just wiggles erratically while pouring spaghetti sauce on herself_

SILVIA: hm

SILVIA: not the explanation or demonstration i asked for

JIMOTHY: was that sauce actual sauce or the preggo juice she drinks

_they look at jessica and make disgusted face noises_

SILVIA: eugh

JIMOTHY: yeah

JIMOTHY: definitely the preggo juice she drinks

JIMOTHY: how does it smell like dick and also uterus blood at the same time

SILVIA: why do you know what either of those smell like

JIMOTHY: please dont ask 

SILVIA: i am asking now answer

JIMOTHY: no

JIMOTHY: i simply am unable to

_silvia looks at jessica, who is now throwing the sauce into the air and trying to catch it in her mouth_

SILVIA: um

SILVIA: i don't like this at all

JIMOTHY: she must be addicted to oxygen now that she's doing this shit

SILVIA: again

SILVIA: we are all addicted to oxygen

SILVIA: we literally can not live without it

JIMOTHY: i can

_he holds his breath_

SILVIA: good luck with that

_she leaves. jimothy is still holding his breath_

* * *

_jimothy is still holding his breath. it is dark. silvia enters the room, swaddled in a comforter with really messy hair_

SILVIA: are you a god or something i went to sleep two days ago

_jimothy shrugs_

SILVIA: you know that it is afternoon and i just closed all the windows and doors

SILVIA: i'm like a bear except i hibernate for a really short time

_jimothy nods_

SILVIA: you

SILVIA: you can breathe if you want to

_jimothy shakes his head and starts doing sign language_

SILVIA: i dont know sign language

SILVIA: at least not the kind you know

SILVIA: is that german sign language

SILVIA: do you know german

_jimothy nods_

SILVIA: sigh

SILVIA: you know, you're a good friend

SILVIA: but you do a lot of dumbass shit

SILVIA: you can BREATHE, you know

_jimothy grabs a notepad and a pencil and writes on it_

JIMOTHY(on the notepad): no i have to win this bet

SILVIA: it wasnt a bet

SILVIA: everyone is worried for you

JIMOTHY: fuck them

JIMOTHY: the cult taught me how to survive without air for at least two weeks

SILVIA: what the fuck

SILVIA: did they

SILVIA: did they suffocated you for two weeks

JIMOTHY: maybe more

SILVIA: jesus fuck

SILVIA: are you okay

JIMOTHY: no

JIMOTHY: never

_he smiles_

SILVIA: don't do that

SILVIA: you need to go to a therapist or something

JIMOTHY: no

JIMOTHY: never

SILVIA: you should really go to one

JIMOTHY: i dont wanna 

JIMOTHY: im still in my sweet sixteen

SILVIA: that means literally nothing you should have better mental health than this

JIMOTHY: but i dont want to

JIMOTHY: i dont want to be better than jessica

SILVIA: why not

JIMOTHY: i dont know

SILVIA: do you know anything

JIMOTHY: no

SILVIA: did you go to school either

JIMOTHY: technica

_he floats away midsentence_

SILVIA: why does this keep happening

JIMOTHY: ghOOOOST

SILVIA: you stop that

_jimothy suddenly drops to the ground_

JIMOTHY: ouch

SILVIA: that's what i thought, biotch

JIMOTHY: im not a bench

SILVIA: i never said you were???

JIMOTHY: yuh huh

SILVIA: what are you

SILVIA: eight

SILVIA: who says "yuh huh"

JIMOTHY: i'm sixteen but go off

SILVIA: no i was asking you if you're eight

JIMOTHY: technically

JIMOTHY: eight plus eight is sixteen

_barbecue runs into the room_

BARBECUE: hi i'm now a meth teacher

SILVIA: a math teacher?

BARBECUE: no

BARBECUE: a meth teacher

SILVIA: oh right we all inhaled a shit ton of drugs two days ago

SILVIA: i wonder how the others are doing

SILVIA: i mean i know jimothy is probably dying he took a ton of crack and is now holding his breath

SILVIA: but alexi might be dead

* * *

meanwhile

_alexi is in a gas station, licking the windows_

EMPLOYEE: ma'am you need to stop licking the windows

ALEXI: im not a ma'am dont you use your gender binary pronouns on me

EMPLOYEE: you can be a dolphin for all i care just stop licking the window

ALEXI: do you have any lsd

ALEXI: i want to try that next

EMPLOYEE:

EMPLOYEE: yeah just buy some fun dip im sure theres something in that stuff

ALEXI: perfect

_they turn away from the employee for a second, and when they turn back the employee is now chris_

ALEXI: what the

CHRIS: surpriiiiiise

ALEXI: this isn't a welcome surprise

ALEXI: i literally hate you

CHRIS: how we've literally never interacted in our entire lives

ALEXI: oh we have but i just don't want to ever remember ever talking to you because you're worse than adam and jimothy combined

CHRIS: wait why

ALEXI: youre a white cishet male and they freak me out

ALEXI: youre also a fuckboy

CHRIS: ive literally never fucked anyone i am a virgin

ALEXI: and youre going after a lesbian

ALEXI: unwanted advanced arent cool, dude

CHRIS: im curry

ALEXI: what

ALEXI: shouldnt you be saying "im sorry"

CHRIS: no

_he spins around and turns into a bowl of curry_

CHRIS: it's not delivery it's bonjourno

ALEXI: what the actual fuck just happened

CHRIS: im really not sure i dont know how to get back

ALEXI:

ALEXI: i cant tell if you're here or if im tripping balls

* * *

_she was in fact tripping balls but chris was actually there_

ALEXI: shouldn't you be saying im sorry

CHRIS: for what

ALEXI: what the actual fuck just happened

CHRIS: you asked me a question and i answered it's how a conver-

ALEXI: i cant tell if you're here or if im tripping balls

CHRIS: well i'm here but you're still tripping balls

_alexi falls on the floor and turns into a bowl of curry_

CHRIS: ok now i might be ripping balls

ALEXI: don't you mean tripping?

CHRIS: no

CHRIS: ripping

_he runs into a room off screen. a tearing sound is heard. he comes back_

CHRIS: i ripped balls

CHRIS: on an unrelated note

CHRIS: there is a body that needs to be cleaned up on aisle 5

ALEXI: huh

ALEXI: youre more interesting than i thought

ALEXI: wanna bang

CHRIS: what

ALEXI: wanna bang

CHRIS: bang what

ALEXI: our bodies

ALEXI: together

ALEXI: sexually

_beat_

CHRIS: did you just explain sexual intercourse to me

ALEXI: well obviously you don't understand the slang for it and that makes it awkward, _christopherlies acrylia pani smith_

CHRIS: how did you speak in italics

ALEXI: well i emphasized my words you see bc you're a dumbass

CHRIS: why are you so mean to me

ALEXI: havent i told you that youre everything thats bad in this world

CHRIS: well

CHRIS: yes

ALEXI: then theres your answer

_alexi leaves through the big hole in the ground. chris shrugs, then faceplants to the floor_

* * *

_we transition to adam and barbecue, who are in a back alleyway for some reason_

ADAM: why are we here

ADAM: i don't like this at all

BARBECUE: this is where i purchase my drugs

BARBECUE: i brought you along just because

BARBECUE: i hope you know martial arts because silvia usually goes with me and she impresses my drug dealer with her martial arts skills

ADAM: i don't have martial arts skills but

ADAM: i can absorb shit and turn it into cocaine

BARBECUE: wait really

BARBECUE: what am i wasting my money on then

ADAM: well it's really painful for m-

BARBECUE: doesnt matter 

BARBECUE: if i feed you a dog shit will you vomit out cocaine

ADAM: not exactly

ADAM: maybe you should rewatch the seventh episode then it will make sense

_barbecue flips through the script_

BARBECUE: oh wait

BARBECUE: so i throw the dog shit at you and you absorb it?

ADAM: id rather you didnt its not a pleasant exper-

_barbecue leaves for a few minutes, and then comes back with a paper towel full of shit_

ADAM: that looks way too big to be a dog shit

BARBECUE: i don't have a dog so im just using my shit 

ADAM: no i can't do th--

_barbecue throws the paper towel of shit at adam. it bounces off adam and lands on barbecue's stomach, sticking there_

BARBECUE: well great now i have my own shit stuck to my stomach

ADAM: but you were gonna be fine if it stuck to me

BARBECUE: well obviously

ADAM: how the fuck did that even bounce off of me am i made of rubber

BARBECUE: lol ur a magic man

ADAM: im not though

BARBECUE: oh

_credits roll_

ADAM: well that episode ended sadly

BARBECUE: would you like me to throw more shit at you for comedic purposes

ADAM: no thank you


	20. siberia 4 prez part two

SILVIA: i can't lose my position as president in the upcoming election what do i do

CHRIS: this looks like a job for christopher

_he does a dramatic transformation into a fancy business suit_

SILVIA: what

SILVIA: your full name is christopher

CHRIS: actually, it's christopherlies acrylia pani smith

SILVIA:

_silvia bursts out laughing_

CHRIS: what?

SILVIA: your name is so fancy and then it's just "smith"

CHRIS: and that is funny because...

_barbecue walks in_

BARBECUE: christopherlies acrylia pani smith, what are you wearing

CHRIS: hi dad

SILVIA: wait what

CHRIS: sorry for breaking dress code

BARBECUE: you know we don't wear suits in this household son

BARBECUE: change out of that right now

_chris sighs, then strips down to only his underwear and socks_

SILVIA: i'm still confused

SILVIA: chris is barbecue's son

BARBECUE: no it's a fun game we play 

CHRIS: sigh

CHRIS: i wish i had a dad

CHRIS: unfortunately, a rabid big bird ate him

SILVIA: sorry what

SILVIA: what is this game

CHRIS: no that part is real

SILVIA: i

BARBECUE: his dad was eaten by a griffin

BARBECUE: it's a long sad story

CHRIS: it's not actually the story is that he was eaten by a griffin and that's the end

BARBECUE: i was trying to hype you up but ok

CHRIS: how is my dad getting eaten by a griffin a topic worth hyping up

CHRIS: i can't even stretch that into a long story

SILVIA: if you guys are able to do it, i'll make one of you my vice president

SILVIA: the story is judged on length and fantasticality

SILVIA: and then we really do need to start working on my campaign so

CHRIS:

BARBECUE:

CHRIS:

BARBECUE:

CHRIS:

BARBECUE:

CHRIS:

BARBECUE:

_chris pulls out a pen and paper and starts writing furiously_

CHRIS: oh i'm gonna beat your purple ass

_barbecue pulls out a paper and pen and starts writing furiously_

BARBECUE: not if i beat yours first

CHRIS: i don't

CHRIS: i don't have a purple ass

CHRIS: but sure

* * *

SILVIA: alright what do you have for me

_chris holds up a giant computer thats the size of silvias body_

_it scans her body, and projects a large version of her face onto the screen_

SCREEN SILVIA: howdy im silvia wigglesworth and im running for president again

SCREEN SILVIA: im not sure why because a year hasn't even passed but whatever

_screen silvia does a little dance_

SCREEN SILVIA: also im single ladies

_screen silvia winks_

SILVIA: what the fuck was that

SCREEN SILVIA: this is your promotion

SILVIA: holy shit it talks back to me?

CHRIS: i had jimothy program it

CHRIS: it only has to take one scan of you and then can act as you on video in case you can't be there

CHRIS: all you have to do is answer a few questions and soon it will answer everything just like you would

CHRIS: now you won't even have to show up for the election, we can just wheel this in and say that you couldn't show up, but you're at home on a video call

SILVIA: um

SILVIA: okay?

SILVIA: you were supposed to drag out your dad's death scene into an epic novella though

CHRIS: did i beat barbecues purple ass

SILVIA: i havent seen his yet

_barbecue hands her a napkin that just says "silvia" on it_

SILVIA: holy shit this is just what i need

CHRIS: 

CHRIS:

CHRIS:

CHRIS: youve gotta be fucking kidding me

_silvia prances away, bringing chris' tv with her_

* * *

_fast forward to the election_

SILVIA: wow i am winning just as expected

SILVIA: no thanks to you guys

_she points at barbecue and chris, who look appalled_

BARBECUE: bitch we created everything you used in your campaign and you have the audacity to say "no thanks to you guys" to us

CHRIS: i cant believe like what the fuck

SILVIA: :)

_barbecue and chris are unsettled_

CHRIS: um what 

SILVIA: this is my threatening face

SILVIA: now shut the fuck up or i'll put you on death row as soon as i win the election again

CHRIS: why do i like you so much

SILVIA: i dont know

SILVIA: i would love it if you stopped that

CHRIS: hahahaha never

SILVIA: okay then

_she slaps him in the face_

SILVIA: time to win this bitch

BARBECUE: what bitch

SILVIA: the election

SILVIA: it's a bitch

BARBECUE: maybe

BARBECUE: _you're_ the bitch

_silvia hits him with a tv set_

SILVIA: who's the bitch now

BARBECUE: it's still you 

BARBECUE: you just hit me with a tv set

SILVIA: fair point

_silvia skeet skeets out of the room. chris does the worm_

CHRIS: i wanna watch the election live

BARBECUE: then do it

CHRIS: ok

_chris and barbecue sit down to watch the tv_

CHRIS: wheres the remote

BARBECUE: are you sitting on it

CHRIS: no id feel it if i was

BARBECUE: just stand up

CHRIS: no what if youre sitting on it

_barbecue sits further into the couch_

CHRIS: stand UP you big fat log

_barbecue sinks deeper into the couch_

CHRIS: nOOOO

_barbecue coughs. the remote flies out of the microwave_

CHRIS: what the

CHRIS: how did it get in there

BARBECUE: cough cough

CHRIS: did you just say cough cough

BARBECUE: so what if i did am i being suspicious

CHRIS: a little, yeah

CHRIS: you're being

_he winks at the camera_

CHRIS: sUS

_beat_

BARBECUE: literally stop

CHRIS: ok sorry

_the tv turns on to show the election. silvia and drump's faces are onscreen_

CHRIS: oh boy i hope she wins

BARBECUE: oh boy i hope someone gets shot

CHRIS: what why

BARBECUE: politics are boring

CHRIS: silvia is there are you saying you want her to get shot

BARBECUE: a little bit, yeah

CHRIS: stop

CHRIS: leave my house 

BARBECUE: this is MY house you idiot bitch

he kicks chris in the ear. cotton flies out

CHRIS: no my ear tissue

BARBECUE: what

_the tv keeps playing. silvia is winning against drump_

SILVIA: i promise constant orgasms to all can my opponent promise that?

SILVIA: definitely not

_a reporter yells out to her_

REPORTER: how are you gonna give constant orgasms

SILVIA: i have magic

REPORTER: woaH

REPORTER: wait i feel like constant orgasms might be a bad thing

CROWD: yeah

SILVIA: uh uh

SILVIA: well if i become president all you have to do is say my name and i'll give you an orgasm for as long as you want whenever you want

SILVIA: that way it's a choice

REPORTER: hm interesting

SILVIA: i know

_silvia dances_

SILVIA: also i'm single ladies

_she does a slow motion wink that lasts for 5 minutes_

REPORTER: well

REPORTER: that was silvia wigglesworth, one of the candities fo yo' prezzz

CHRIS: one of the whats

BARBECUE: idk either

_the election continues playing_

REPORTER: alright and next we have tonald drump, silvia's opponent

REPORTER: sir what will you be doing to beat silvia

DRUMP: i will be playing 80s japanese bubble pop songs to distract you all from our failing economy

_he pulls out a boombox and starts dancing erratically even though he didn't actually turn the boombox on yet_

SILVIA: um

SILVIA: what the fuck

DRUMP: you're hired

SILVIA: what the fuck just happened

SILVIA: who is hired

REPORTER: and there is your other canditie fo prezzzzzzzzzzie

SILVIA: i promise that my coworker jessica candie will take her top off

_the crowd screams_

REPORTER: im not even straight and i like the sound of that im in

DRUMP: what

SILVIA: have you not watched the famed tv show barbecue the priorities dinosaur

DRUMP: i have

DRUMP: what's so great about jessica candie taking her top off

SILVIA: people like her

DRUMP: psshhh no they don't

* * *

_election day_

_the votes are flooding in for mostly silvia_

_drump only has 69_

DRUMP: holy shit they _do_ like jessica

SILVIA: well

SILVIA: they really like her body

SILVIA: jessica will take any excuse to take her top off

SILVIA: but hAHAHA BITCH I WON

_silvia does the yeehaws dance and accidentally kicks drump in the face. he rolls down the stairs and dies_

REPORTER: oh

REPORTER: oh damn

REPORTER: someone call the morgue

SILVIA: actually i decree that dead people can be dumped into the ocean for the mermaids to eat

REPORTER: the what

SILVIA: the mermaids

SILVIA: you can rewatch this later if you don't believe you're hearing what you're hearing

SILVIA: and now for a special video by screen me, come here chris

_chris holds up a giant computer thats the size of silvias body_

_it scans her body, and projects a large version of her face onto the screen_

SCREEN SILVIA: howdy im silvia wigglesworth 

SCREEN SILVIA: mermaids are real

_screen silvia does a little dance_

SCREEN SILVIA: also mermaids are single ladies

_screen silvia winks_

REPORTER: what the fuck was that

SILVIA: im not sure

SILVIA: i dont remember saying to film that

CHRIS: but you did you filmed this the other night and told me the screen must not do anything but this

CHRIS: granted

CHRIS: you were very wasted but im afraid of you

SILVIA: but i filmed two videos and i told you to show the best one

CHRIS: unfortunately this is the better one of the two

_he rescans silvia, and the computer projects a large version of her face onto the screen to start showing the other video clip_

SCREEN SILVIA: IM A FERAL BAT BITCHES

_screen silvia starts to rapidly shake_

SCREEN SILVIA: S I N G L E L A D I E E E E E E E E S

SILVIA: what the fuck

CHRIS: i know

CHRIS: this is why i picked the other one

CHRIS: it was your more...coherent one

CHRIS: also i don't think being a feral bat that wants women is going to win over the USA

SILVIA: what, me saying that mermaids are real and that i want women is

REPORTER: it won me over

EVERYONE ELSE: me too

SILVIA: wow i didn't know my words had so much influence on people

EVERYONE: being gay is okay

SILVIA: i mean

SILVIA: i kinda knew that already

SILVIA: after all i am gay

SILVIA: support gay rights you hoes

SILVIA: and trans rights too

SILVIA: just be a decent person its not that hard yknow

_credits roll_

_screen silvia appears_

SCREEN SILVIA: im still single ladies

SILVIA: are you fUCKing kIDDIng mE thERes mORe


	21. priorities

BARBECUE: what was the point of this show again

ALEXI: you're teaching people about adulthood

BARBECUE: what have i taught them

ALEXI: literally nothing

BARBECUE: fuck

BARBECUE: i need to get my priorities straight

ALEXI: you're right

ALEXI: you do

BARBECUE: ok

BARBECUE: let me spout out some bullshit

_a whiteboard appears and barbecue scribbles incoherent words and doodles on it_

BARBECUE: point 1: hold a frog. it will love you.

BARBECUE: point 2: adulthood is bitchy

BARBECUE: point 3: i like blood i am not edward cullen

ALEXI: uhh

ALEXI: i didn't mean like that

BARBECUE: but it's bullshit

ALEXI: not that kind like helpful bullshit

BARBECUE: uh

_he scribbles more incoherent words and doodles_

BARBECUE: point 1: break someone's pinky by bending it backwards until it touches their wrist

BARBECUE: point 2: you can eat tree bark

BARBECUE: point 3: if someone's looks like they're gonna attack you, pull out your keys and put them between your fingers like wolverine. then slice that shit. that person is dead in seconds

ALEXI: can you _actually_ eat tree bark though like isn't that shit all dirty n nasty

BARBECUE: you eat the inner bark you idiot when you eat eggs do you eat the inside or do you eat the shell

ALEXI: sorry sorry

ALEXI: also i don't eat eggs im lactose-

BARBECUE: you're a pussy

ALEXI: no my body

BARBECUE: dont be a pussy and eat your real man egg lunch

ALEXI: huh

ALEXI: what exactly is a "real man egg lunch"

BARBECUE: it's a

BARBECUE: uh

BARBECUE: actually i don't know

ALEXI: then how am i supposed to eat one

_barbecue shrugs_

ALEXI: that was extremely disturbing never do that again

BARBECUE: damn i just shrugged

BARBECUE: i have questions too

ALEXI: then don't ever have questions you dumbass you're the one who is supposed to be answering these questions

ALEXI: you're teaching people about adulthood

BARBECUE: i know that but no one ever asked me to do so

BARBECUE: i've lived a comfortable life here with my beer, drugs, and boring sex life that is sometimes interrupted by jessica

BARBECUE: and also sadly sometimes involves jessica but we never need to talk about that

ALEXI: sorry what

ALEXI: isn't she your sister

BARBECUE: yeah she forgot to tell me that before we got married

ALEXI: you did what

BARBECUE: oh yeah i forgot you weren't around for that

ALEXI: i

ALEXI: isn't that incest

_barbecue shrugs_

ALEXI: what am i saying of course it's incest

ALEXI: is this what adulthood is about

BARBECUE: hopefully not

BARBECUE: this is just my sad adult life

BARBECUE: and my sister is mentally unstable and decided not to tell me we were related after knowing that my memory was wiped by a hypnotist

ALEXI: sorry what

BARBECUE: too much of my life has been scarring

ALEXI: i

ALEXI: i'm really sorry

BARBECUE: it's fine

BARBECUE: i mastered hypnosis on myself so i can forget it when i want to

ALEXI: when would you not want to

BARBECUE: when i argue with jessica about how much of a horrible sister she was i can pull out evidence

_he opens his head and pulls out part of his brain_

ALEXI: did not need to see that but okay

BARBECUE: we all see things we didnt need to see

BARBECUE: but maybe it is destiny to see them

_beat_

ALEXI: no i think it's just the gourd being an asshole

BARBECUE: you're probably right

BARBECUE: by the way i have no clue how to put this back in

ALEXI: im not helping you with this that is disgusting i may have murdered at least 3 people during this episode but i have morals

BARBECUE: wait what

ALEXI: what

BARBECUE: murderersayswhat

ALEXI: what

_barbecue gasps_

BARBECUE: _i knew it_

ALEXI: i literally told you that i was a murderer of course you knew it

ALEXI: dumbass

ALEXI: you were there when i killed damian

BARBECUE: thats true but

BARBECUE: idk you look so innocent

_alexi literally has blood in their hair_

BARBECUE: like a flower or a little baby bee

ALEXI: hAH

ALEXI: flowers and baby bees don't have blood in their hair

BARBECUE: flowers don't have hair alexi

ALEXI: well 

ALEXI: they dont have blood on their petals either

BARBECUE: im sure thats just red marker in your hair why did you even bring up blood

ALEXI: because it is blood that is in my hair

BARBECUE: no it isn't

ALEXI: yes it is its my hair i know whats in it you dont

BARBECUE: no it isn't because while you were asleep jimothy colored your hair with a sharpie

ALEXI: he did wHAt

BARBECUE: yeah i saw him

ALEXI: and you were at my house whY?

BARBECUE: um

_beat_

BARBECUE: i was having a midnight snack

ALEXI: aT MY HOUSE????

BARBECUE: uM?????

BARBECUE: yES????

_alexi grabs a glass and throws it at barbecue. the shards shatter and fly into his asshole_

BARBECUE: ouchie my asshole of dreams

ALEXI: sorry your what

BARBECUE: havent you ever wondered where dreams come from

ALEXI: no

BARBECUE: who cares we are going into a flashback story

ALEXI: no i dont want-

_flashback time_

_in a dark void, a purple cloud appears_

CLOUD: i am a dream 💜 

CLOUD: i am about nothing bc the person dreaming me cannot remember their dream 💜

_they open their mouth and it's another void. the camera falls inside and travels into its stomach, where a ton of crying, afraid clouds are inside_

CLOUD NUMBER ONE: kill me

CLOUD NUMBER TWO: give me all your drugsssssssssssssssssssss

CLOUD NUMBER THREE: nipple sauce sure would be good right now on my birthday loaf

CLOUD NUMBER ONE (C1): what's nipple sauce

C3: i don't know ask 2

C1: no 2 is on drugs right now

_cloud number two is writhing on the floor, foaming at the mouth_

C1: or maybe they've been poisoned

C1: idk

_flashback ends_

ALEXI: literally what the fuck did you just tell me or show me or whatever the hell that was

BARBECUE: i dont remember that happening

BARBECUE: i was trying to tell you about where dreams came from but apparently it's a lot different than i remember

ALEXI: i'm not a fan of this bye

_alexi run past the camera and it shakes. this turns the camera and reveals that the two of them are just in a studio with lots of lights and camerapeople_

DIRECTOR: for gods sake first it was silvia and now it's you

DIRECTOR: stop breaking the fourth wall

_he looks at barbecue, who has started eating a piece of plaster out of boredom_

BARBECUE: hi there

DIRECTOR: barbecue could you maybe stop eating the walls this is why our shows budget has to be all of the money silvia gives us that rich men give her in order to try to get her to kiss a woman in front of them

BARBECUE: our shows budget is what

_silvia walks in_

SILVIA: our shows budget is indeed money that rich men give me in order to try and get me to kiss a woman in front of them because they think lesbians are sexy

SILVIA: then i kick them in the head

BARBECUE: oh yeah you know martial arts

SILVIA: its very helpful for the nasty ass heteros

SILVIA: take their money and then kick their lights out

SILVIA: thats my motto

BARBECUE: thats a terrible motto it doesnt even rhyme

SILVIA: oh sorry

SILVIA how about "take their money and then take their honey"

SILVIA: honey as in their wives

SILVIA: and then kick their lights out

BARBECUE: this really seems like a bad idea

SILVIA: eh whatever im the president

SILVIA: i do what i want

BARBECUE: that's what drump did and that's what america bad made

SILVIA: what

BARBECUE: sorry i mixed up my words but you get the idea right

SILVIA: i dont

BARBECUE: dont do whatever you want

SILVIA: but im not drump my decisions are always right

BARBECUE: i mean

BARBECUE: sure

BARBECUE: but no one believes you in that so you need to make some decisions that are actually made by the people otherwise this will be a dictatorship

SILVIA: ill run a dictatorship if it means i can dictate everyone to treat people equally

BARBECUE: please dont become a dictator

_silvia is a dictator_

BARBECUE: fuck u kids never listen to me

BARBECUE: now the country is going to fall into ruin and it will be all your fault

SILVIA: nah

_the country falls apart_

SILVIA: fuck

BARBECUE: i told you

CHRIS: hi i lost my job

CHRIS: i no longer work at chick-fil-a

SILVIA: when did you work at chick-fil-a

CHRIS: a while ago

SILVIA: maybe its because i couldnt care less about what you do but i swear i cant remember you working there

CHRIS: do you ever pay attention to me

SILVIA: not really no

CHRIS: ouch that hurts

CHRIS: why are you so mean

SILVIA: i just am

BARBECUE: she just is

_jessica walks by_

JESSICA: oMg ChRIsToPHeR

_she kisses him on the ear_

CHRIS: what

JESSICA: MY ONE TRUE LOVE

CHRIS: no

CHRIS: whats happening

JESSICA: lets get married

CHRIS: is this just what you do

JESSICA: well no one else will date me so you seem alone

CHRIS: there is a reason as to why they dont

JESSICA: shut the fuck up no there isnt

BARBECUE: so

BARBECUE: what did we learn today

CHRIS: jessica is desperate

SILVIA: have you not known that this whole time

CHRIS: well

CHRIS: i have

CHRIS: but

JESSICA: anyways we're getting married turn the camera off so they wont know we aren't

_she rushes at the screen and the camera shatters_


	22. germom and chinababy (season finale)

_the squad is out on a stroll. they see a woman arguing loudly with a baby in a stroller_

WOMAN: and you are going to learn german that's final

BABY: nO I REFUSE YOU 娼妇

WOMAN: DON'T CALL ME A WHORE I MADE YOU

BABY: IM GLAD YOU LEARNED SOME CHINESE BUT FUCK YOU

WOMAN: FUCK YOU TOO YOU RACIST BITCH

WOMAN: AND IF I WAS RELATED TO HITLER YOU WOULD BE TOO

BABY: NO I WOULDNT I WAS MADE BY THE PEOPLE OF CHINA NOT YOU

_the squad walks up to the arguing woman and baby_

BARBECUE: is everything okay

_the baby smiles_

BABY: yes!

_the baby whispers_

BABY: 他妈的变态

WOMAN: don't let me hear you say that!

JESSICA: what did she say

WOMAN: she said "fucking pervert"

BARBECUE: honestly? she's right i am a pervert

BABY: you are?

BARBECUE: pretty much yeah

JESSICA: oh my god why do you have to reveal all your secrets

SILVIA: he's barbecue as far as im concerned he has no secrets

ALEXI: true he really doesnt

CHRIS: he does too one of his secrets is that he has a big box full of weed in his room

BARBECUE: goddammit chris you need to stop telling my secrets

CHRIS: sorry sorry

BARBECUE: wait how did you find out about that

CHRIS: i think i dreamed it and it came true

WOMAN: that's spooky

CHRIS: i know aren't i spooky

ALEXI: not really no

CHRIS: dammit

CHRIS: i wanna be spooky

JESSICA: jocks dont get to be spooky that's just law

CHRIS: you're not a lawmaker jessica

JESSICA: or am i

_she rips her clothes off, but her body is censored since she's naked_

SILVIA: wh

SILVIA: what was that supposed to be

JESSICA: i was hoping a lawyer suit would magically appear but the writers didn't give me one when i ripped my clothes off

BARBECUE: you look like an idiot

JESSICA: shut up barbecrap

JESSICA: anyway my clothes are all torn so we need some clothes for me

_she snatches the baby's bib_

BABY: that's my bib you motherfucker

JESSICA: not anymore i need some clothes

_she wears the bib like a skirt_

BABY: that shit has vomit and spit on it are you okay

JESSICA: it's a fashion statement

_everyone makes a disgusted face_

BARBECUE: i question your judgement but sure

JESSICA: what judgement

CHRIST: y'all she has none

SILVIA: did

SILVIA: did the author accidentally write your name as "christ"

CHRIS: damn now i'm jesus

ALEXI: no

ALEXI: you're jesqueshus

ALEXI: according to the numerous pamphlets the gourd witnesses gave me while chasing me around trying to convert me to their religion

_she pulls numerous pamphlets from her ass and throws them into the air_

CHRIS: wow

CHRIS: how did you so easily grab those out of your ass

ALEXI: i have practice

ALEXI: when i was running from the law i had to shove a lot of things up my ass

CHRIS: thats impressive

ALEXI: i know i could prolly be one of the most famous genderfluid strippers if i wanted to be

CHRIS: didn't know there was a category for that

CHRIS: what do those pamphlets say anyway

_the baby grabs one_

BABY: "the gourd witnesses aim to bring holiness to the entire earthly community by enlightening everyone with the presences of the gourd. the gourd witnesses abstain from all sinful practices so as to become angels when death greets them at the gourd's doorstep. if you, too, want to become the best person you can be, join the gourd witnesses today." 

BABY: now to read it in chinese

GERMOM: no no read it in german

GERMOM: you need to practice

_germom mouths "she's still learning" at the barbecrew_

BABY: i saw that

BABY: but ok

_the baby inhales_

JESSICA: great job your baby breathes

BABY: durrrrrr kuhr

GERMOM: jesus you are hopeless

GERMOM: you cant even make it past the second word

BABY: well look whos talking you cant even say anything in chinese

GERMOM: it is a completely different alphabet and i am a german 29 year old its gonna be a lot harder

BABY: fuck you learn it bitch

SILVIA: i like how your baby swears it's cool

BABY: thanks

_the two of them fist bump_

ADAM: the fuck was that

SILVIA: a fist bump

ADAM: sexual

SILVIA: n

SILVIA: no

ADAM: sorry word mess up

SILVIA: do you mean a verbal typo

ADAM: yes that

ADAM: please dont make fun of me english is not my first language

SILVIA: wait really

ADAM: yeah im welsh

SILVIA: how have i not known this we've been friends this entire season

ADAM: well i never actually told you and i very rarely speak welsh so

SILVIA: say something welsh

ADAM: like what

SILVIA: uh

SILVIA: "my name is adam and i'm gay"

ADAM: fy enw i yw adam ac rydw i'n hoyw

SILVIA: woah

SILVIA: so cool

ADAM: dont you speak two languages youre more multilingual than me

SILVIA: but you learned english thats a hard thing to do

ADAM: it sure was

ADAM: roeddwn i'n ei gasáu

SILVIA: what does that mean

ADAM: uh

ADAM: "i hated it"

SILVIA: well no one likes english it is a stupid language

ADAM: you're right

GERMOM: so

GERMOM: are you two just gonna take over this episode, or?

BABY: good i don't want to be here anymore

_germom skeet skeets the stroller down the street, and the baby flies out of it like a rocket. the song "you can go your own way" by fleetwood mac plays_

GERMOM: don't ever say that again

CHRIS: what just happened

CHRIS: how do you skeet skeet a stroller

ADAM: hoffwn i wybod

CHRIS: rwy'n credu yr hoffem ni i gyd wybod

ADAM: woah you know welsh

CHRIS: uh

CHRIS: yes

_he throws away his phone, which has the google translate tab open_

ADAM: hm

ADAM: well

SILVIA: you should teach me welsh 

ADAM: why it's a weird language it's just sounds

SILVIA: isnt that every language

ADAM: i mean technically

SILVIA: i want to learn it

SILVIA: as a gay i have to learn languages until i die

ADAM: it's not that extreme silvia

_chris is still jamming to "you can go your own way"_

BARBECUE: i have advice for you chris

CHRIS: what

BARBECUE: stop

CHRIS: but it's such a good song

CHRIS: i heard it in a honda commercial once

BARBECUE: do i look like i give a shit

CHRIS: i dont know

_barbecue's face very clearly portrays that he doesn't give a shit_

CHRIS: ok i know now i'll stop

BARBECUE: thank you

_beat_

GERMOM: anyway, so my baby is a fucking loser but i'm cool as hell

JESSICA: no you aren't

JESSICA: no one can beat me, the coolest bitch

ALEXI: you aren't cool you asshole

_jessica slaps them_

JESSICA: eat my spit you halloween boob

ALEXI: what the-

_jessica spits on her hand and holds it out to alexi_

ALEXI: ew

ALEXI: also whats a halloween boob

JESSICA: it's you

JESSICA: congrats youre a boob

JESSICA: now im off to go to a forever 21

_she grows jetpacks in her shoes and flies away_

JIMOTHY: wow

JIMOTHY: not cool

JIMOTHY: and also extremely confusing what exactly just happened

ALEXI: with jessica, you never really know

GERMOM: i'm still here

BARBECUE: shut up german woman

_the baby from before slowly crawls over to them. it bites barbecue's leg off_

BARBECUE: how the fuck

_barbecue is now standing on one leg. the baby eats the entire leg_

BABY: delicious

SILVIA: um

CHRIS: what the fuck

ADAM: we are all confused

BABY: well i eat dinosaurs

ADAM: thats really specific

BABY: yeah i also eat glass

ADAM: how are you still alive

BABY: i have no fucking clue

BABY: how are any of us alive

GERMOM: get out of here chinababy or i'm gonna throw you down the street again

CHINABABY: or are you

_the baby grabs germom and pushes her with all the force in her small body. germom falls over and starts somersaulting at a rapid speed. she kind of looks like sonic the hedgehog_

_germom somersaults down the street fastly and out of sight_

CHINABABY: finally that bitch is out of my life

CHINABABY: i hated having to learn german

JESSICA: hey wait you're the baby in my old class who sang the fuckknuckles song

CHINABABY: oh yeah

CHINABABY: i thought you were dead

CHINABABY: you never came back after that

JESSICA: why would i youre a little shit

CHINABABY: well our new teacher is much better now

JESSICA: who is your new teacher

CHINABABY: miss silvia

_jessica looks at silvia in disbelief. silvia does finger guns_

JESSICA: you have got to be fucking kidding me

ALEXI: how did silvia become a teacher is my question

ALEXI: like are you even qualified

SILVIA: no but i work well with kids

ALEXI: do you though

_flashback to silvia in chinababy's class. the class is running wild and screaming until silvia slams a book through the wall to make them all shut up. then she teaches them how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism until they are all chanting it in unison very creepily_

SILVIA:yes

SILVIA: this isnt something out of a horror movie at all

CHINABABY: it was very fun

CHINABABY: the class loves to scare everyone else in the school

_silvia smiles_

SILVIA: im such a good teacher

JESSICA: but im the best teacher you guys have ever had, right

CHINABABY: fuck no you were terrible

CHINABABY: the fuckknuckles song is only reserved for terrible teachers

CHINABABY: we sang miss silvia the sexknuckles song

SILVIA: it was so beautiful i cried

JESSICA: the what

CHINABABY: its not a song for you to hear

CHINABABY: you only get to hear the fuckknuckles song because we hate you

CHRIS: lol you just got told

JESSICA: i just got what

CHRIS: told

CHRIS: it means like

CHRIS: you were roasted

JESSICA: ?????

BARBECUE: how did you make that sound

JESSICA: i verbally assaulted the back of my throat to make a hissing noise that sounded like the leg squeak of chad michael murray fish

SILVIA: is that a person

JESSICA: yes

JESSICA: chad michael murray is real

SILVIA: does this chad man have a fish

JESSICA: idk

JESSICA: ive never met him

_a girl with red hair comes in_

SILVIA: fuck not a new character

GIRL: where is he

SILVIA: where is who

GIRL: he

JESSICA: who is he

GIRL: barbecue

JESSICA: oh fuck no you're not stealing my mans

GIRL: jessica?

JESSICA: wait a minute

JESSICA: c h e r y l?

SILVIA: she only has red hair i dont think thats cheryl

GIRL: well my name is cheryl

JESSICA: _**CHERYL????**_

CHERYL: yeah i had it legally changed after that one show

CHERYL: barbecue the priorities dinosaur have you heard of it

SILVIA: we are literally on it

CHERYL: oh EMM gEE this is a dream come true do i get to meet the OG cheryl

JESSICA:

SILVIA:

THE ENTIRE CREW:

CHERYL: so is that a no

CHERYL: come on just tell me where is she

SILVIA:

SILVIA: well this is awkward

CHERYL: why

_silvia leaves. jessica does a squat and leaves also_

CHERYL: well that was rude

_a woman with blue hair walks out with her hands on her hips_

WOMAN: cUT

WOMAN: i am the director shut the cameras off

_all but one camera shuts off_

DIRECTOR: who are you and howd you get on the set

CHERYL: im itchy remember

_she pulls off her face, revealing it was a mask_

CHERYL: you paid me to kill off the old cheryl remember and told me that i could take her place in the show

DIRECTOR: oh

DIRECTOR:

DIRECTOR:

_the directors eyes widen as she realizes that the camera is still on_

DIRECTOR: oh fuck

_the credits roll_


	23. the chatroom (jessica pov)

_you have been invited to **barbecrew group chat**_

_created by **saliva** at 5:30 pm_

_members: **stupid little brother** , **barbecutie** , **jock** , **gay meth maker** , and **brick bitch**_

**stupid little brother**

alright who added jessica

she barely knows how to type

**you**

excuse me?? what the fuck jimothy

**stupid little brother**

uh i mean

mr peen stole my phone

**saliva**

bullshit mr peen doesn't even have hands

**stupid little brother**

he does!!! believe me 

**jock**

why am i here

**saliva**

because you're part of the crew, CHRIS

**jock**

i dont wanna be

this group is stupid

**saliva**

maybe you're stupid

**barbecutie**

he kinda is stupid

**jock**

D: you all insult my intelligence because you think i'm a jock even though i'm not

**brick bitch**

but jocks fit that white cishettie dude stereotype

**jock**

how do you know i'm white

**brick bitch**

because we've met in real life you idiot

**you**

what is wrong with you guys honestly

i wish i could have a normal group of friends for once

instead of having you crackheads

**saliva**

you grouped us all together in the beginning you bitch this is your fault

**you**

don't call me a bitch silvia we all know that you're secretly a female dog in a human suit

**saliva**

is that like being the opposite of a furry

**barbecutie**

don't insult furry culture siberia have you seen me

**saliva**

but you're actually a dinosaur

not a person in a dino suit

**barbecutie**

*unzips skin*

what about now 

**gay meth maker**

hi what is this conversation

**saliva**

hi adam

barbecue just unzipped his skin

**gay meth maker**

is that like a metaphor for something

something sexual considering who it is

**barbecutie**

i like how everyone jumps to that conclusion if i do anything ever

**you**

that's bc you're the king of sexual references

**barbecutie**

i feel like that's more of a you thing

you always want to sex it up with someone else

i sex it up with me myself and i

**stupid little brother**

wait you have clones????? 

**barbecutie**

no you idiot it just means by myself

haven't you heard the song by bebe rexha

**stupid little brother**

who

**you**

he's not very up to date on pop culture sorry

**stupid little brother**

i am too

i know all the hottest bands

**you**

what's the most popular band in 2020 then

**stupid little brother**

bts

**you**

wrong it's actually the beatles

**saliva**

no what

**gay meth maker**

what

**barbecutie**

didnt they break up before the 2000s even began

or the 90s

even the 80s

**brick bitch**

jessica i think you're the one who isn't up to date

**you**

i'm serious [look](https://i.postimg.cc/BQJSWqMF/Screenshot-2020-09-09-at-5-47-26-PM.png)

**brick bitch**

you have to be shitting me right now

who the hell is still listening to the beatles in 2020

**stupid little brother**

i really thought it would be behind the scenes

**saliva**

that 

that is not what bts stands for

it stands for bangtan sonyeondan

aka bulletproof boy scouts

aka bangtan boys

**you**

silvia i didn't know you were a kpoppie

**saliva**

oh i am

army rise up

**barbecutie**

no thanks

**saliva**

i even speak korean

i speak gourdish english and korean fluently

**jock**

aight say something in korean then

**saliva**

엿먹어 

**jock**

what did that say

**saliva**

"fuck you"

**jock**

rude

**you**

did you learn korean specifically for kpop

**saliva**

no

as a kid i had a korean nanny so she taught me korean

**brick bitch**

i thought it would be like one of your parents is korean or something

**saliva**

lmao no i'm all white can't you tell i'm blonde as fuck with pale ass skin and blue eyes

**brick bitch**

some asians dye their hair blonde

and have pale skin

and wear contacts

**saliva**

i have fuckin mustard hair alexi i wouldn't dye anything in this color

not my hair

my clothes

my skin

my carpet

my walls

nothing

**you**

true

you're ugly

**barbecutie**

jessica you can't go without insulting someone for more than two seconds

**you**

untrue

**gay meth maker**

by the way silvia's crying now 

jessica you know she's fragile

**you**

oh

oh damn

**barbecutie**

now see what you've done

**you**

i'm not there so i don't actually see what i have done

adam are you at silvia's house or something what

it's quarantine go home

**gay meth maker**

we live in the same apartment you idiot

we're roommates

**brick bitch**

oh my god they were roommates

**barbecutie**

and there will be no romance because silvia's a lesbian

right adam????

**gay meth maker**

dude i'm gay 

**you**

yeah his name is "gay meth maker" in my phone

**gay meth maker**

i'm sorry my name is what in your phone

**you**

gay meth maker

**gay meth maker**

are you shitting me

**brick bitch**

lmao get rekted adam

**barbecutie**

alexi is way too enthusiastic about this

**brick bitch**

on a completely unrelated note, i do happen to have an affinity for methamphetamines

and i have a fair amount of money

so 👀

**gay meth maker**

i am not a drug dealer alexi

_**gay meth maker** is messaging you in a private chat_

change my name right now i don't want people to think i'm a drug dealer when they see your phone

_> reply ignore_

**you**

relax

my dude

**gay meth maker**

oh no i'm gonna die tonight aren't i

**you**

why does everyone think that when i say "my dude"

**gay meth maker**

because you never say that so if you do it's probably the apocalypse

or you just wanna kill someone

**you**

anyways

no one can get into my phone anyway

my passcode is super top secret

no one can guess it

**gay meth maker**

it's "password" isn't it

**you**

fuck you got me

**gay meth maker**

that's so obvious please change it

**you**

it's my password i'll do what i want with it

you hacker

_are you sure you want to block **gay meth maker**?_

_> block cancel_

_**gay meth maker** has been blocked from your contacts. you will no longer see or receive messages, calls, or voicemails from **gay meth maker**_

_you are now messaging **barbecrew group chat**_

**you**

i'm back hoes

i blocked adam

**barbecutie**

what why

**you**

he told me to change my passcode

obviously he's a hacker

**jock**

trust me when i say

in all the years i knew him

which is like

not even 1

it's been a few months but whatever

i don't even think he knows what coding is

so there's no way he could hack anyone

**you**

that's just bullshit he's making up to fool you

don't be blinded by the lies, chris

**jock**

whatever you say dildo lady

**you**

hey!! uncool

**stupid little brother**

her majesty the dildo queen

**barbecutie**

m'lady of the dildos, where can i hope to purchase dildos

sincerely, peasant LXIX of the humble dildo fields

**you**

NO!!

**stupid little brother**

why are you peasant LXIX

**barbecutie**

in roman numerals LXIX is 69

**jock**

didn't think you were smart enough to know what roman numerals above 3 are

**barbecutie**

actually i know all roman numerals except for numbers 1, 2, and 3

**jock**

h

how

**stupid little brother**

it's really easy it's just one i, two i's, and three i's

**barbecutie**

like this?

IIIIII

**stupid little brother**

is that a barcode

you idiot you separate them

**barbecutie**

I I I I I I

**jock**

smh

**barbecutie**

wait wait i got it

1i 2is 3is

**you**

this is hilarious

barbecue you may be sexy af but you ain't shit in the brain department

**stupid little brother**

that was not a wanted comment, jessamendle

**you**

say that one more time and i'll punch you in the mouth

**stupid little brother**

meh

can't hurt more than an antartican gobsmacker

**jock**

that's not true jimothy's raggedy bratz ass is straight up weak sauce

**you**

okay shane madej

**jock**

who

**you**

god chris get with the hips kids

**jock**

im geniunely wondering how old you are now

**you**

im the age where im skinny

which is every age for me im gonna be fabulous until im 30

and we all know that will never happen

**saliva**

wait why not

**you**

ah welcome back siberia

**saliva**

shut the everloving fuck up, jessamendle

**jock**

is her name in your phone "jessamendle"

**saliva**

yes

i have special nicknames for all of you

jessica is "jessamendle"

chris is "christopherlies acrylia pani smith"

**jock**

fuck you

**saliva**

love you too

anyway jimothy is "talking dick dude"

**jock**

wait you love me??

**saliva**

in a platonic way you creep you know i'm lesbian

alexi is "sandwich bitch"

adam is "fellow gay"

barbecue is "fuckin purple weirdo"

**barbecutie**

hey now

**jock**

yOURE AN ALLSTAR

GET YOUR GAME ON

GO PLAY

**barbecutie**

no

**stupid little brother**

chris is shrek confirmed

**jock**

what no

**you**

i'm changing your name to shrek in my phone

**shrek**

noooooo

**stupid little brother**

lmao jessica may be stupid but she's funny af sometimes

**you**

tf did you just say about me jimothy

**stupid little brother**

guys ill be back i need to hide bc my sis is probably coming to kill me

**you**

you got that shit right you fucker

**you**

i'll cut you with my dildo knife

**barbecutie**

your what

**saliva**

a dildo knife you idiot can't you read

**barbecutie**

i can read but what is that

**saliva**

a knife

a dildo

what more info do you need

**you**

i get bored sometimes

and i turn my sexy toys into weapons

i have a dildo knife

uh

poisonous thongs

**shrek**

does a thong count as a sex toy

**you**

uh

yes

it does

well

actually i don't know

**stupid little brother**

does jessica ever know anything

like ever

**you**

fucking take that back jimothy or i'll slap the shit out of you

**stupid little brother**

jokes on you i haven't taken my laxatives today so i am

✨ 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓹𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 ✨

**barbecutie**

jimothy you're what

**stupid little brother**

✨ 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓼𝓽𝓲𝓹𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓭 ✨

**saliva**

why did we need to know that

**stupid little brother**

my shit is made of gold rocks

**saliva**

how are you even alive

**stupid little brother**

am i

**saliva**

oh god we have a zombie among us

**stupid little brother**

aMONG US!!!!!!!!!!

i main purple bc i love purple

**brick bitch**

why is he so excited

**you**

shh let him have this moment

he's been waiting for someone to play among us with him because hes just been playing with strangers this whole time

**brick bitch**

oh

well i'll play with him

**stupid little brother**

:DDDDDDD

relationship ended with jessica

alexi is my sibling now

**brick bitch**

what

**you**

what

**stupid little brother**

jessica may be my twin sister, but she tried to eat me in the womb

**saliva**

wait jessica is your twin sister

**stupid little brother**

no but she tried to eat me in the womb

she brought me in there when i was still a wee egg

im like 14 years younger than her

**you**

i have no memory of this

**stupid little brother**

of course you don't you were only an egg

**saliva**

why do YOU remember this then

**stupid little brother**

because i am god the dog

**you**

dick of god

**stupid little brother**

honestly jessica

shut the fuck up

**you**

what did you say to me bitch

i put you into this world and i can take you out

**stupid little brother**

i am fairly sure you did not

youre my sister not my mother

mother perished in the fire

**saliva**

chacha?

**stupid little brother**

mhm

she got all crispy crisp

like the fried chicken that you can get at jolibees

**saliva**

now i want fried chicken

**you**

cannibal

**saliva**

i don't want to eat your crispy mom, dumbass 

**barbecutie**

she totally does

**saliva**

fine

i do

happy?

**barbecutie**

not particularly

that's pretty nasty serbia

**saliva**

...

_saliva has left the group chat_

_saliva has been added to the group chat by **you**_

_saliva has left the group chat_

_credits roll_

**you**

fucking bitch


End file.
